The Chimp – The Abbott and Costello Show, season 1
The Chimp – Lou decides to bring Bingo the Chimp home from the pet shop and causes confusion at City Hall when he accidentally applies for a marriage license. Then, at the rooming house, the boys attempt to hide Bingo from Mr. Fields.
Act I
Working at the pet store
The Chimp begins with Bud and Lou working at a pet shop, to pay off their back rent. A dissatisfied customer comes in. She bought a dog last week, that was trained to stay at home — and it ran away. She threatens to sue, but Bud offers several replacement dogs. A bird dog? She has no birds. How about a sled dog? She doesn’t have a sled. Lou suggests: “How about a bloodhound? Try to get out of that!” Then, Mrs. Pike calls, and wants them to pick up her Pekinese in the morning. Of course, Lou misunderstands taking a Peke at Mrs. Pike! Then, a lady comes in to buy some dog biscuits …. But Lou’s eaten them all!
They’ll license anything
Lou’s decided to take Bingo the Chimp home with himself & Bud. Following Mike the Cop’s “advice”, they go to City Hall to get Bingo a license. However, Lou accidentally goes into the marriage license bureau by mistake! And the poor clerk thinks she’s filling out a marriage license for Lou and the unseen Bingo.
“She” eats 50 pounds of bananas a week, has long fingernails, has hairy hands and is only six years old! The marriage license clerk has to see “Bingo” before giving them a license. So, shen Bud brings Bingo in, the poor lady is so frightened by the chimpanzee and jumps up on the chandelier!
Hiccups and stilt walking
Not having gotten the license, Bud, Lou, and Bingo are walking home. On the way, Bud gets hiccups. Lou, being friendly, tries to scare the hiccups out of him …. And it works! Only for Lou to get the hiccups instead. So, Bud scares them out of Lou. But Bingo’s wandered off, just as Mike the Cop comes by. Good thing, since he’d have given them a ticket if they didn’t have a license for Bingo. Where is he? He’s found a pair of stilts! And walks past a window, where a psychiatrist is trying to convince a patient that her hallucinations aren’t real. Whoops!
Act II
1 banana + 1 banana = 3 bananas?
On the way back to the boarding house, Bud, Lou, and Bingo stop at Mr. Bacciagalupe’s fruit stand, to buy some bananas. Mr. Bacciagalupe’s selling bananas for five cents each …. Or three for 25 cents! So, Lou decides to get three. And Mr. Bacciagalupe’s trying to convince Lou that since 1+2=3, the 2 bananas are actually 3! So, Lou eats one, and gives one to Bacciagalupe. Where’s Bud’s banana? He can eat the third one!
On the way, they “borrow” a baby carriage, to sneak Bingo into the boarding house. But when a neighbor lady looks at “Mrs. Schultz’ baby” – she faints, overturning the fruit cart! The boys rush in …. With the wrong baby carriage! Mrs. Murphy looks in her baby carriage, sees Bingo and … Faints, knocking over the fruit stand! While the boys try to swap the babies, Mike the Cop comes by. He tells Mrs. Murphy that the “monster” is her own little baby …. She faints again, and Bacciagalupe knocks over the fruit stand before she can!
Cream puffs
Bud and Lou are trying to have a bite to eat, when there’s a knock on the door. Hillary has brought some cream puffs for the “working men”. Behind the curtain, Bingo keeps stealing them as she’s talking. Soon, everyone’s in the room, as Bingo’s throwing cream puffs at everyone, ending the sketch.
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott (Hold that Ghost) … Bud Abbott
- Lou Costello (Buck Privates) … Lou Costello
- Hillary Brooke (The Enchanted Cottage) … Hillary Brooke
- Gordon Jones (The Green Hornet) … Mike Kelly
- Sid Fields (Mexican Hayride) … Sid Fields
- Joe Kirk (Little Giant) … Mr. Bacciagalupe
- Joan Shawlee (Buck Privates Come Home, The Apartment) … Marriage License Bureau Clerk
- Dorothy Granger (Punch Drunks) …
- Isabel Randolph (The Dick Van Dyke Show) … Mrs. Van Olsen. Pet store customer, upset that the trained dog she bought last week ran away. She wants a free replacement.
- Bob Hopkins (The Flintstones) … Psychiatrist. Trying to convince his patient that she’s not really seeing hallucinations. Until Bingo walks outside his window on stilts!
- Bingo the Chimp … himself. Didn’t know he could walk on stilts!
Trivia
- Also known as “Lou Adopts Bingo” and as “Bingo“.
- Story by Sid Fields
Jokes
Bud Abbott: At least we’ll get some money to pay our back room rent.
Lou Costello: That’s just like paying for a dead horse.
Bud Abbott: If you work hard, Lou — work hard, save your money, at the end of the year you’ll have enough money to marry Hillary Brooke.
Lou Costello: How much do I have?
Bud Abbott: Oh, you’ll at least $1,000.
Lou Costello: But then suppose Hillary won’t marry me.
Bud Abbott: So what?
Lou Costello: I’ll be stuck with all that money.
Lou Costello: Why don’t you answer the phone?
Bud Abbott: The phone’s not ringing.
Lou Costello: Why wait until the last minute? [phone rings]
Mike the Cop: [to Bingo] I’d run you in, but you look so much like the Captain, I’ll let you go.
Sid Fields: I’m losing my patience!
Lou Costello: He’s a doctor, he’s losing his patients.