Mortimer’s Pet Shop – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Broadcast: 2nd November 1944
Lou Costello has a stray dog – worth $200! He wants to but the pooch, so he starts working at Mortimer’s Pet Shop to pay for him … Unless he can win the money at the dog show?
Lou finds a dog | Auctioning off the dog | Working at the pet shop | Dog show | Songs | Cast
Lou finds a dog
Lou Costello: NO SIR. I’M GONNA KEEP HIM! HE’S A GENUINE AIRPLANE DOG!
Bud Abbott: An airplane dog?
Lou Costello: Yeh—LOOK AT HIS TAIL SPIN!
Lou Costello: He ‘s taking the place off my little dog that died! His name was GIRDLE!
Bud Abbott: Girdle? How did you happen to name a dog, Girdle?
Lou Costello: Because we kept him tied up in the daytime and we lot him out at night!
Auctioning off the dog
Bud Abbott: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ! STEP RIGHT UP HERE! WE ARE ABOUT TO AUCTION OFF THIS BEAUTIFUL DOG, IN FACT,, NEIGHBORS, HE IS ONE OF T,HE MOST FAMOUS DOGS IN HOLLYWOOD.
Elvia Allman: What kind of a dog is he, mister?
Lou Costello: Do you remember the famous dog, Strongheart?
Elvia Allman: Yes. I remember Strongheart ,t
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother, Weak Liver :
Elvia Allman: I think that dog is a fleahound, Look – he’s scratching himself!
Lou Costello: You’re wrong, Madame … he’s a watchdog. HE’S WINDING HIMSELF UP!
Bud Abbott: Costello, please step asidel Now, Madame, would you like to make the first bid for this dog?
Elvia Allman: Well, I didn’t intend to bid.
Bud Abbott: You didn ‘t what?
Elvia Allman: Intend …
Lou Costello: [fast] Tend dollars has been bid by the lady ! Who ‘ll make it eleven?
Elvia Allman: Just a minute. Don ‘t pull any of those dirty tricks around …
Lou Costello: DIRTY-SIX DOLLARS HAS BEEN BID. DO I HEAR – DIRTY-SEVEN?
Mel Blanc: [mad] Just a minute, you crooks. My wife didn’t bid for that dog!
Bud Abbott: She certainly did!
Mel Blanc: I’ll give you six to five she didn’t …
Lou Costello: [fast] Sixty-five has been bid by this gentleman : Who ‘ll make it sixty-six ?
Elvia Allman: Come, orl Eddie !
Lou Costello: EDDIE DOLLARS HAS BEEN BID. .
Bud Abbott: And what a buy for eighty dollars: Why you can raise $500 on this dog!
Mel Blanc: Oh yeah? You ‘d have to be Tarzan to ralse five hundred on that dog!
Lou Costello: You ‘d have to be what?
Mel Blanc: Tarzan!
Lou Costello: SOLD! SOLD TO THIS GENTLEMAN FOR A TARZAN DOLLARS .
Mel Blanc: Oh, you guys are nothing but fakes . Come on, dear, let’s get out of here!
Lou the shill
Lou Costello: Oh, I get it. Whatever is bid, I keep raising the price!
Bud Abbott: That ‘s right. [raises voice] Now.,WHO WILL BID ONE DOLLAR TO START THE SALE?
Lou Costello: [off mike, yells] I WILL!
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello, you have no money!
Elvia Allman: I’ll bid a dollar!
Bud Abbott: That’s fine – now who’Ill say two dollars? Please : Won’t somebody say two dollars? Will the lady who said a dollar — say a dollar again?
Lou Costello: [yells] TWO DOLLARS t
Bud Abbott: That ‘s better – thank you. Will anybody say three?
Ken Niles: Three dollars l
Bud Abbott: Thank you, sir. Now will anybody say four?
Lou Costello: FOUR DOLLARS!
Bud Abbott: SOLD! THIS BEAUTIFUL DOG FOR FOUR DOLLARS J Now – will the winning bidder please raise his hand? Wait a minute, where is the winner?
Lou Costello: [meekly] It was me
Bud Abbott: Costello – step back in the crowd. Folks, there’s been a mistake in the bidding. Will the gentle.mar_ who said three dollars bid again?
Ken Niles: Three dollars!
Bud Abbott: Would you like to make it four?
Ken Niles: No. Three dollars is as far as I go!
Bud Abbott: But this dog is worth at least four, won’t somebody say four? [pause] Very well … Going once for three dollars … going twice for three dollars … and the third and last time, going. . .going…
Lou Costello: [off mike, yelling] FOUR DOLLARS!
Bud Abbott: Thank you. Sold for four dollars . Who said four dollars?
Working at the pet shop
Bud Abbott: [answering phone] Hello! Morton’s Pet Shop ! Who?? Mrs. Pike! Yes, I’ll send Costello over for it! What kind of a dog have you? A Pekinese?? Okay, Mrs, Pike. [hangs up phone] Costello, I want you to go over and get a Peke at Mrs .Pike’s.
Lou Costello: Get a peek at Mrs. Pikes?
Bud Abbott: Yes.
Lou Costello: Why can’t I take a good look?
Bud Abbott: Listen you Dummy, I want you to go after Pike’s Peke!
Lou Costello: What do you want me to go after Pike’s Peak for … What am I, a mountain climber?
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello, I want you to go tb Mrs Pike’s house and you’ll see her Poke around the yard!
Lou Costello: I gotta finish washing a dog.
Bud Abbott: What dog?
Lou Costello: You know – that little white dog — that a — that —–
Bud Abbott: Spitz?
Lou Costello: No – but he drools a littlel
Bud Abbott: Novor mind that. After you come baek ‘from Mrs. Pike’s I want you to take care of Mrs. Brown’s chou!
Lou Costello: Her what?
Bud Abbott: Her chou. How is Mrs. Brown’s chou?
Lou Costello: I don’t know — I never ate at her house!
Dog Show
Lou Costello: I got an idea! Do you see that poster on the wall? It says — “BIG DOG SHOW TONIGHT” FIRST PRIZE $200!” I’m gonna take Hector to the Dog Show — he’ ll win the money and I’ll pay Mister Morton in full!
But the best-laid plans of mice and men … Mrs. Bekin Van Storage is entering her dog! As is Mr. Kitzel! But … Lou wins! Not Lou’s dog, but Lou! The problem is, Lou left his younger brother Sebastian in the dog’s cage at the pet shop during the dog show … And Sebastian bit Mr. Mortimer! Costing Lou the money and the dog …
Songs
- “Dance with a Dolly” sung by Connie Haines
- The orchestra plays “Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?” before the dog show
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian. This week, he’s also the voice of his own younger brother, Sebastian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist. This week, she plays Mrs. Bekins Van Lines, one of the dog show contestants, as well as the lady who’s not bidding for the dog.
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – another dog show contestant.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – the voice of the dog, as well as the man who doesn’t want to bid for the dog.
- Pat McGeehan (Red Skelton Radio Show) – Mr. Morton, the pet store owner, rightful owner of Hector, the dog that Lou found..
[Editor’s Note: the cover photo is from “Bingo the Chimp“]