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I bet you that you’re not here

I bet you that you’re not here -€”  Abbott and Costello  routine

In the movie  The Noose Hangs High, there’s a very funny routine, where Abbott and Costello are being guarded by a gangster — €”and  Bud Abbott  decides to bet their warden that Bud can prove that the gangster isn’€™t there!   It’s a classic piece of clown logic, that gets even better when the gangster decides to win his money back by making the same bet with  Lou Costello — €”only for Lou to turn the tables on him!  

Gangster: I’m here.
Bud Abbott: Who said you were here?
Gangster: What do you mean, I’m here, of course, I’€™m here!
Bud Abbott: You wouldn’t want to bet on it?
Gangster: You wanna bet me that I’m … are you crazy or something?
Bud Abbott: I’ll bet you you’€™re not here!   Ten dollars says you’€™re not here!
Gangster: Well that’s a bet, chump, come on.
Bud Abbott: Here, you can hold it too.
Gangster: Ten dollars …
Bud Abbott: That you’€™re not here!
Gangster: Alright, alright, prove it that I’m not here.
Bud Abbott: You’€™re not in Chicago, are you?
Gangster: Why, certainly not!
Bud Abbott: No … you’re not in Philadelphia, are you?
Gangster: No!
Bud Abbott: No … You’€™re not in Saint Louis, are you?
Gangster: Course not!
Bud Abbott: Well, wait a moment … you’€™re not in Chicago, you’€™re not in Philadelphia, and you’€™re not in Saint Louis, you  must  be someplace else!
Gangster: That’€™s right!
Bud Abbott: Well, if you’€™re someplace else, you can’t be here!
Gangster: No …
Bud Abbott: [takes the money] There you go!
Gangster: Hey, that’s a good one! I’m gonna play it on my boss!
Bud Abbott: Sure, sure!
Gangster: [notices Lou sleeping] Does the moss know about this?
Bud Abbott: No, he don’t know anything.
Gangster: He don’t know anything?
Bud Abbott: Nooooo …
Gangster: I’m gonna pull it on him.
Bud Abbott: Go ahead.
Gangster: [to Lou] Hey you, get up out of there.   Hey! (rouses Lou) get up, get up!
Lou Costello: What’d you get me up for?
Gangster: I wanna bet you ten dollars that you’€™re not here.
Lou Costello: [lays back down]
Gangster: Hey, c’€™mon!
Lou Costello: What’€™s the matter with you?
Gangster: I wanna make you a bet.   I bet you ten dollars that you’€™re not here.
Lou Costello: You wanna bet me ten dollars that I”m not here.
Gangster: Right! A chance to make some money. Come on.
Lou Costello: (opens his coin purse with a creak, removes rubber band and finally hands over a ten dollar bill) There you are.
Gangster: Are you ready?
Lou Costello: Yes.
Gangster: Now I’m gonna prove to you that you’€™re not here.   Now, you’€™re not in Chicago, are you?
Lou Costello: No sir, but I’€™ve got an aunt there …
Gangster: No, you’€™re not in Chicago, are you?
Lou Costello: No, sir.
Gangster: And you’€™re not in Saint Louis?
Lou Costello: No, sir.
Gangster: And you’€™re not in Philadelphia?
Lou Costello: No, sir.
Gangster: Now if you’€™re not in Chicago, and you’€™re not in Saint Louis, and you’€™re not in Philadelphia then you must be someplace else!
Lou Costello: That’s right.
Gangster: And if you’€™re someplace else, you’€™re not here!
Lou Costello: Yes. (Lou takes the money) That’s right.
Gangster: Hey, give me back my money!
Lou Costello: Who took your money?
Gangster: You did! That’s my money!
Lou Costello:  I  took your money?
Gangster: That’s right!
Lou Costello: Now just a minute, big boy.   Didn’t you say I wasn’€™t in Chicago?
Gangster: That’s right.
Lou Costello: And I wasn’€™t in Philadelphia?
Gangster: Yeah, yeah!
Lou Costello: And I wasn’€™t in Saint Louis?
Gangster: That’s right!
Lou Costello: Well if I’m not in Chicago, and I’m not in Saint Louis or Philadelphia, I must be someplace else.
Gangster: That’s right.
Lou Costello: And if I’m in someplace else, I couldn’t be here, isn’t that right?
Gangster: That’s right.
Lou Costello: If I’m not here,  how  could I take your money?

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