Tessie Tinfoil, The Abbott and Costello Radio show
Tessie Tinfoil, The Abbott and Costello Radio show – Lou’s fiancee Ruby Poolcue has broken up with him! But now he has a date with his new girlfriend, Tessie Tinfoil! And Abbott thinks he needs a shave, so he takes him to Mr. Kitzel’s barber shop. Then dance lessons! But then …
Broadcast January 18, 1945, with Mel Blanc, Connie Haines, Ken Niles, Alvia Allman, Freddie Rich, Bea Benaderet
Dating Tessie
Lou Costello: I had a date with her last night. I took her out to Griffith Park . I lit alantern and we sat there spooningi
Bud Abbott: You lit a lantern to spoon? That’s ridiculous . When iwas courting my wife, i never used a lantern!
Lou Costello: I know — and look what you got!
Eh, Homer?
Lou Costello: Oh, pardon me, i gotta answer the phone!
Bud Abbott: The phone didn’t ring …
Lou Costello: Why wait till the last minute?
[Phone rings … Receiver up]
Lou Costello: Hello?
Mel Blanc: [on phone] Hello, you tar!
Lou Costello: Tar?
Mel Blanc: Yeah, that’s ‘rat’ spelled backwards!
Lou Costello: We’ve got the same writers! Who you callin’ a rat?
Mel Blanc: You. So you’re trying to take my girlfriend Hortense away from me., eh, Homer?
Lou Costello: Just a minute, you got the wrong party!
Mel Blanc: oh, changed your voice, eh, Homer? Don’t try to kid me, Hortense told me everything – you wolf!
Lou Costello: Look, i don t t know any Hortense and my name, ain’t Homer, I’m Lou Costello!
Mel Blanc: Oh, changed your name, eh, Homer?
Lou Costello: Look, buddy-you got the wrong nuidber, this is Hillside 2-1-8-3!
Mel Blanc: Oh, changed your number, eh Homer!
Lou Costello: Now, just a minute—-
Mel Blanc: Lying won t t help you Homer! I’m coming over there and rip your red flannels off and horsewhip you till you scream!
Lou Costello: I don’t wear red flannels. I wear B.V D.s!
Mel Blanc: Oh, changed your underwear, eh Homer? [slams receiver]
Mr. Kitzel’s Barber Shop
Bud Abbott: Costello — behave yourself! Here comes the barber!
Mr. Kitzel: [fading in[ hi-yi-o rancho grande. With the clippers i am handy—,ya-h00!
Bud Abbott: It’s our friend kitzel!
[applause]
Mr. Kitzel: Welcome ~ to Itzel’s barber shop! Shaves 25 cents if you smile or 50 cent if you don’ t.
Bud Abbott: Kitlel, what}s the difference if you . Smile or not?
Mr. Kitzel: For a long face iim charging double! costello—how come i’ve never seen you in my shop before?
Lou Costello: I usually get my hair cut around the block!
Mr. Kitzel: I work on blockheads, too! sit down–youire next! my, oh, my, oh? My1 just look at your hair, Costello, it’s getting very thin!
Lou Costello: So what? Who wants fat hair?
Bud Abbott: Never mind the haircut, Kitzel! Costello just wants a shave.
Lou Costello: Yeh, Kitzel, and make it snappy! Can you give me a fast shave?
Mr. Kitzel: Can i give you a fast shave?? I’ll sharpen an axe and let you run past it!
Dance Instructor
Bud Abbott: Listen, Costello — I’m not going to let you make a fool of yourself with Miss Tinfoil tonight! There’s a dancing teacher right in this building — in the apartment across the hall!! Come on with me. Here’s the apartment, Costello!
Lou Costello: Yeah — there’s a sign on the door! Madame Hoochie McKoochie – dancing teacher!
Bud Abbott: Quiet, costello! madame mckoochie, how much do you charge for dancing lessons?
Elvia Allman: There are my prices — right up there on the wall . $12 a lesson!
Lou Costello: twelve bucks? How did you get your prices so high?
Elvia Allman: I stood on a chairi (silly laugh)
Lou Costello: Abbott — ilm gonna clip this damei
Bud Abbott: never mind that, costell03 you need the lesson
Lou Costello: Not as much as I need the twelve bucks!
Elvia Allman: Now-now–mister costello — come here- you put your arm around me and ifll put my arm around you — there!
costello: (starts choking)
Elvia Allman: What’s the matter? Am i squeezing you too tight?
Lou Costello: Oh, no. I always wear my tongue hanging over my shoulder!
Bud Abbott: Costello — pay attention!
Elvia Allman: Yes — now get ready for the lesson! When the music plays, you dance – when the whistle blows — the lesson is over! Oh, i just love to dance — i was born dancing!
Lou Costello: If you don’t get off my feet you’re gonna die the same way! Now get off!
Bud Abbott: Costello — quit the clowning!
Elvia Allman: Now let’s go! Remember — when the whistle blows — the lesson is over! ready position — music!
music : (a few bars of “tiger rag” )
sound : (whistle blows on finish of music)
music : (cut music )
Elvia Allman: Lesson is over! Twelve dollars please!
Songs
- Lou Costello sings a snippet from “Don’t Fence Me In“
- Freddie Rich and his orchestra play “Don’t You Know I Care?“
- Connie Haines sings, “Don’t Ever Change“
- She also sings a line of “The Trolley Song“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. Here she’s Madame Hootchie McKootchie, Lou’s dance instructor.
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – the barber that Bud takes Lou to — for a close shave!
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – hilariously funny as the man who calls up Lou by mistake — eh, Homer?