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Abbott and Costello loafing script

A classic Abbott and Costello routine, where Lou Costello misunderstands that by “loafing” — Bud Abbott means that he’s making loaves of bread in a bakery; not loafing around the house like Costello! Taken from their classic television series, The Abbott and Costello Show.


Bud Abbott
: I had to get a job! You don’t want to work!

Lou Costello: What’re you doing?

Bud Abbott: I got a job at a bakery.

Lou Costello: Good! What’re you doing there?

Bud Abbott: Loafing.

Lou Costello: [reacts] Loafing?

Loafing - Bud Abbott confuses Lou Costello about loafing around vs. making loaves of bread -- loafing -- at a bakeryBud Abbott: Loafing!

Lou Costello: Where?

Bud Abbott: In a bakery.

Lou Costello: You working?

Bud Abbott: Well, certainly.

Lou Costello: Doing what?

Bud Abbott: Loafing!

Lou Costello: That’s what I was doing here, I was taking it easy …

Bud Abbott: No, no, no, not that kind of loafing. You’re just a lazy idiot.

Lou Costello: I was taking it easy, same as you.

Bud Abbott: I work when I loaf!

Lou Costello: How can you work and loaf at the same time?

Bud Abbott: Why not?

Lou Costello: Can they do that?

Bud Abbott: That’s what they pay me for!

Lou Costello: They pay you for what?

Bud Abbott: To loaf!

Lou Costello: [aggravated] How do they pay you to loaf?

Bud Abbott: I work for the baker, I’m loafing there.

Lou Costello: You loaf, you don’t do a thing! How much do they pay you at the baker store?

Bud Abbott: A dollar and a half an hour.

Lou Costello: For loafing

Bud Abbott: I’m a union man! I belong to the union!

Lou Costello: I’m loafing here, and I don’t get nothing for it!

Bud Abbott: You’re not supposed to get money for that kind of loafing!

Lou Costello: Can I loaf there with you?

Bud Abbott: I should say not; you’ve got to join the union.

Lou Costello: [confused] I gotta join a union of loafers?

Bud Abbott: You can’t loaf without belonging to the union.

Lou Costello: Well, what do you think of that? You mean I gotta join a union in order to loaf?

Bud Abbott: Well, certainly!

Lou Costello: Don’t say nothin’ but I was loafing here the union knowin’.

Bud Abbott: No, you weren’t loafing here, you can’t loaf here! You can’t loaf here, you’ve got no dough.

Lou Costello: I got no dough? That’s why I’m loafing, because I don’t got no dough.

Bud Abbott: No, no, you got dough you could loaf. Then you’d have to get a card and join the union.

Lou Costello: You mean, you’ve gotta have dough to loaf?

Bud Abbott: Well sure, how can you loaf without dough?

Lou Costello: That’s very hard, I’ve been trying to do it.

Bud Abbott: You can’t do anything.

Lou Costello: I can’t retire right now, I’ve got to have a job.

Bud Abbott: Someday come down to the bakery, I’ll show you how to loaf. I do real loaf. In fact, you know, I’ve never told you this, my whole family were loafers.

Lou Costello: No kidding.

Bud Abbott: Sure, my father was a bigger loafer than me.

Lou Costello: He was?

Bud Abbott: Yeah, he was one of the best loafers in the family.

Lou Costello: I think you’re a better loafer than your father.

Bud Abbott: I know that now, because he taught me how to loaf.

Lou Costello: You know you’re a bigger loafer than your father?

Bud Abbott: Oh sure, sure.

Lou Costello: You’re a bigger loafer than me too, ain’t ya?

Bud Abbott: You’re no loafer.

Lou Costello: I’m not?

Bud Abbott: Certainly not.

Lou Costello: What?

Bud Abbott: You’re just a lazy, no good for nothing … whatever you are.

Lou Costello: [angry] How can I be lazy? You just told me I’m no loafer, you’re a loafer, not me!

Bud Abbott: But I get paid for loafing, you don’t!

Lou Costello: That’s what I don’t understand – work in a bakery store, get paid a dollar and a half an hour for loafing!

Bud Abbott: That’s right!

Lou Costello: This I don’t understand!

Bud Abbott: What do you mean you don’t understand? What’s to understand?

Lou Costello: I don’t understand you working and loafing and getting paid for it!

Bud Abbott: Wait a minute …

Lou Costello: Can I get a job there, doing the same thing?

Bud Abbott: No …

Lou Costello: I can’t get a job there!

Bud Abbott: You have to belong to the union.

Lou Costello: All you do is talk, talk, talk, and all I hear – you don’t say nothin’ – loafing!

Bud Abbott: I don’t say anything?

Lou Costello: No!

Bud Abbott: Look, you go to the union, you get a card, you go to the baker, they give you dough. You knead the dough first …

Lou Costello: I need the dough, and how I need the dough!

Bud Abbott: You knead the dough in order to loaf.

Lou Costello: I need the dough in order to loaf?

Bud Abbott: That’s right.

Lou Costello: Give me some dough and I’ll get something to eat in the joint.

Bud Abbott: You can’t get any dough …

Lou Costello: Poor Bingo, I don’t know what he’s gonna do without a parent … I just wanna ask you one thing.

Bud Abbott: What?

Lou Costello: What makes a balloon go up?

Bud Abbott: Hot air.

Lou Costello: What’s holding you down?

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