Sid Fields interviews Lou Costello – from Mexican Hayride, where Sid Fields is a reporter, interviewing Lou Costello. But won’t let him get a word in!
Sid Fields: Mr. Fish, on behalf of the Amalgamated Press I’d like to ask you a few questions. How do you feel about this tremendous responsibility tthat’s invested in you, making you the Amigo Americano?
Lou Costello: Well, I …
Sid Fields: You’re pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you? [laughs] You characters are all alike. Would you say the inter-American relationship as exemplified by your lackadaisical efforts to promote goodwill could possibly accomplish anything?
Lou Costello: Well, I think that …
Sid Fields: You’re exaggerating, you sound like an egotist. Why do you attempt to use polysyllabic conversation when your intelligence quotient is obviously minus nil? Why don’t you just stick to words of one syllable. You know what a syllable is?
Lou Costello: Yeah.
What’s a syllable?
Sid Fields: What’s a syllable?
Lou Costello: A syllable is …
Sid Fields: Are you sure you know what it is?
Lou Costello: Yeah.
Sid Fields: Give me your definition of a syllable. Go ahead, take it easy, don’t get excited
Lou Costello: A syl…
Sid Fields: That’s just one word at a time, you’re sure you know what it is?
Lou Costello: A syl…
Sid Fields: Now what’s a syllable, go ahead, Don’t get excited.
Lou Costello: [yelling] Let me get it out, will ya!
Sid Fields: I want you to tell the girls. What’s a syllable? I want the girls to know you’re a very smart man, an intelligent individual. Now don’t turn your back, what’s a syllable exactly?
Lou Costello: A syllable …
Sid Fields: You’re sure you know what a syllable is? Go on, take it easy now, give me a simple explanation. If you give it to me, it’s bound to be simple.
Lou Costello: A syllable …
Sid Fields: That’s the idea, now we’re getting somewhere, exactly what is a syllable? You don’t mind if I get a word in here, do you?
Lou Costello: No, you go right ahead, I’m getting hoarse now.
Sid Fields: I’ll give you that. Look – a syllable is a sound. Now how is the sound of a syllable formed?
Lou Costello: It’s formed …
Alphabet
Sid Fields: It’s formed by letters of the alphabet placed in juxtaposition one to the other.
Lou Costello: See what I mean?
Sid Fields: No, no, no, I’m telling you. Now how many letters would you say there are in the alphabet?
Lou Costello: Well, there’s about …
Sid Fields: Not “about”, there’s a definite number.
Lou Costello: Hmm, new rules.
Sid Fields: No, no, no, no, there’s always been a definite number of syllables, letters in the alphabet. Now, are they all alike? No,
Lou Costello: [joining in] Nooo …. Well, I got that one in.
Sid Fields: Now there are two types of letters, consonants and vowels. Can you name the consonants?
Lou Costello: Yessir. it’s North America, South America, and Patterson, New Jersey.
Sid Fields: No, no, no, no, the consonants are 21 in number, there are 21 consonants and 5 vowels. Now 21 and 5 …
Lou Costello: 28?
Sid Fields: No, 26.
Lou Costello: I was close.
Sid Fields: All right. Now you take the consonants and vowels and put them together, what do you form? Syllables. Syllables form words, words for sentences, and then people talk or they do what you’ve been doing.
Lou Costello: What have I been doing?
Sid Fields: You’ve been making a fool of yourself.
Confrontation
Lou Costello: Now look [wagging a finger in his face]
Sid Fields: Oh, trying to attack me after I treat you like a gentleman you get antagonistic, belligerent. I dare you to hit me once more.
[Lou crosses his arms, so he can’t be accused of anything]
Sid Fields: Oh, using both of your hands on me, huh? You ought to be ashamed
[Lou puts his hands in his pockets]
Sid Fields: Oh, trying to pull a knife on me, huh?
[poor Lou’s flabbergasted]
Sid Fields: Let me give you a piece of advice before I leave. Remember in the future, when a reporter comes in and asks you for an interview, don’t talk so much!