Lou’s Engaged To Judy Canova – After tipping his hat to her, Lou finds himself engaged to the country comedienne, Judy Canova! And it’ll be a shotgun wedding!
Lou’s Engaged To Judy Canova – The Abbott and Costello Radio Program, originally aired January 6, 1944
The show begins with Lou Costello being characteristically late again. His excuse? Thirty women attacked him on the street, covering him with kisses!! Since it’s a leap year, women can propose to men …
Bud Abbott: Now, Costello, don’t run down Leap Year. This is an excellent opportunity for some nice girl to propose to you – and then you can settle down and get married.
Lou Costello: Who wants to get married? I DON’T WANT NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
Bud Abbott: What’s wrong with a mother-in-law? Do you know what a mother-in-law is?Lou Costello: Sure . A mother-in-law is the GESTAPO with bxoomers!
Bud Abbott: But, Costello, marriage is wonderful, Wouldn’t you like to have people throw rice at you?
Lou Costello: No, When my brother got married they threw rice at him. It’s too messyl
Bud Abbott: Rice isn’t messy!
Lou Costello: It is when itfs mixed with Chop Suey!
Bud Abbott: Talk sense. Weddings are beautiful. Costello, don’t you like the old-fashioned unions?
Lou Costello: No – they itch me all over.
Bud Abbott: [sharply] Cut that out! Your underwear doesn’t fit our conversation!
Lou Costello: My underwear will fit anything, brother.
Costello’s little black book …
Bud Abbott: Costello, you’re talking like that because you haven’t even got a gir1L
Lou Costello: Who hasn’t? Ilve got a big book full of girl’s narnes„a11
in alphabetical orderb
Bud Abbott: : What’s the first name in the book?
Lou Costello: [meekly] Zelda …
Phone call supporting Lou
Lou Costello: Hello, Costello speaking.
Mel Blanc: [over the phone] Mister Costello, let me be the first to congratulate you on your decision about wcmen. Women are nothing but trouble. I know — I’ve been married. I say, DOWN WITH WOMEN!
Lou Costello: Gee, thanks for backin’ me uno I wish I could do some favor for you,
Mel Blanc: You can – make them let me outta here … [crazily] I’m all right, I tell you! [laughs crazily, someone else hangs up the phone]
Bud Abbott: You see, Costello . that proves what I said – marriage is a wonderful institution,
Lou Costello: Oh, yeah – look at the Institution he’s in!
Connie Haines proposes to Lou?
Bud Abbott: Oh, it ts Connie Haines — he].lc:; Connieo
Connie Haines: Hello, Mr . Abbott; hello, mah fat lil’ sugah man! Mr. Costello, this is Leap Year and I want to proposa to you. I want to marry you before some beautiful actress gets you!
Lou Costello: Gosh, Connie, do you think I’m handsome??
Connie Haines: No, they’re runnin’ out of the handsome ones and they’ll be takin’ them from your class next.
Bud Abbott: Connie, are you really in love with Costello?
Connie Haines: Yes, I am. Mr. Costello, last night I dreamed that you took me to dinner.
Lou Costello: Dream on, girl.
Connie Haines: Then I dreamed that you-all took me to the Trocadero for dancin’.
Lou Costello: Dream on, little girl,
Connie Haines: And then I dreamed that you bought me the most beautiful mink coat!
Lou Costello: WAKE UP, Wake Up!
Lou proposed to Judy Canova?
Judy Canova’s father: Ah’d like to talk to Lou Costello.
Lou Costello: That’s me,
Judy Canova’s father: : Ah came here to talk to you about marriage!
Lou Costello: Sorry, you don’t appeal to me!
Bud Abbott: Quiet. Let me handle this, Lou . What’s the trouble, neighbor?
Judy Canova’s father: Mr. Costello, on your way to the broadcast today, did you tip your hat to a girl on the street?
Lou Costello: Yeah – she said “hello” to me, so I tipped my hat.
Judy Canova’s father: Well, that was mah daughter, so ah’m here to arrange for the weddin’!
Lou Costello: WEDDING? WHAT WEDDING? I tipped my hat to her, that’s all, my friend!
Judy Canova’s father: You and mah daughter. She’s aimin’ to get married.
Lou Costello: Well, ah ain’t aimin’ to marry her!
Judy Canova’s father: [threatening] Ah got a shotgun here …
Lou Costello: Your aim is better’n mine!
Judy Canova and Lou Costello
Judy Canova: Why sure – I got lots of boy friends back home . As a matter in fact, they selected me as their favorite pin-up girl.
Bud Abbott: Really?
Judy Canova: Yep – If Pappy hadn’t chased the dogs away from that tree, I’da been pinned up there yet. Oh, Costello, won’t you marry me?
Lou Costello: Why should I? — My Uncle married my Aunt and my father married my mother,
Judy Canova: Yes?
Lou Costello: So why should I marry a stranger???
Judy Canova: I don’t care what you say. You are gonna marry me! I even got the ring.
Lou Costello: Where’d you get it?
Judy Canova: Some millionaire passed through Skunk Hoa.low last week and gave it to me – a city fellow by the name of Woolworth.
The Wedding’s Off!
Bud Abbott: Let ts go Costello – a few minutes more and you ‘ll be a married man!
Lou Costello: [crying] Abbott, you gotta help me – I’m too young to get married. I’m just a baby..,I still suck my thumb.,
Bud Abbott: You suck your thumb???
Lou Costello: Yeah – I can’t reach my big toe anymore!
Judy Canova’s father: Well, Judy gal, ah told ya ah’d getcha a husband ., didn’t I?
Judy Canova: Shucks, you sure did, Pappy. Too bad Grandpaw cantt be here to seo it.
Bud Abbott: What happened to your grandpaw?
Judy Canova: He dropped dead.
Bud Abbott: How do you know he’s dead? Did you put a mirror up in front of his face?
Judy Canova: Yep – that ‘s why he dropped deadl All right, folks, let’s go inside and get this over with! Oh, this is gonna make me the happiest girl . in the South, and it ain’t gonna hurt a bit. Just step right up in front of that preacher, say ‘I DO’ and we’ll be off on our honeymoon …,
Lou Costello: Are you sure you’re from the South? I thought Southern people had long drawls
Judy Canova: Oh, I took mine off – they made my stockin’s look lumpy … Well, Cmon, honey lamb, this won’t take but a minute,
Lou Costello: [interrupting] Wait a minute, wait a minute — listen, Judy, before we get married, I want you to do a favor for me.
Judy Canova: What ‘s that lover?
Lou Costello: Gimme a—-er —k-k-kiss …
Judy Canova: Why sure — here [LOUD kiss]
Lou Costello: [angry] That’s it! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! THE MARRIAGE IS OFF!
Judy Canova: THE MARRIAGE IS OFF JUST BECAUSE I KISSED YOUI
Lou Costello: SURE – IF YOU ‘D KISS ME YOU ‘D KISS ANYBODY!
Music
- Connie Haines sings “How Sweet Your Are“
- Freddie Rich and his orchestra plays “Just One of Those Things”
Cast
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Judy Canova – film and star star, the country comedienne
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist.
- Mel Blanc – The telephone caller, agreeing with Lou that marriage is a bad idea. Of course, he’s calling from an insane asylum …
- John Brown – Judy Canova’s father – who insists that Lou has to marry his daughter, after Lou’s tipped his hat to her!