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Abbott and Costello dice routine

Abbott and Costello Dice Routine

The classic Abbott and Costello dice routine, where Bud Abbott decides to fleece his buddy, Lou Costello, by teaching him how to play dice — but begins to suspect that Lou knows too much already! Done many times, including their first hit film, Buck Privates, as well as their television show

Bud Abbott: Did you ever play dice?

Lou Costello: No.

Bud Abbott: [Turns to friends and winks] Oh well I’d like to show you Lou.

Lou Costello: O.K.

Bud Abbott: There’s numbers on these dice from one to six. You roll them out on the blanket and if you get a six and a one, that’s a natural. you win. A four and a three, that’s a natural. You win.

Lou Costello: Well that’s all you do. Win.

Bud Abbott: Well, no.

Lou Costello: You mean you can lose too.

Bud Abbott: Yes, once in a while. If you roll a two and a one, that’s craps. You lose. If you roll two sixes, that’s craps. You lose. In other words–

Lou Costello: You can win and you can lose.

Abbott and Costello dice routineBud Abbott: That’s all there is to it. Now is that simple?

Lou Costello: Can I play?

Bud Abbott: You wanna play?

Lou Costello: Yeah.

Bud Abbott: O.K. Here you are. [hands Costello the dice]

Lou Costello: What are these?

Bud Abbott: Dice.

Lou Costello: What do I do with those?

Bud Abbott: Well you roll them out on the blanket.

Lou Costello: O.K.

Bud Abbott: Now what happens if you roll a seven? What do you win?

Lou Costello: I win.

Bud Abbott: Well what do you win?

Lou Costello: Nothing.

Bud Abbott: You don’t want to win nothing. So we’ll put some money on it just to make it interesting.

Lou Costello: I don’t like to gamble.

Bud Abbott: We’ll call it bank night.

Lou Costello: If my mom found out I was gambling, she’d put soap in my mouth.

Bud Abbott: Call it bank night. Your mother plays bank night. All right. Put your money down.

Lou Costello: O.K.

Bud Abbott: Alright. Seven you win, craps you lose.

Lou Costello: O.K. Here I go. [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls a seven] I win! [goes to pick up the money]

Bud Abbott: Wait. You don’t pick it up right away.

Lou Costello: I don’t?

Bud Abbott: Not right away.

Lou Costello: But i do get to pick it up?

Bud Abbott: Oh yes.

Lou Costello: You mean I leave it lying there.

Bud Abbott: Just for the time being.

Lou Costello: Until it gets up to my chin.

Bud Abbott: Oh yes.

Lou Costello: Then I send it down by truck.

Bud Abbott: You can do it anyway you want. So you like it so far?

Lou Costello: Oh it’s a good game.

Bud Abbott: How much do you want to shoot for now?

Lou Costello: Fade that.

Bud Abbott: [smacks Costello as if he’s hustling him] What’s this “fade that”?

Lou Costello: What did I say something wrong?

Bud Abbott: You said it too darn right.

Lou Costello: I heard it at the Rinky Dinks.

Bud Abbott: What’s the Rinky Dinks?

Lou Costello: The club where I belong.

Bud Abbott: Have you played before?

Lou Costello: They wouldn’t let me play. I’m too young. i saw the guys at the Rinky Dinks. They had sugar and they put black marks on them and I heard a kid go “WHEE” and i heard “fade that”. Is that a bad word?

Bud Abbott: No, it’s alright. Just as long as you didn’t play the game before.

Lou Costello: No, too young. Starting Tuesday I’m going out with girls.

Bud Abbott: Oh, sure. I thought you played the game. O.K. go ahead.

Lou Costello: My turn again?

Bud Abbott: Yep. Seven you win, Craps you lose.

Lou Costello: [covers his eyes and rolls dice] WHEE! [rolls seven] SEVEN AGAIN!

Man #1: I think it’s beginners luck.

Bud Abbott: Hey that’s it. Beginners luck. How much do you want to shoot for now?

Lou Costello: Let it ride.

Bud Abbott: [smacks Costello again as if he was hustling him]

Lou Costello: What’s the matter i heard that at the Rinky Dinks. I heard a guy say that. Is that bad?

Bud Abbott: Have you played this game before? don’t lie to me Louie.

Lou Costello: They won’t let me play.

Bud Abbott:  I hope not. O.K. There’s your dice. [hands Costello dice]

Lou Costello: I’m winning fair. ain’t I?

Bud Abbott: I don’t know i have my doubts now.

Lou Costello: [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls eleven] Eleven. What about that?

Bud Abbott: That don’t count. I don’t know why they put those numbers on the dice. don’t mean anything but I’ll give you another chance.

Lou Costello: [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls four]

Bud Abbott: Four.

Lou Costello: Little Joe.

Bud Abbott: [smacks Costello again]

Lou Costello: I heard it at the Rinky Dinks.

Bud Abbott: I ought to give it to you. If you roll a seven before you rolls that four you lose.

Lou Costello: [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls three]

Bud Abbott: You lose.

Lou Costello: How come?

Bud Abbott: What did you roll the first time?

Lou Costello: Four.

Bud Abbott: What did you just roll?

Lou Costello: Three.

Bud Abbott: Four and three is what?

Costello: Seven.

Bud Abbott: That’s all.

Lou Costello: He didn’t say anything about adding them up.

Bud Abbott: Well you do that. Now we’ll bet all the money. [rolls dice and rolls eleven] Eleven’s a natural.

Lou Costello: Eleven don’t count! You were nice to me and I’m nice to you so I’ll give you another chance. [smacks Abbott in the butt] That’s the only place i can hit you.

Bud Abbott: [rolls dice and rolls a six] Alright now six is my number. [rolls another six]

Lou Costello: Six again! You lose! You lose! You lose!

Bud Abbott: I got my point.

Lou Costello: What did you roll first?

Bud Abbott: Six.

Lou Costello: What did you just roll?

Bud Abbott: Six.

Lou Costello: Six and six is twelve. Craps, boxcars, big bennies!


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