The Vitamin Skit, with Abbott and Costello
(note: this routine is taken from the Abbott and Costello radio show)
Lou Costello: Hey Abbott!
Bud Abbott: Costello what are you doing skipping around like that?
Lou Costello: Oh you see me skippinâ eh? Its the doctors orders.
Bud Abbott: The doctor told you to skip?
Lou Costello: He gave me these bottle of pills see, take pills one a day and skip the next.
Bud Abbott: Oh!
Lou Costello: This is my skipping day. [Singing] Here we go round the merry go round, the merry go round …
Bud Abbott: Costello! Please would you stop that. Whatâs gotten into you? Your acting like a nitwit.
Lou Costello: I ainât no nitwit Abbott. I used to be a nitwit. But I lost my needles.
Bud Abbott: You lost your needles?
Lou Costello: I lost my needles now I donât got nothing to knit witâ.
Bud Abbott: Thatâs fine Costello. Whatâs come over you? Stick out your tongue.
Lou Costello: What for I ainât mad at you.
Bud Abbott: Come on. Let me see your tongue. Aha you got a coat on your tongue.
Lou Costello: Look down further maybe you see a pair of pants.
Bud Abbott: Are you sick or something? Come here, let me feel your pulse. Here let me put my hand on your brow.
Lou Costello: Are you kidding?
Bud Abbott: Come on, let me put my hand on your brow.
Lou Costello: Then let me put my head on your shoulder.
Bud Abbott: What for?
Lou Costello: Lets dance!
Bud Abbott: Oh! Cut it out you dummy, Costello your not looking very well today, and you didnât look well last night. Eh, did you take that alcohol rub like I told you?
Lou Costello: I didnât have any alcohol Abbott so I rubbed myself down with a bottle of beer. And I almost broke my neck!
Bud Abbott: Almost broke your neck? How?
Lou Costello: Trying to blow the foam off my back! Its hard!
Bud Abbott: Yes I know. The trouble with you Costello is you donât get enough fresh air. Why donât you get out in your garden, like other people, and plant some seeds?
Lou Costello: Eh, plant no seeds thatâs a fake! That seed stuff is no good Abbott!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean thatâs a fake?
Lou Costello: Last spring I planted two pounds of bird seed, and not a single bird came up! Not even a little canary!
Bud Abbott: [Mumbles] Bird seed, bird seed!
Lou Costello: The only bird that came up was [blows a short raspberry]
Bud Abbott: [Mumbles] Bird seed, [Normal tone] Costello, whatâs wrong … Whatâs wrong with you today? Do you knowâ¦ Do you know what youâve been saying?
Lou Costello: Personally I wasnât listening.
Bud Abbott: Oh, your getting impossible!
Mr. Niles: Well, well good evening boys!
Bud Abbott: Oh its Ken Niles! Oh Ken Iâm glad you dropped in. Pay no attention to Costello, Ken heâs not feeling very well, I donât know whatâs wrong with him.
Mrs. Niles: Well then why doesnât he do what my lovely wife does? When sheâs under the weather she puts her feet in a hot mustard bath.
Lou Costello: Must take plenty of mustard to cover her dogs.
Mrs. Niles: Oh I heard that remark Costello!
Lou Costello: I SAID IT FOR YOU TO HEAR!
Bud Abbott: Alright!
Lou Costello: Get your feet working folks the barracuda are running again!
Mrs. Niles: Just a minute Costello how dare you compare me to a barracuda!
Lou Costello: Iâm sorry Mrs. Niles. My mistake,
Mrs. Niles: Thatâs better.
Lou Costello: Barracudas got teeth.
Mrs. Niles: Oh what an insult! Iâve got teeth!
Lou Costello: Yes, but a barracuda keeps his teeth in water.
Mrs. Niles: So what, I keep my teeth in … OH!
Lou Costello: HA HA HAAA!
Bud Abbott: Just … Just …
Lou Costello: You said it!
Bud Abbott: Just a minute Mrs. Niles Iâm afraid youâll have to excuse Costello tonight. Heâs on the ragged edge.
Mrs. Niles: Oh Iâd like to push him off!
Mr. Niles: Ha ha ha ha!
Mrs. Niles: Ha ha ha ha!
Mr. Niles: Oh darling that was wonderful! Your so witty Dear youâre positively intoxicating!
Mrs. Niles: Oh no, Kenneth, youâre the one whoâs intoxicating!
Mr. Niles: Oh no I insist Dear youâre intoxicating.
Mrs. Niles: No Dear youâre intoxicating.
Lou Costello: Ladies and gentlemen youâve just been listening to a couple of zombies.
Bud Abbott: Well Costello youâve did it again. Youâre always insulting people. Iâve come to the conclusion that its all caused by the ragged condition of your nerves. What you need are vitamins.
Bud Abbott: Yes, for instance B 1.
Lou Costello: Be one what?
Bud Abbott: Eh, just B 1.
Lou Costello: Just be one.
Bud Abbott: Yes.
Lou Costello: Are you one?
Bud Abbott: No.
Lou Costello: Then why should I be one?
Bud Abbott: Oh!
Lou Costello: If it ainât good enough for you it ainât good enough for me! What do you wanna do push me into these things by myself?
Bud Abbott: Iâm not pushing you into anything, Iâm trying to tell you something thatâs good for your nerves.
Lou Costello: Well what is it?
Bud Abbott: B 1!
Lou Costello: But I donât wanna be one!
Bud Abbott: I donât want you to be one!
Lou Costello: No?
Bud Abbott: No. When I say be one I donât mean be one I mean B 1.
Lou Costello: Oh when you say be one you donât mean be one you just mean be one?
Bud Abbott: Thatâs right!
Lou Costello: Thatâs right? I donât even know what Iâm talking about!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello look do you know anything about vitamins and calories?
Lou Costello: Vitamins and calories? Sure, I know both of them pull vitamins and cab calories.
Bud Abbott: No Iâm talking about vitamins that contain phiaman. Have you ever heard of phiaman?
Lou Costello: Phiaman? Sure I know him too.
Bud Abbott: You know phiaman?
Lou Costello: Yeah, Simple Phiaman!
Bud Abbott: Costello you dummy phiaman is B 1!
Lou Costello: When did they reclassify him?
Bud Abbott: I donât mean that listen. I have phiaman right in this little bottle.
Lou Costello: Let him out before he chokes to death! PHIAMAN GET OUT OF THAT BOTTLE PUSH OUT THE CORK AND TALK TO ME! PHIAMAN TALK TO ME!
Bud Abbott: Look Costello for the last time Iâm going to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamins are pills. A is the Sunshine Vitamin, B is for energy. Vitamins start from A and go to H.
Lou Costello: Thatâs all they would need.
Bud Abbott: Now just remember Costello. Vitamins are A B C D E F G …
Lou Costello: (Singing) I got a bell in Kalamazoo …
Bud Abbott: Aw, get out of here!