Water under the bridge – a classic Abbott and Costello routine, where Lou tries to use a metaphor, and Bud drills into the details … And keeps switching to Lou’s next metaphor! This version it taken from The Abbott and Costello Radio Show episode, “Lou’s Pet Turkey“
Lou Costello: It’s all water under the bridge.
Jane Wyman: Under what bridge?
Lou Costello: What do you mean, “under what bridge”? How do I know what bridge?
Bud Abbott: Then how do you know there’s water under it?
Lou Costello: There’s gotta be water under it so the boats can go up and down!
Jane Wyman: Why do they have to go up & down? Why can’t they go across?
Lou Costello: All right, smartie! Let ’em go across!
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute! What happens to the boats that want to go up and down?
Lou Costello: [irritated] Let ’em take an elevator! Abbott, why do we get into these arguments anyway?
Jane Wyman: Then why did you start it?
Lou Costello: Look, I didn’t start nuthin’. I was just sayin’ somethin’ that’s really used as a figure of speech, like “gone with the wind.”
Gone with the wind?
Bud Abbott: What wind?
Lou Costello: Whaddaya mean, what wind?
Bud Abbott: Well, there’s the east wind, the west wind, the south wind, the north wind…
Lou Costello: Any wind. Go ahead, pick out a wind.
Bud Abbott: That’s immaterial to me.
Lou Costello: Alright, the immaterial wind.
Bud Abbott: Oh!
Jane Wyman: Now just a minute. Do you know what wind is?
Lou Costello: Yeah, sure, wind is something that goes like this: [blows hard]
Jane Wyman: I mean without onions.
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello, did you ever see wind? No. Did you ever touch wind? No. Then, where does it come from? Where does it go? What is wind?
Lou Costello: I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is, brother, you’re full of it!
Bud Abbott: Costello, please, how do you know so much?
Lou Costello: Well because I read, stupid.
Jane Wyman: Yes, and you talk stupid.
Lou Costello: Why do you two have to pick on me?
Jane Wyman: Why do you keep saying silly things like “Gone with the wind”?
Lou Costello: I told you before, it’s and old expression, like “Never the twain shall meet”.
Never the twain shall meet?
Jane Wyman: What twain?
Lou Costello: What twain? The twain on track twee! Now you got me talkin’ baby talk.
Bud Abbott: Then why don’t you make yourself clear?
Lou Costello: Look, Abbott, what’s the use of talkin’ to you people? It’s like pouring water on a duck’s back.
Water on a duck’s back?
Jane Wyman: Why did you do that?
Lou Costello: Do what?
Jane Wyman: Pour water on a duck’s back.
Bud Abbott: Yes, what did the duck ever do to you?
Lou Costello: Look, the duck never did nothin’ to me! I mean, let’s talk turkey.
Jane Wyman: Why should I talk turkey? I don’t like turkey.
Bud Abbott: Yeah, who are you to make people eat turkey if they don’t like turkey?
Lou Costello: Look, Miss Wyman, I don’t want you to eat turkey if you don’t want to eat it.
Bud Abbott: Oh, now you want her to starve to death.
Lou Costello: Alright, eat all the turkey! Eat turkey, Miss Wyman! Stuff yourself, ya glutton!
Jane Wyman: Oh, that’s fine. Now he wants me to get indigestion.
Lou Costello: Okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s all my fault anyway. I am willing to eat humble pie.
Bud Abbott: Oh, you’re eating pie! You didn’t offer us any pie.
Lou Costello: Abbott, if I had a pie, I’d let you have it.
Bud Abbott: You would?
Lou Costello: Yeah, right in the puss! I’m gonna walk out of here now … There’s more than one way to skin a cat!
Jane Wyman: When did you start that sort of thing?
Lou Costello: What sort of thing?
Jane Wyman: Skinning cats.