The Abbott and Costello Radio show – Nylon Stockings with Lucille Ball. Can Lou get a pair for a date with Connie Haines? What do Lucille Ball and Bugs Bunny have to do with it?
The Abbott and Costello Radio show – Nylon Stockings with Lucille Ball, originally aired November 18, 1943
Lou promises to swear off girls
Abbott: Now see here Costello you have to stop this. either you stop going around with all these girls and talking about them all the time are we through.
Costello: I didn’t know you felt that way of it. Yes, alright I promise I won’t get another girl if I live to be a thousand years old.
Connie Haines: [entering] Hello my fat little sugar man.
Costello: How time flies!
Abbott: Alright Costello look if you’re so anxious to go out with girls why don’t you pick out some nice girl like Connie Haynes?
Costello: Connie won’t go out with me.
Connie Haines: Yes I will mr. Costello. I had a fight with my family tonight and I want to disgrace them!
And Connie agrees to go out with Lou — if he can get her a pair of nylon stockings. Which were in short supply during World War II.
Can Lou get a pair of nylon stockings from Mrs. Niles?
Costello: Wait a minute, Niles, you mean a dame with those ugly legs spends money for stockings?
Abbott: Well now, what do you expect her to wear?
Costello: Hip boots.
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello!
Costello: She’s so bow-legged, when she runs she looks like an egg beater!
Mrs. Niles: My legs are as straight as an arrow!
Costello: Feathers and all!
Obviously, Lou will have to get the stockings somewhere else. Then Little Matilda, only 3 1/2 years. old, comes by. Her teacher sent her home from school early for kissing a boy. Technically, they weren’t kissing – they were sharing a piece of licorice, and she chewed past her half! Maybe Uncle Louie can get nylon stockings from her friend Betty Grable? Leading into a joke about how a milk train stops at every station — how do they get it to sit on a little stool to milk?
Bigglebotttom’s Department Store
So, Bud and Lou try buying nylons at a department store. After insulting a male clerk, and talking to a female clerk — “I’m in long underwear” — they take the elevator to the second floor. And the elevator is run by … Bugs Bunny! And after some verbal jousting with the company president’s secretary, they get in a race for one pair of nylon stockings. Lou’s running, and Bugs Bunny riding his back as the jockey! But the winner is … This week’s guest star, Lucille Ball!
Lucille Ball
Lucille Ball: You won’t get the stockings by wrestling with me.
Costello: Who wants stockings?
She won’t give Lou the stockings, so she heads home. And Lou plans to dash there, and get those stockings!
At Lucille Ball’s home
After Connie Haines sings “Surrey with the Fringe on Top“, Bud and Lou make their way to Lucille Ball’s home.
Abbott: Comb your hair down.
Costello: I did comb it. Ain’t it plastered down nice?
Abbott: Mmm. What’d you use to plaster it down?
Costello: Plaster.
Abbott: Plaster?!? Why’s your hair so yellow?
Costello: Mustard plaster.
They knock on the door, and Lucile Ball mistakes them for the tree surgeons she was expecting.
Lucille Ball: What do you guys want? It’s too late for Halloween, too early for Groundhog’s Day.
Costello: Now wait a minute! Do I look like a groundhog? [to the audience] No coaching please.
After some verbal jousting, Bud tries to swindle her out of her nylon stockings by pretending they do a cleaning service, that specializes in stockings. When that fails, Lou tries to “turn on the charm” and romance Lucy! But it fails spectacularly.
Abbott: Everybody knows you’re fat.
Lucille Ball: Sure, I was talking to your tailor at Universal. He says he measured you for two days before he even met you.
When all else fails, try the truth.
Bud Abbott: The best thing to do is put your cards on the table. Come on.
Lou Costello: Okay, Abbott. It’s this way, Lucille. I promised a pair of nylon stockings to a girl, and if you give me your nylons, I’ll let you work in my next picture.
Lucille Ball: Threatening me will get you nowhere.
After Lou demonstrates “the kiss that made me famous” Lucy gives up the stockings — rather than facing another kiss! Then, Connie Haines comes in, and thinks that Lou’s been two-timing her with Lucille Ball! Lou gives her the stockings, but Connie wanted them to give to Lucille Ball!
So, it was all for nothing. Lou’s got no date with Connie Haines, nor with Lucille Ball. Lou’s feeling lonely. But his pal Bud Abbott’s there for him. Until Lou asks him to dance!
Ken Nile does his “Yank of the Week” salute. Next week’s guest: Jane Wyman. Ken does a Navy recruitment ad for the Navy WAVs, Bud and Lou say goodnight.
Cast
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian
- Lucille Ball (I Love Lucy; Yours, Mine, and Ours) – guest star – “Metro Goldwyn Mayer’s star of Best Foot Forward …”
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend
- The Camel Five – singers promoting Camel cigarettes
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist
- Billy Gray as Matilda – she’s only 3 and 1/2 years old …
Songs
- Freddie Rich and the orchestra plays the instrumental “No Love, No Numbers“
- Connie Haines sings “Surrey with the Fringe on Top“