Abbott and Costello Dice Routine
The classic Abbott and Costello dice routine, where Bud Abbott decides to fleece his buddy, Lou Costello, by teaching him how to play dice — but begins to suspect that Lou knows too much already! Done many times, including their first hit film, Buck Privates, as well as their television show
Bud Abbott: Did you ever play dice?
Lou Costello: No.
Bud Abbott: [Turns to friends and winks] Oh well I’d like to show you Lou.
Lou Costello: O.K.
Bud Abbott: There’s numbers on these dice from one to six. You roll them out on the blanket and if you get a six and a one, that’s a natural. you win. A four and a three, that’s a natural. You win.
Lou Costello: Well that’s all you do. Win.
Bud Abbott: Well, no.
Lou Costello: You mean you can lose too.
Bud Abbott: Yes, once in a while. If you roll a two and a one, that’s craps. You lose. If you roll two sixes, that’s craps. You lose. In other words–
Lou Costello: You can win and you can lose.
Bud Abbott: That’s all there is to it. Now is that simple?
Lou Costello: Can I play?
Bud Abbott: You wanna play?
Lou Costello: Yeah.
Bud Abbott: O.K. Here you are. [hands Costello the dice]
Lou Costello: What are these?
Bud Abbott: Dice.
Lou Costello: What do I do with those?
Bud Abbott: Well you roll them out on the blanket.
Lou Costello: O.K.
Bud Abbott: Now what happens if you roll a seven? What do you win?
Lou Costello: I win.
Bud Abbott: Well what do you win?
Lou Costello: Nothing.
Bud Abbott: You don’t want to win nothing. So we’ll put some money on it just to make it interesting.
Lou Costello: I don’t like to gamble.
Bud Abbott: We’ll call it bank night.
Lou Costello: If my mom found out I was gambling, she’d put soap in my mouth.
Bud Abbott: Call it bank night. Your mother plays bank night. All right. Put your money down.
Lou Costello: O.K.
Bud Abbott: Alright. Seven you win, craps you lose.
Lou Costello: O.K. Here I go. [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls a seven] I win! [goes to pick up the money]
Bud Abbott: Wait. You don’t pick it up right away.
Lou Costello: I don’t?
Bud Abbott: Not right away.
Lou Costello: But i do get to pick it up?
Bud Abbott: Oh yes.
Lou Costello: You mean I leave it lying there.
Bud Abbott: Just for the time being.
Lou Costello: Until it gets up to my chin.
Bud Abbott: Oh yes.
Lou Costello: Then I send it down by truck.
Bud Abbott: You can do it anyway you want. So you like it so far?
Lou Costello: Oh it’s a good game.
Bud Abbott: How much do you want to shoot for now?
Lou Costello: Fade that.
Bud Abbott: [smacks Costello as if he’s hustling him] What’s this “fade that”?
Lou Costello: What did I say something wrong?
Bud Abbott: You said it too darn right.
Lou Costello: I heard it at the Rinky Dinks.
Bud Abbott: What’s the Rinky Dinks?
Lou Costello: The club where I belong.
Bud Abbott: Have you played before?
Lou Costello: They wouldn’t let me play. I’m too young. i saw the guys at the Rinky Dinks. They had sugar and they put black marks on them and I heard a kid go “WHEE” and i heard “fade that”. Is that a bad word?
Bud Abbott: No, it’s alright. Just as long as you didn’t play the game before.
Lou Costello: No, too young. Starting Tuesday I’m going out with girls.
Bud Abbott: Oh, sure. I thought you played the game. O.K. go ahead.
Lou Costello: My turn again?
Bud Abbott: Yep. Seven you win, Craps you lose.
Lou Costello: [covers his eyes and rolls dice] WHEE! [rolls seven] SEVEN AGAIN!
Man #1: I think it’s beginners luck.
Bud Abbott: Hey that’s it. Beginners luck. How much do you want to shoot for now?
Lou Costello: Let it ride.
Bud Abbott: [smacks Costello again as if he was hustling him]
Lou Costello: What’s the matter i heard that at the Rinky Dinks. I heard a guy say that. Is that bad?
Bud Abbott: Have you played this game before? don’t lie to me Louie.
Lou Costello: They won’t let me play.
Bud Abbott: I hope not. O.K. There’s your dice. [hands Costello dice]
Lou Costello: I’m winning fair. ain’t I?
Bud Abbott: I don’t know i have my doubts now.
Lou Costello: [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls eleven] Eleven. What about that?
Bud Abbott: That don’t count. I don’t know why they put those numbers on the dice. don’t mean anything but I’ll give you another chance.
Lou Costello: [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls four]
Bud Abbott: Four.
Lou Costello: Little Joe.
Bud Abbott: [smacks Costello again]
Lou Costello: I heard it at the Rinky Dinks.
Bud Abbott: I ought to give it to you. If you roll a seven before you rolls that four you lose.
Lou Costello: [Covers his eyes and rolls dice] Whee! [rolls three]
Bud Abbott: You lose.
Lou Costello: How come?
Bud Abbott: What did you roll the first time?
Lou Costello: Four.
Bud Abbott: What did you just roll?
Lou Costello: Three.
Bud Abbott: Four and three is what?
Costello: Seven.
Bud Abbott: That’s all.
Lou Costello: He didn’t say anything about adding them up.
Bud Abbott: Well you do that. Now we’ll bet all the money. [rolls dice and rolls eleven] Eleven’s a natural.
Lou Costello: Eleven don’t count! You were nice to me and I’m nice to you so I’ll give you another chance. [smacks Abbott in the butt] That’s the only place i can hit you.
Bud Abbott: [rolls dice and rolls a six] Alright now six is my number. [rolls another six]
Lou Costello: Six again! You lose! You lose! You lose!
Bud Abbott: I got my point.
Lou Costello: What did you roll first?
Bud Abbott: Six.
Lou Costello: What did you just roll?
Bud Abbott: Six.
Lou Costello: Six and six is twelve. Craps, boxcars, big bennies!