The Wild West – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, with Lynn Bari
Originally broadcast: December 16th, 1943
Abbott and Costello Radio Show – The Wild West with Lynn Bari – Originally broadcast: December 16th, 1943. Lynn Bari is this week’s guest star, and Lou’s SO excited that he’s trying to get a new suit to impress her with! Doomed to failure, of course. And Meyer the Butcher’s wife is having a big event, so Bud and Lou have to man his shop WHILE doing their Wild West sketch!
Lou’s new suit
Lou’s so excited about having Lynn Bari on the show, that he’s ordered a colorful new suit …
Lou Costello: The coat is red, with green stripes. It’s got pink lapels, and orange buttons.
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute! A red coat with green stripes, pink lapels, and orange buttons?
Lou Costello: Yeah.
Bud Abbott: I suppose you’re going to wear yellow pants?
Lou Costello: What? And have people stare at me? [applause] What do you think I am, Abbott, a dope? Yellow pants! They’d clash with my purple shoes.
Bud Abbott: Purple shoes!
Lou Costello: I’ve never heard of such a thing.
Bud Abbott: All right, alright, drop the pants.
Lou Costello: I can’t! My red underwear won’t match my lavender vest.
Borrowing one of Bud Abbott’s suits
Unwilling to let his pal Lou meet Lynn Bari dressed like that, Bud offers to borrow him one of his suits.
Lou Costello:That old thing? It’s full of moth holes!
Bud Abbott: There isn’t a single moth in that suit!
Lou Costello: You said it! They’re all married and got children!
Which leads to some sound effect humor with the moths leaving Bud’s closet. Then:
Bud Abbott: I’ll lend you one of my other suits. Now let’s see, there’s the Wooster, the plaid, the tweed, and that dark one is a Twill.
Lou Costello: A twill?
Bud Abbott: Certainly! Didn’t you ever have a twill?
Lou Costello: Oh sure! I get a big twill when I wide on the woller coaster!
Bud Abbott: When you lived at home, didn’t your family dress for dinner?
Lou Costello: Why, certainly we dressed for dinner! What do you think we did, come to the table in our underwear?
Bud Abbott: Where I come from, a man with tails is called a gentleman.
Lou Costello: Where I come from, he’s called a monkey!
Borrowing a suit from Ken Niles?
The Niles come over, and Abbott tries to get Ken to borrow Abbott a suit …
Ken NIles: Well, I’ll have to go outside and ask the little woman.
Lou Costello: : Little woman? Her neck alone is three feet long!
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, I’ll have you know my neck is not long!
Lou Costello: : Oh no? The last I saw a neck like that, a jockey was bending over it!
Mrs. Niles: : How dare you compare me to a horse? Why, I have an aristocratic face. My grandfather was a count.
Lou Costello: : Yeah, Count Fleet!
Mrs. Niles: : Kenneth, are you going to stand there and let Costello compare me to a horse?
Ken NIles: : Neigh, neigh. (nay, nay)
Mrs. Niles: : Just look at yourself, fat boy!
Lou Costello: : [offended] I am not fat!
Mrs. Niles: : Oh no? I saw you fall down yesterday and you rocked yourself to sleep trying to get up!
Bud Abbott: Now let’s stop this fighting. Look, Mrs. Niles, Costello has to borrow a suit for the broadcast tonight.
Ken NIles: : Yes, dear. May I loan him mine?
Mrs. Niles: : Kenneth Niles, before I let you do that, I’d lock you up in the attic!
Ken NIles: : Gee, dear, you just let me out!
Meyer the Butcher needs a favor
Meyer the Butcher: Oh boy, Louie, am I excitedd What’s happening to me today
shouldntt happen to two dogs – one dog couldn’t handle it.
Lou Costello: What ‘s the matter?
Meyer the Butcher : It ‘s my wife, Sophie – after ten years it ‘s gonna happen! Today is the day — and I gotta be by her side. So you have to come over right away, Louie, and take care of mine butcher shop, hah?
Lou Costello: I can’t do that. We’re going to the broadcast – I’m gonna do a love scene with Lynn Bari.
Meyer the Butcher: But Louie, would you rather do a love scene with Lynn Bari than mind mine butcher shop??
Lou Costello: Can a duck swim?
Meyer the Butcher: That t s a silly answer.
Lou Costello : You ask silly questions, you get silly answers.
Meyer the Butcher: Wait a minute, think off mine wife, Louie, you never do anything f or me …
Lou Costello: Who doesn’t? Five years ago I gave you the money to open the butcher shop : when you were sick I paid for the operation ; then, when the government was gonna put you in jail, I paid your income tax ; and six months ago, when your house was on fire, I ran into the burning building and saved your life AND YOU SAY I NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU????
Meyer the Butcher: Yeah – but what have you done for me lately????
At Meyer’s Butcher Shop
Bud Abbott: Well Costello, you had to open your big mouth – just because you want to help Meyerp we’re stuck here in a butcher shopo Come on, we mi.ght as well get the ordersready – you dress the chickens .
Lou Costello: Why should I – they’re old enough to dress themselves.
Bud Abbott: Ohh l’ll dress the chickens, you bring me the other fowl.
Lou Costello: What fowl?
Bud Abbott: Duok l
Lou Costello : Why should I duck? I’m not ashamed to help Meyer!
Bud Abbott: No, I I mean duck. Duck in the icebox.
Lou Costello: Why should I duck in the icebox? You duck in the icebox! You big sissy.
Bud Abbott: Take it easy.
I’m glad to help my friend Meyer and his wonderful little woman.
Bud Abbott: All right!
Lou Costello: I know what they’re goi’it through — why only last week a little stranger came to live at our house.
Bud Abbott: Really?
Lou Costello: Yes — my sisster married a midget.
Mrs. Niles wants some dog meat
Bud Abbott: Well,, did Meyer say when he ls coming back? Do you realize Lynn Bari’s probably at the stud .io now waiting for us!
Lou Costello: This is more important, let ‘er wait ! I got plenty of women waiting for me – FIFTY, SIXTY, SEVENTYI
Bud Abbott; Fifty, sixty, seventy?
Lou Costello : Yes — I wish I could find some a little younger. Abbott, beautiful women chase after me . At any minute a gorgeous girl is apt to walk in that door … [door opens with a tinkle, Mrs. Niles walks in]
Mrs. Niles: Yes I want twenty cents worth of dog meat.
Lou Costello: Shall I wrap it up or will you eat it here?
Enter Lynn Bari
Lynn Bari; Pardon me – where do I find Lou Costello?
Lou Costello:- Here I am – over by the pickle barrel.
Lynn Bari Well, raise your hand so V1l know which one ia you.
Lou Costello: Hey Abbott . who is this fresh dame?
Bud Abbott: Costello, don’t you recognize Lynn Bari?
[APPLAUSE]
Lou Costello: :[in love] Gee, Miss Bariy, how did you know you”d find me in this butcher :shop?
Lynn Bari : Where else would I look for a fat meatball? … See here, Costello,, I’m supposed to do a play en your program tonight. Where do you expect to put it on » in this butcher shop???
Lou Costello: WHY NOT?? Lots of plays were done about butcher shops. Did you ever hear of Hamlet? Or the Merchant of Venison?… Abiets Trish Roast.
Bud Abbott: That’s ridiculous.
Lou Costello: Oh yeah? How .lbout that story about a hog ~ PYGMALION!
Lynn Bari: That’s crazy.
Lou Costello: THEY EVEN WROTE A GREAT PICTURE ABOUT COWS1
Bud Abbott:. What picture?.
Lou Costello: GUADALCANAL DAIRY! Boy, did I milk that one!
Lynn Bari : Come .to think of it, how about yo .ur last pieture, Hit The Ice?
Lou Costello: THERE WAS NO MEAT IN THAT ONEI
Lynn Bari; I dunno – I saw two hams in it.
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, Lynn – don’t pay any attention to Costello. He isn ‘t very B .. R. . I.. G.. H.. T.
Lynn Bari: Yes, he does appear to be rather S..T..U..P,.l..D.
Lou Costello: I HEARD THATl . WHAT Df YA THINK I AM, A D..O..P..P.?
About the play
Lynn Bari: Listen, Mr. Abbott, what about this play?
Bud Abbott: Well Lynn, its an original play – and Costello will be your leading man .
Lynn Bari: Costello? He could never play that partd
Lou Costello: WHY NOT???
Lynn Bari: My leading man must be able to brush me into his arms, sweep me off my feet and carry me away.
Lou Costello : . You don’t want a leading mant you want a street cleaner.
Bud Abbott : Costello, That’s no way to talk to our guest . Can’t you be nice?
Lou Costello: Miss Bari, if youoll do this play with me in the butcher shop, I’ll take you out after the broadcast. We’ll go for a drive ;
Bud Abbott: But Lou, there’s no more pleasure driving.
Lou Costello; Yeah, but there’s still pleasure parking! [whistles]
Lynn Bari; Who wants to park in a coupe with a droop?
The Wild West
For the play, everyone is getting into their “western” accents.
Bud Abbott: I don1t believe all this, Costello – donft know anything about the Westi
Lou Costello; Oh no??? Why, ah wuz raised on a dud ranoh=
Bud Abbott: You mean a dude ranoh!
Lou Costello; Ah said dud — no women!
Lynn Bari; Musta been near Nogales, Arizona t Hahr j Hahr j
Lou Costello; Fahr tn ‘ squahr ! Yahr!
Bud Abbott: [disgusted] Oh, this is ridiculous! Go ahead Ken – set the scene.
Ken NIles: Okay, Bud, [strongly] And now, our play in the evening. A saga of the adventurous West, “The Life of Buffalo Bill” – brought to you direct from Meyer’s Butcher Shop. Lou Costello portrays the hero, Buffalo Bill, his partner is Buckskin Bud Abbott; Lynn Bari plays the Indian Princess Moon Eyes – and as an extra special attraction, Meyer has goose liver at ten cents a pound! As the seene opens, Buffalo Bill and Buckskin Bud are on the trail. Suddenly a shot rings out…
In the play, Lou wants to marry the Indian maiden, Moon Eyes — but she’s not available! Her sister, Cross Eyes, is. And her father, Chief Flatfoot, agrees. But to get her father’s approval, Lou has to marry the mother, give the approval, then divorce the mother to marry the daughter!
And then, the running gag of Meyer’s wife going through a “major event” finally is finished — a hair permanent!
Songs
- My Ideal, sung by Connie Haines
- I’ve Got You Under My Skin, by Cole Porter, performed by Freddie Rich and his orchestra
- Oh, Susannah
Jokes
Abbott: There’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Costello: But who wants to park in the dark with a shark?
Cast
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Lynn Bari (Shock) – movie star, this week’s guest. Indian maiden Cross Eyes in the sketch
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist.
- Mel Blanc – Indian Chief Flatfoot in the sketch at Meyer’s butcher shop
- John Brown – Meyer the Butcher