Lou insults Mrs. Niles – Lou Costello was an excellent insult comic, and one of his favorite targets was Mrs. Niles on their radio show!
Ken Niles: Sorry we’re late, Bud . My wife and I just got back from a hunting trip.
The Great Gildersleeve – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Mrs. Niles: Yes — I got a moose head!
Costello: Put a hat on your antlers and nobody will notice it!
Abbott: Pay no attention to Costello, Mrs . Niles. Hels a little tired. He just came from launching a ship.
Mrs. Niles: He just launched a ship . Ha ha ha . That must have been a pretty picture …ONE TUB LAUNCHING ANOTHER!
Ken Niles: Now wait a minute, Costello — your sneezing is dangerous, I can catch your oold, then I’ll go home and my beautiful wife will get it in her lovely throat!
Flee the Flu – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Costello: HER LOVELY THROAT!
Abbott: Yes, Costello – Mrs. Niles has a neck like a swan!
Costello: YEAH, AND SHE’S GOT WEBBED FEET TO MATCH!
Mrs. Niles: [door bursts open] I heard that remark! You might be interested in knowing that all my friends think I have perfect features!
Flee the Flu – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Costello: Is that your nose, or are you lookin’ through a periscope??
Abbott: Oh . stop that. Don’t pay any attention to Costello, Mrs, Niles. You see, he’s got a cold and we’re trying to help him.
Mrs. Niles: Well. you know the old saying – starve a cold! The first thing to do is put him on a diet – no carbohydrates, no starches, no liquids„ and no solids! Think you can stick to that diet, Costello?
Costello: Sure, then what?
Mrs. Niles: Then Kenneth and I’ll split your ration book!
Lou Costello: Oh, yes I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head.
The Lawyer – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Bud Abbott : Why didn’t you kiss her on the lips?
Lou Costello: Her head is much smoother!
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello! Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.
Lou Costello : Me? — a shrimp?
Mrs. Niles: Yes, you’re a shrimp . You only come up to my chinl
Lou Costello: Which one?
Mrs. Niles: Oh! Are you suggesting that I look old?
Lou Costello: Don’t look now, but your social security slip is showing!
Mrs. Niles : Welli He’s very fortunate to get off with just a dollar, after the way he insulted me . [tearfully] When he choked my little dog, a tear ran down my cheek …
The Lawyer – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Lou Costello : Yeah -,it took one look at your face and ran back up again!
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, I’ll have you know my neck is not long!
Lou Costello: : Oh no? The last I saw a neck like that, a jockey was bending over it!Mrs. Niles: : How dare you compare me to a horse? Why, I have an aristocratic face. My grandfather was a count.
Lou Costello: : Yeah, Count Fleet!Mrs. Niles: : Just look at yourself, fat boy!
The Wild West – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Lou Costello: : [offended] I am not fat!
Mrs. Niles: : Oh no? I saw you fall down yesterday and you rocked yourself to sleep trying to get up!
Mrs. Niles: Are you surprised to see me, Costello?
Lou Costello: No, ma’am, I was expecting a cow.
Bud Abbott: That’s no way to insult Mrs. Niles!
Lou Costello: You know a better way?
Lou Costello: Me, fat? I just dropped twenty pounds!
English Butler – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Mrs. Niles: You didn’t drop it far enough!
Costello: Wait a minute, Niles, you mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings?
Abbott: Well now, what do you expect her to wear?
Costello: Hip boots.
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello!
Costello: She’s so bow-legged, when she runs she looks like an egg beater!
Mrs. Niles: My legs are as straight as an arrow!
Silk Stockings – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Costello: Feathers and all!
Ken Niles: My wife doesn’t have to, I’m a vegetarian. I’m wild about vegetables.
Lou Costello: You’d have to be, to be married to that old tomato.
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello.
Ken Niles: Now, now, don’t fret darling, I’ll tell him. Costello, I’ll have you know that my wife is a striking woman.
Lou Costello: And you’ve got the black-and-blue marks to prove it.
Bud Abbott: Now Costello, you have to admit that Mrs. Niles has a winning smile.
Lou Costello: Yeah, and a losing face.
Mrs. Niles: Oh, is that so? I’ll have you know my picture has been on many a cover.
Lou Costello: Magazine or manhole?Mrs. Niles: Men throw their hearts at my feet, flowers at my feet, gifts at my feet.
Hunting Guide – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Lou Costello: What have your feet got that you haven’t got?