Hertz U Drive

Hertz U-Drive routine, originally performed on  Abbott and Costello‘s radio program.

Bud Abbott:  Oh, you can cause more trouble! We were going to the eight-to-the-bar-ranch to ask the Andrews Sisters to appear on our show. And YOU wrecked the car we were going to use! Well, now we’ll have to rent a car

Lou Costello:  Well, lets get another car! [Bud and Lou pick up momentum here—fast paced]

Bud Abbott:  We’ll have to!

Lou Costello:  But where can we get one?

Bud Abbott:  A U drive

Lou Costello:  Me drive?

Bud Abbott:  No … U drive!

Lou Costello:  I said I’d drive

Bud Abbott:  You don’t drive it. I drive it

Lou Costello:  Drive what?

Bud Abbott:  A U drive

Lou Costello:  Why should I drive when you wanna drive?

Bud Abbott:  I’m going to drive! Look Costello, I’€™m renting a U drive and I drive it

Lou Costello:  Oh then we both drive it

Bud Abbott:  No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say U drive, I don’t mean  you  drive, I mean that I drive although it’s a U drive

Lou Costello:  When you say U drive, you don’t mean me drive?

Bud Abbott:  No

Lou Costello:  You mean “you drive” because I don’t drive

Bud Abbott:  Now you’ve got it!

Lou Costello:  Now I got it? I don’t even know what I’€™m talking about!  Now look Abbott. You go to a place and you are going to rent a car?

Bud Abbott:  Yes

Lou Costello:  You are driving a car?

Bud Abbott:  Yes

Lou Costello:  Where am I sitting?

Bud Abbott:  You are sitting right next to me

Lou Costello:  Is there a steering wheel in front of me?

Bud Abbott:  No!

Lou Costello:  And you are positive that I am not driving?

Bud Abbott:  I’m positive!

Lou Costello:  And you are driving the car?

Bud Abbott:  Yes!

Lou Costello:  Alright, what kind of a car you are driving?

Bud Abbott:  U DRIVE!

Lou Costello:  Somebody better be driving!

Bud Abbott:  No no no…look please. I am trying to explain this. We go and rent a car

Lou Costello:  Right, now where we gonna get it?

Bud Abbott:  U drive company.

Lou Costello:  Now I drive company. [shouts] I thought we were going alone!

Bud Abbott:  You don’€™t understand!! It’s Hertz U drive

Lou Costello:  Well, if it hurts,  you  drive

Bud Abbott:  That is right!

Lou Costello:  That’s right?? This is getting worse!

Bud Abbott:  Don’€™t you see? the head of the company’s Hertz

Lou Costello:  That’€™s too bad, what hurts him?

Bud Abbott:  Nothing hurts him! Look every company has to have a head

Lou Costello:  Naturally!

Bud Abbott:  Now this company’s head’s Hertz

Lou Costello:  Oh! Why doesn’t he take an aspirin?

Bud Abbott:  Listen. It’€™s Hertz U drive – ALL over the country

Lou Costello:  Well if it hurts to drive all over the country why should I drive and get hurt?

Bud Abbott:  You don’t get hurt!

Lou Costello:  [childish whine] – I’m not going to get hurt

Bud Abbott:  You don’€™t get hurt Costello!

Lou Costello:  Nobody’€™s gonna hurt me!!

Bud Abbott:  That’s right. You’€™re not going to get hurt

Lou Costello:  I’€™m not a fool to get hurt.

Bud Abbott:  You’€™re not going to get hurt. It’s the Hertz company!

Lou Costello:  [understanding now] Oh the Hertz company! I still…I still…Look Abbott…I…Am I mixed up!!

Bud Abbott:  Alright. It’s very simple!

Lou Costello:  Look Abbott

Bud Abbott:  Alright

Bud Abbott:  Now …

Lou Costello:  I don’t want to hurt nobody

Bud Abbott:  Will you listen to me please – the man’€™s name is …    Look, Lou, please … look, take it easy..the man’€™s name is Hertz, he rents cars. U Drive. It’€™s the U drive all over the country

Lou Costello:  U drive all over the country? Not with that O. P.A. brother

Bud Abbott:  What are you talking about?

Lou Costello:  That’€™s why I can’€™t go, O.P.A.

Bud Abbott:  What do you mean O.P.A

Lou Costello:  Only a Puny “A” Card!!

Bud Abbott:  Get outta here!!

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