Lou Costello and the bank robber – from the Abbott and Costello radio show, Bank Robbery
Lou Costello: Abbott! Hey look! Look what I got! Look at the money!
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, Costello. Where did you get that roll of bills?
Lou Costello: I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a gun ran out of the bank with a bag full of money, and he gave me some.
Bud Abbott: Gave it to you?
Lou Costello: Mm-hmm.
Bud Abbott: What did he look like?
Lou Costello: I couldn’t tell. He had such a bad cold, he had a handkerchief tied around his nose.
Bud Abbott: Why you dumb cluck, that was a mask! The man was a bank robber!
Lou Costello: Oh I don’t think so, Abbott. He was the president. He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk.
Bud Abbott: Sell you the bank for a squawk?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he said one squawk out of me and he’d give me the business!
Bud Abbott: Of all the dumb bells! Why didn’t you go into the bank and investigate?
Inside the bank
Lou Costello: I did go in! And what a way to run a business. I walked in and a couple of clerks were playin’ hide and seek.
Bud Abbott: That’s ridiculous!
Lou Costello: Honest! One guy was hidin’ in the closet, the other guy was other the counter, there was nobody around to play with ’em. Then there was another guy,
Bud Abbott: What other guy?
Lou Costello: He was tryin’ to do tricks.
Bud Abbott: Trying to do tricks?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he was lying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of rope.
Bud Abbott: And you thought he was playing a game?
Lou Costello: Fine time to play games. Especially when he had a toothache.
Bud Abbott: He didn’t have a toothache!
Lou Costello: No? Then why did he have a plaster across his mouth?
Bud Abbott: The man had a gag in his mouth!
Lou Costello: If he did, he never got a chance to tell it.
Bud Abbott: You should have taken the plaster off his mouth.
Lou Costello: I did. And right away the guy started worrying about his rationing card.
Bud Abbott: Worrying about his rationing card.
Lou Costello: Yeah, he started yellin’, “They took the sugar!”
Bud Abbott: No, no, Costello, the man was yelling because he was stuck up!
Lou Costello: Stuck up?
Bud Abbott: Sure!
Lou Costello: Fine time to get a swelled head! Somebody might have robbed the place.
Bud Abbott: He did rob the place! Look, was there anybody with him?
Lou Costello: Just a woman.
Bud Abbott: A woman! Why didn’t you mention her before?
Lou Costello: She didn’t appeal to me!
Bud Abbott: Did you pinch her?
Lou Costello: No.
Bud Abbott: Then you should have held her!
Lou Costello: If I’d have held her, I’d have pinched her!
Bud Abbott: Do you realize that by keeping the money, and letting the crooks get away, you’ ve made yourself an accomplice?