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Dyeing Routine

Dyeing Routine

A classic Abbott and Costello routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses “dyeing” for “dying” — with minimal effort, it could be turned into a gospel ministry skit, at the end the clown taking Bud’s part talking about dying, spiritual death and eternal life.

Bud Abbott: You’d better take that suit over to my Uncle Herman’s, At the Kurt Dry Cleaning Plant.
Lou Costello: Dry Cleaning Plant? What’s your Uncle Herman doing there?
Bud Abbott: Well this is Wednesday, He’s dyeing today.
Lou Costello:  That’s terrible Abbott, I didn’t even know he was sick.
Bud Abbott: Oh, He isn’t sick, he’s dyeing.
Lou Costello:  He’s dying and he isn’t sick?
Bud Abbott: That’s right, if he was sick he couldn’t dye.
Lou Costello:  Why not?
Bud Abbott: Well it’s against the rules of the cleaning plant.
Lou Costello:  You mean they wouldn’t let him die if he’s sick.
Bud Abbott: That’s right. If a man is sick they won’t let him into the place to dye.
Lou Costello:  What do they do leave him out in the alley?
Bud Abbott: Oh no no no! He can’t dye in the alley.
Lou Costello:  He can’t?
Bud Abbott: No, if he wants to dye he has to go up seven floors.
Lou Costello:  He’s got to die on the seventh floor?
Bud Abbott: Well certainly.
Lou Costello:  Is there any elevator in the place?
Bud Abbott: No.
Lou Costello:  The nerve of the people!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean?
Lou Costello:  Making a poor man climb seven floors to die! Why don’t they send him home?
Bud Abbott: Because his wife won’t let him dye in the house.
Lou Costello:  Wife don’t?
Bud Abbott: She don’t want him dyeing in the house.
Lou Costello:  She don’t?
Bud Abbott: No.
Lou Costello:  He might as well go crawl under a rock. Imagine a guy can’t even die in his own house.
Bud Abbott: No no, if there’s any dyeing to be done around the house, his wife does it.
Lou Costello:  You mean his wife has got to die too?
Bud Abbott: Certainly.
Lou Costello:  Abbott, what are you trying to do bump off the whole family?
Bud Abbott: Oh, keep quiet.
Lou Costello:  I’m going to bring Uncle Herman to my house to die.
Bud Abbott: Oh, he couldn’t dye at your house.
Lou Costello:  And why couldn’t he die at my house?
Bud Abbott: Because you have no dye.
Lou Costello:  You gotta have dye to die?
Bud Abbott: Costello would you pay attention! I’m trying to tell you that Uncle Herman has to dye so he could live.
Lou Costello:  Well naturally…What was that?
Bud Abbott: I said my Uncle Herman has to dye to live. If he doesn’t dye he can’t eat.
Lou Costello:  You mean he eats after he dies?
Bud Abbott: Well certainly, he dyes for a while then he eats. Then he dyes again then he eats some more.
Lou Costello:  Must be the food that’s killing him!!! He must be eating at your Backstage joint.
Bud Abbott: No no no you idiot!! A man has to eat if he stands up all day dyeing.
Lou Costello:  You mean he has to stand up to die?
Bud Abbott: Naturally, did you ever hear of anybody lying down to dye?
Lou Costello:  All the people I ever knew. They use the standard way.
Bud Abbott: No no no, he can’t lie down on the job. He’s got to be through dyeing by six o’clock. If he dyes after six he gets time and a half.
Lou Costello:  You mean he gets paid for dying?
Bud Abbott: Oh sure, It’s piece work.
Lou Costello:  He dies a piece at a time?
Bud Abbott: Look you idiot, when I say Uncle Herman is dyeing, I don’t mean that he’s dying like a person dies when he dies. I mean he’s dyeing for a living and a person that dyes for a living is living even though that he’s dyeing!
Lou Costello:  When you say that Uncle Herman is dyeing, you don’t mean that he’s dying like a person dies when he dies. You mean he’s dyeing for a living and a person that dyes for a living is living even though that he’s dyeing!
Bud Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
Lou Costello:  I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

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