The Drill Routine, as performed by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the film “Buck Privates“
The also did a reprise of it on TV in The Abbott and Costello Show
Bud Abbott: Attention!
(fellow privates fall into attention, but Costello gives a wave and smile to Abbott)
Bud Abbott: Never mind that.
Lou Costello That’s my pal. A big man, the captain
Bud Abbott: Wipe that smile off your face! Wipe it off!
(Costello does so, then begins to mumble)
Bud Abbott: QUIET!
Bud Abbott: QUIET! Whaddya doing?
Lou Costello: I’m talking to myself
Bud Abbott: Well don’t talk so loud!
Lou Costello: I gotta hear what I gotta say!
Bud Abbott: QUIET! Countoff!
Lou Costello: 1
Soldier 1: 2
Soldier 2: 3
Soldier 3: 4
Lou Costello: BINGO!
Bud Abbott: Now you behave yourself! I won’t warn you again! Get your chins out (slaps Costello’s face) Get your chest out! Stick out your chest! (Slaps Costello’s Chest. Costello wheezes) Throw your chest out!
Lou Costello: I ain’t done with it yet!
Bud Abbott: Quiet! Right Shoulder ARMS!
(Wile soldiers 1, 2, and 3 all perform the manuver, Costello throws his gun over his right shoulder)
Bud Abbott: Come on, Pick it up!
Lou Costello: I thought I had it!
Bud Abbott: Pick it up!
Lou Costello: Alright
Bud Abbott: Come on come on snap into it!
Lou Costello: What’s the matter? You a big man now? The Captain?
Bud Abbott: Quiet! Order arms!
Lou Costello: I’ll have a cap pistol.
Bud Abbott: You keep quiet! I won’t warn you again.
Lou Costello Alright
Bud Abbott: All right!
Lou Costello: Pick on somebody else
Bud Abbott: Right shoulder ARMS!
(Costello puts it on his left shoulder)
Bud Abbott: I said Right shoulder arms, that’s your left shoulder!
Lou Costello: I’m left-handed
Bud Abbott: Get it over!
(Costello reluctantly starts but reverts back)
Lou Costello: IT FEELS BETTER OVER HERE!
Bud Abbott: GET IT OVER THERE! Get it over there!
(Costello puts the gun on his Right shoulder)
Bud Abbott: Left shoulder Arms, Right shoulder Arms, Left shoulder Arms, Right Shoulder Arms, Left…
(As he says this, the soldiers keep up, but Costello can’t, throws his gun on the ground and says)
Lou Costello: Make up yer mind will ya?
Bud Abbott: Get back there, Come on!
Lou Costello: (imitating Abbott) Left shoulder arms, right shoulder arms
Bud Abbott: QUIET! Do as your told! Order Arms!
Lou Costello: (imitating Abbott) Left Shoulder…
Bud Abbott: QUIET! Present ARMS!
(Again, the soldiers pull off the manuver, but Costello throws the gun at Abbott)
Bud Abbott: I don’t want it (Throws it back, but Costello throws it at Abbott again) I DON’T WANT IT!
Lou Costello: (Offering it to the soldier beside him) You want it?
Bud Abbott: Put it up there! Get it up!
(missing from tape, but included for logistical reasons)
Bud Abbott: Right shoulder arms!
(end of missing part)
Bud Abbott: Right FACE!
(Lou gets hit in the back of the head with the gun of the soldier beside him)
Bud Abbott: Come on, Come on! Left Face, Boys! (Soldiers return to the previous position) Turn with the rest of ’em.
Lou Costello: The guy hit me!
Bud Abbott: Well, turn with the rest of ’em. Pick up your gun. Right FACE!
(Lou gets hit again and drops his gun)
Bud Abbott: Oh, COME ON! Left face. (Soldiers return to previous positions) Pick up that gun, Now do as your told, turn with the rest of ’em.
(Lou picks up his gun)
Bud Abbott: Right FACE! (lou is hit again) Right Face! Forward March!
(As the three soldiers march with Abbott, Costello Marches the other direction)
Bud Abbott: HALT! HALT! Where are you going?
Lou Costello: I dunno I dunno.
Bud Abbott: You don’t know? Well get with it!
Lou Costello: What time is it?
Bud Abbott: None of your business!
Lou Costello: Nevermind.
Bud Abbott: About face! Forward March!
(As Costello and the soldiers pass each other, Costello waves)
Lou Costello: Hello fellas.
Bud Abbott: HALT! HALT!
Lou Costello: (to soldiers) You guys are goin’ the wrong way!
Bud Abbott: Will you get in line, here?
Lou Costello: I dunno you got me in this mess brother.
Bud Abbott: Get a load of this…(rapid) Right face! Forward March! HALT! (end of rapid) Right face! Forward March! (Wait until Costello is lined up with other soldiers) HALT! (Costello is stopped mid-stride)
Right face! Forward March! (Costello bumps into other soldiers) HALT! Get a load of this….LEFT FACE!
Lou Costello: (Costello turns slowly) Ahhhh…gently!
Bud Abbott: (Holds Costello around the waist) RIGHT FACE! RIGHT FACE!
Lou Costello: (Unable to move) Whew! Boy, what a time we had with them three.
Bud Abbott: Mehhhh….FORWARD MARCH!
(As Costello marches, his belt falls down around his ankles and trips him up)