The Abbott and Costello Radio Show – The Lawyer with Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian – Mrs. Niles gives Lou a dog for Christmas, but the dog doesn’t like Lou! And when the dog bites Lou, she thinks he’s choking the dog!
The Lawyer (The Mad Russian)
Broadcast: 30th December 1943
Starring: Lou Costello, Bud Abbott, Bert Gordon
Routines
Songs
- Connie Haines sings “You’ve got to talk me into it, baby“
- Freddie Rich and the orchestra play David Rose’s “Holiday for Strings”
Lou’s new dog | A wonderful dog | Ken and Mrs. Niles | Christmas presents | Lou’s present for Mrs. Niles | Dollar a day | The Mad Russian | Legal advice | It’s too late! | One of the greatest lawyers in the world?
Lou’s new dog
Lou Costello: HEY ABBOTT …
Bud Abbott: Well, Costello, here it is the last program of 1943 and you’re late again. Where have you been?
Lou Costello : Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me. Mrs . Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present and he just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’da been wearing a license plate, he’da got the last three numbersl
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: In a crowded streetcar. It’s the first time I ever gave my seat to a dogl
Bud Abbott : Never mind thatl What kind of a dog did Mrs . Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog Strongheart?
Bud Abbott : Yes, I remember Strongheart .
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother, Weak Stomachl
Bud Abbott: Oh, I’m not talking about that . What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What is his BREED?
Bud Abbott: Yes.
Lou Costello: He breeds through his nose like everybody else,
Bud Abbott : No, no — you dummy . What tyke of a dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a littlel
Bud Abbott: Look, there .are different types of• dogs – such as setters and pointers .
Lou Costello : Yeah, Abbott ~ that ‘s what he is – a setter pointer!
Bud Abbott: A setter pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox!
A wonderful dog
Bud Abbott: Why, Costello – this is a wonderful dog!
Lou Costello: Yeah – listen to him. Its just my-luck to get a dog with asthma!
Bud Abbott: Now, cut that outl I’m going to show you how to handle dogs . Come here, Rover . Tell me – how much is one and one
Rover/Mel Blanc: [barks twice]
Did you hear that, Costello? Ill, try him againt Rover, how much is two and two?
Rover/Mel Blanc: [barks four times]
Bud Abbott: I told you he was a smart dog!
Lou Costello: Oh yeah? I’ll see if he’s smart„ Rover – what time is it?
Rover/Mel Blanc: [speaks] A quarter of four!
Bud Abbott: Costello, isn’t that the most wonderful thing you ever heard – a.talking dog?
[phone rings, Lou Costello answers it]
Lou Costello: Hello—- yes? What? Oh, you don’t think so,. eh? Okay — goodbye! [hangs up the phone] That was a friend of mine, Abbott . He doesn’t think there’s
anything wonderful about a talking dog!
Bud Abbott: Who ls your friend?
Lou Costello : Oh, just a horse.
Ken and Mrs. Niles
Bud Abbott: Oh — it’s Ken Niles!
Lou Costello : Yeah …if it isn’t the spirit of 76 pounds!
Ken Niles: Look who’s talking. Listen fat boy, why donft you unbutton your vest and open up a second front. Ha, ha, ha!
Lou Costello: Very funny, skinny !
Bud Abbott: Now, Costellol Ken Niles is not skinnyt
Lou Costello: Oh, no? He once worked in an olive factory. He used to crawl through the olive and pull the pimiento in after himi
Bud Abbott : Pay no attention to Costello, Ken. I’m ashamed of him . He doesn ‘t even appreciate the wonderful dog your wife gave him for Christmas .
Ken Niles: Yes, and what’s more he didn’t even thank her for it!
Lou Costello: Oh, yes I did. I even kissed your wife on top of her head.
Bud Abbott : Why didn’t you kiss her on the lips?
Lou Costello: Her head is much smoother!
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello! Why, I ought to give you a thrashing, you little shrimp.
Lou Costello : Me? — a shrimp?
Mrs. Niles: Yes, you’re a shrimp . You only come up to my chinl
Lou Costello: Which one?
Mrs. Niles: Oh! Are you suggesting that I look old?
Lou Costello: Don’t look now, but your social security slip is showing!
Christmas presents
Lou Costello : Costello, how can you talk like that to Mrs . Niles after the nice present she gave you for Christmas, when you gave her nothing!
Lou Costello: Nothin’? Didn’t I get her picture published in a paper?
Mrs. Niles: Yes, but look where they put it – in the Racing News!
Lou Costello: Ain’t that the DOPE SHEET?
Mrs. Niles : Just look at this picture – read what it says under it .
Lou Costello: [reading] THIS NAG SHOWED GREAT PROMISE AS A THREE YEAR OLD,
BUT IS NOW RUNNING IN CHEAP COMPANY! [laughs]
Lou’s present for Mrs. Niles
Bud Abbott: Costello, that’s an insult!
Mrs. Niles: It most certainly is — and I’m leaving!
Lou Costello: Then take that dog, Rover, with youl Every time he looks at me, he bites me!
Bud Abbott: Thatts silly! Rover hasn’t got a tooth in his mouthl
Lou Costello: I know that – THEY ‘RE ALL IN MY LEG !
Mrs. Niles : You can’t talk that way about Rover . Why, I love that little dog almost as much as I do Kenneth,
Ken Niles: Even more, dear – you gave him a longer leash!
Mrs. Niles: Come on, Rover, I’m taking you home – and don’t even look at Mr„ Costello! [of course, the dog bites Lou] That’s the last straw, Costello! Just because you don’t like me you’re trying to choke poor Rover . You’ll regret this – I’ll drag you through every court in the land, I’ll even take you to the Supreme Court » and I’ll stand before the Judge and tell him my story . And when the Judge looks into my face, what do you think he’ll say?
Lou Costello: [screams]
Dollar a day
And since Mrs. Niles is going to sue, Costello needs money. Which leads to Abbott and Costello’s Dollar a Day routine, since Lou’s been working for Bud for that much for the last year.
Bud Abbott: Costello! Costello, where are you?
Lou Costello: [fades in] here I am,.Abbottt
Bud Abbott: Listen, Mrs. Niles will be here any minute to place you under arrest – but don’t worry! I hired a lawyer to defend you – I got my own personal mouthpiece.
Lou Costello : You mean your wife?
Bud Abbott: No! When I say mouthpiece, I mean someone who argues, shoots off his mouth and lays down the law!
Lou Costello: That’s still your wife!
[door opens loudly]
Mrs. Niles : [loudly] THERE’S THE MAN WHO CHOKED MY DOG, THAT LITTLE FAT
ONE! COSTELLO, THIS IS OLIVER STORECHEESE, OF THE ANIMAL AID SOCIETY. MR. STORECHEESE — ARREST THAT MAN!
Oliver Storecheese : Very well, Mr . Costello, you’re under arrest. Come with me!
Lou Costello : [tough] WHAT’S THAT??
Oliver Storecheese : [insistent] I said, come with me.
Lou Costello : NO I WON’T.
Oliver Storecheese : Oh darn it, nobody ever wants to come alongi .Now leave us face it : you either come with me, or pay the usual fine of one dollar.
Lou Costello : A dollar??? Did you hear that, I can get outta the whole thing for a buck! Here you are, Mr. Storecheese, I’d be glad …
Bud Abbott : [interrupts] Just a minute, Costello,apaying that money would be an admission of guilt! Why, I hired a lawyer for you — after all, he’s an outstanding member of the bar, a learned counselor, and an expert at Juris Prudence! His very voice has been known to spellbind a jury. I can hear it now …
The Mad Russian
The Mad Russian: HOW DO YOU DO I [applause]
Bud Abbott : Costello, this is your attorney — Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian.
The Mad Russian : Gentlemen – my card!
Lou Costello : Let me read that .. [READS] “Bert Gordon ., Attorney at Law, D.B.T.C,.”. What does D.B.T.C. mean?
The Mad Russian : DON ‘T BEND THE CARD …
Legal advice
Bud Abbott: Listen# Costello, the Russian’s going to .give you some advice!
The Mad Russian:That is correct. Now, Mr, Castoria, there are two courses in giving advice : of course and becourse. Of course, you don’t have to take my ‘advice, and because if you do you’ll have to pay f or itt
Lou Costello : Abbott, this guy”s no lawyer!
The Mad Russian: DON’T SAY THAT, DON’T SAY THAT! When I went to college, they gave me a Phi Beta Kappa key.
Lou Costello : DOES IT FIT THE HOLE IN YOUR HEAD?
Bud Abbott: Please, Costello!
Lou Costello : He’s no college manl
The Mad Russian: Mine dear you, I’ll have you understand I went to Vassarl
Lou Costello : VASSAR’S A GIRL’S SCHOOL!
The Mad Russian : I FOUND THAT OUT ONE DAY WHEN I WAS SORTING THE LAUNDRYt
BROWN: : Now see here, Mr, Costello, I’m waiting w are you going to pay the fine of one dollar or not???
It’s too late!
Mrs. Niles : Welli He’s very fortunate to get off with just a dollar,
after the way he insulted me . [tearfully] When he choked my little dog, a tear ran down my cheek …
Lou Costello : Yeah -,it took one look at your face and ran back up again!
Bud Abbott : Costello, why don’t you listen to the Russian?
The Mad Russian: Yes, why not. You see, from the legal point of view, if you should pay this dollar, it will be absolutely perpendicular!
Lou Costello : Perpendicular? What does that mean?
The Mad Russian: HOW DARE YOU!
Mrs. Niles : Ohl This is ridiculousb Come, Mr, Storecheese, we’re taking this case to Court6
Lou Costello : WAIT .A SECOND, MRS . NILES – I’LL PAY THE DOLLAR!
Mrs. Niles: It’s too late! [door slams]
The Russian’s one of the greatest lawyers in the world?
Lou Costello: [crying] Now look what you did, Abbott – you and your phony lawyer!
Bud Abbott: Don’t be silly, The Russian’s one of the greatest lawyers in the world!
The Mad Russian : That is correct. In mine first case I defended Dreyfus.
Lou Costello : Alfred Dreyfus of Devil’s Island?
The Mad Russian: No — Richard Dreyfuss from Coney Island! …Mr. Castile, don’t worry about a thing when I’m here, I’m a great intellectual. My stock in trade is brains.
Lou Costello: [imitating] You got a funny lookin’ sample case …
Bud Abbott: Stop those remarks.
Lou Costello : Get a load of his ears!
Bud Abbott: What’s wrong with them?
Lou Costello : Looks like the wind is blowing from his back! Didn’t I see you flying over Pomona? The Mad Russian: No, it was Glendale.
Lou Costello : Russian — will you please take this dollar, go down to the court and settle the case?
The Mad Russian : Over mine dead bodyl Remember the words of that old saying :”Haste makes!” Lou Costello : Go ahead!
The Mad Russian: THERE’S MORE???
Cast
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Bert Gordon, The Mad Russian (She Gets Her Man) – radio star, this week’s guest. Lou’s lawyer.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist.
- Mel Blanc – Lou’s new dog!
- John Brown – Oliver Storecheese of the Animal Aid Society