Hertz U Drive

Hertz U Drive routine, originally performed on Abbott and Costello‘s radio program.

Bud Abbott: Oh, you can cause more trouble! We were going to the eight-to-the-bar-ranch to ask the Andrews Sisters to appear on our show. And YOU wrecked the car we were going to use! Well, now we’ll have to rent a car

Lou Costello: Well, let’s get another car! [Bud and Lou pick up momentum here—fast paced]

Bud Abbott: We’ll have to!

Lou Costello: But where can we get one?

Bud Abbott: A U drive

Lou Costello: Me drive?

Bud Abbott: No … U drive!

Lou Costello: I said I’d drive

Bud Abbott: You don’t drive it. I drive it

Lou Costello: Drive what?

Bud Abbott: A U drive

Lou Costello: Why should I drive when you wanna drive?

Bud Abbott: I’m going to drive! Look, Costello, I’m renting a U drive and I drive it

Lou Costello: Oh then we both drive it

Bud Abbott: No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say U drive, I don’t mean you drive, I mean that I drive although it’s a U drive

Lou Costello: When you say U drive, you don’t mean me drive?

Bud Abbott: No

Lou Costello: You mean ‘you drive’ because I don’t drive

Bud Abbott: Now you’ve got it!

Lou Costello: Now I got it? I don’t even know what I’m talking about!  Now look Abbott. You go to a place and you are going to rent a car?

Bud Abbott: Yes

Lou Costello: You are driving a car?

Bud Abbott: Yes

Lou Costello: Where am I sitting?

Bud Abbott: You are sitting right next to me

Lou Costello: Is there a steering wheel in front of me?

Bud Abbott: No!

Lou Costello: And you are positive that I am not driving?

Bud Abbott: I’m positive!

Lou Costello: And you are driving the car?

Bud Abbott: Yes!

Lou Costello: Alright, what kind of a car you are driving?

Bud Abbott: U DRIVE!

Lou Costello: Somebody better be driving!

Bud Abbott: No no no…look please. I am trying to explain this. We go and rent a car

Lou Costello: Right, now where we gonna get it?

Bud Abbott: U drive company.

Lou Costello: Now I drive company. [shouts] I thought we were going alone!

Bud Abbott: You don’t understand!! It’s Hertz U drive

Lou Costello: Well, if it hurts, you drive

Bud Abbott: That is right!

Lou Costello: That’s right?? This is getting worse!

Bud Abbott: Don’t you see? the head of the company’s Hertz

Lou Costello: That’s too bad, what hurts him?

Bud Abbott: Nothing hurts him! Look every company has to have a head

Lou Costello: Naturally!

Bud Abbott: Now this company’s head’s Hertz

Lou Costello: Oh! Why doesn’t he take an asprin?

Bud Abbott: Listen. It’s Hertz U drive – ALL over the country

Lou Costello: Well if it hurts to drive all over the country why should I drive and get hurt?

Bud Abbott: You don’t get hurt!

Lou Costello: [childish whine] – I’m not going to get hurt

Bud Abbott: You don’t get hurt Costello!

Lou Costello: Nobody’s gonna hurt me!!

Bud Abbott: That’s right. You’re not going to get hurt

Lou Costello: I’m not a fool to get hurt.

Bud Abbott: You’re not going to get hurt. It’s the Hertz company!

Lou Costello: [understanding now] Oh the Hertz company! I still…I still…Look Abbott…I…Am I mixed up!!

Bud Abbott: Alright. It’s very simple!

Lou Costello: Look Abbott

Bud Abbott: Alright

Bud Abbott: Now…

Lou Costello: I don’t want to hurt nobody

Bud Abbott: Will you listen to me please – the man’s name is …  Look, Lou, please … look, take it easy..the man’s name is Hertz, he rents cars. U Drive. It’s the U drive all over the country

Lou Costello: U drive all over the country? Not with that O. P.A. brother

Bud Abbott: What are you talking about?

Lou Costello: That’s why I can’t go, O.P.A.

Bud Abbott: What do you mean O.P.A

Lou Costello: Only a Puny “A” Card!!

Bud Abbott: Get outta here!!

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