Running a Newspaper with Hedda Hopper – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, originally aired March 2, 1944
Running a Newspaper with Hedda Hopper – Mayor Bud Abbott wants to run a newspaper for his town of Sherman Oaks, and hires Lou Costello to help! And Hedda Hopper is hired as the gossip columnist. But when they try to sneak into a swank affair — John Brown beats them up!
Starting a newspaper
Bud Abbott: Whai do you know about the newspaper business?
Lou Costello: I wrote a four page article in the Examiner this morning on fresh milk. Here, look at it!
Bud Abbott: Four pages on milk?? I only see two lines!
Lou Costello: The editor condensed it. lt wasn’t much- it was skimmed milk.
Bud Abbott: Costello, that’s not the kind of news we want! We want stories about important people — celebrities.
Lou Costello: Then I’m your man, Abbott — did you know that Ann Sheridan lives next door to me?
Bud Abbott: She does???
Lou Costello: Yeah – and did you know that every morning she sings in the shower?
Bud Abbott: [excited] Costello, that’s news!
Lou Costello: [plays along] And that’s not all! This morning, when she was singin’ in the shower, I sneaked out my back door, tiptoed over close to her house …
Bud Abbott: Yes, yes?
Lou Costello:Brother, can she sing!
Antagonizing Ken & Mrs. Niles
Bud Abbott: Oh be quiet, Costello, If Mrs. Niles will accept, I’m going to make her the fashion editor of the women’s page.
Ken Niles: You’ve made a wise choice, Mr. Abbott, Look at her – doesn’t she dress beautifully?
Mrs. Niles: Oh Kenneth! – Mr. Abbott, this is just an old thing that I wear to peel potatoes!
Lou Costello: It looks Ilke the old thing the potatoes came in!
Mrs. Niles: 0h-h-h-h!
Lou Costello: Maybe If you took out some of the potatoes, you wouldn’t look so lumpy! oh, I liked that one!
Lou Costello, reporter
Bud Abbott: Yes? – What is it?
Lou Costello: I just saw Shirley Temple in the drug store eating a sundae.
Bud Abbott: You call that hot news?
Lou Costello: Sure – it was a hot fudge sundael
Bud Abbott: Oh, don’t bo silly! I want headline news, – news of world-wide importance!
Lou Costello: Well, why didn’t you say so? Hand me that telephone.
Bud Abbott: What are you going to do?
[Lou picks up the receiver]
Lou Costello: Hello, operator – get me Adolph Hitler In Berlin!
Bud Abbott: Adolph Hitler???
Lou Costello: Yeah – he gives me all the news!
Mel Blanc as Hitler: [gutteral ‘hello’ followed by short, garbled German]
Lou Costello: Hello, Adolph – what’s new?
Mel Blanc as Hitler: [yelling and hollering to cut off]
Lou Costello: Is that so???
Mel Blanc as Hitler: [continues to finish]
[sound of the phone slamming]
Bud Abbott: Costello, What did Hitler say?
Lou Costello: What’re you asking me for? Even the Germans can’t understand him!
At the newspaper
Lou Costello: Hello – SHERMAN OAKS GAZETTE. Reporter Costello speaking
Mel Blanc: Costello—-this is the Editor of the Hollywood Evening sun, Since you started your newspaper the circulation Of the Evening Sun is going down, and down, and downl
Lou Costello: What about it?
Mel Blanc: [singing] “I hate to see, the evening sun go down!”
Bud Abbott: Costello, I’m telling you for the last time -YOU’VE GOI tO STOP WASTING TIME AROUND THE OFFICE. From now on, you’re going to be our Police Reporteri
Lou Costello: Police Reporter?
Bud Abbott: Yes, and let me explain your duties! Let’s suppose you’re standing on the corner of First and Main Street, It’s three o’clock in the morning;
Lou Costello: Am I with a beautiful girl?
Bud Abbott: Certainly not!
Lou Costello: Then what am I doing out so late?
Bud Abbott: You’re a polloe reporter and you’re on duty. Suddenly a car whizzes around the corner, A girl leans out and yells: “HELP! HELP! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED!”
Lou Costello: Ob, boy, kidnappers! That’s my meat!
Bud Abbott: You’ve got to go after them!
Lou Costello: That’s my meat!
Bud Abbott: There’s going to be shooting, murder and bloodshed!
Lou Costello: That’s my – I’M A VEGETARIAN!
Enter Hedda Hopper
[Abbott’s continuing to talk through the imaginary car chase]
Bud Abbott: Never mind your hair. You climb into the kidnapper’s car, you knock them right and left, you take the girl in your arms–she looks up at you tenderly, hor oyes flutter and she says…
Hedda Hopper: Good evening, everybody – this is Hedda Hopper! [applause]
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello – this lady really IS Hedda Hopper – the famous columnist. Don’t you know Hedda Hopper??
Lou Costello: I know her whole family – I went to school with her brother, Hippity!
Bud Abbott: Hippity?
Lou Costello: Yeah – Hippity Hopper! AND HER SISTER WORKS IN A DRIVE-IN: CAR HOPPER!
Bud Abbott: Shut up!
Lou Costello: And her uncle’s a waiter – Table Hopper! I met her husband – Grass Hopper!
Lou Costello: She don’t have to – I’ll give ‘er my own news! Hey, Hedda – did you know that Whosis was out with Whatsis over at You know who’s, and they said so-and so about Whatcha-ma-callit!
Hedda Hopper: You know, I heard about that!
Lou Costello: You did??
Hedda Hopper: Yes, but this is the first time I ever got the details!
Bud Abbott: Hedda, I Invited you over here tonight to offer you the Job of gossip columnist on our new paper, the Sherman Oaks Gazette!
Hedda Hopper: Thank you, Mr. Mayor- Ild be glad to help out.
Newspaper shenanigans
Lou Costello: [answering the phone]Hello – Sherman Oaks Gazette, Lou Costello speaking…
What’s that, you’re In trouble again??. No, I’m not gonna help you anymore – you’re always gettin’ In jams; and I’m alwaye gettin’ you out! This is the end, I’m not gettin’ you out of anymore trouble! Goodbye!
[phone slams
Bud Abbott: Costello, who was that??
Lou Costello: Dick Tracy!
Hedda Hopper: Oh, that reminds me — I can tell you how to get a great story! My dear friend, the Duchess of Frappingham, has just arrived in Hollywood, and she’s having a big housewarming tonight! The whole Blue Book has been Invited — meet me there and I’ll introduce you to the right people.
Lou Costello: But how are we gonna get in?
Hedda Hopper: Aren’t you in Who’s Who??
Lou Costello: No, I’m in What’s This!
Hedda Hopper: Well, you both join me at the Duchess of Frappingham’s, and I’m sure you’ll get a story! See you later, boys!
Thrown out of the party
Hedda Hopper: Heathcliff, throw those two bums – OUT!
Heathcliff: It will bo a pleasure, Madame!
[tumbling down the stairs and then crashing![
Lou Costello: [cries] Ohhh, Abbott, I think my leg’s broken – when I bite it I can’t fool anything!
Bud Abbott: You’re biting my leg!
Lou Costello: I wondered why there wasn’t any meat on it!
Thrown out of the party again
Bud Abbott: Cut it out, Costello – got the story!
Duchess of Frappingham: I think journalism is too divine!
Lou Costello: [British] It’s too, too divine!
Hedda Hopper: It’s too, too, too, too divine!
Duchess of Frappingham: Yes, It’s too-too, too-too, toa-too, toontoo, too-too
Lou Costello: TRAIN LEAVING ON TRACK FIVE!
Hedda Hopper: Now let the Duchess toll you hor story!
Duchess of Framingham: Yes – this party celebrates the anniversary of my debut.. I came out In 1912.
Lou Costello: On parole??
Bud Abbott: Costello!
Duchess of Framingham: And in honor of this occasion, I’m wearing the same gown. This is my coming-out dressi
Lou Costello: If I hadda shoehorn I’d shove you back in againd
Duchess of Framingham: OHH! WHAT AN INSULT! HEATHCLIFF, THESE BOUNDERS OUT!
Heathcliff: THAT WILL BE A PLEASURE, MADAME!
Lou Costello: HEY CUT IT OUT LEMME GO! OWWW
[loud crash]
Lou Costello: He can’t do that to me! I’m gonna tell that guy a thing or two!
Heathcliff: Are you back again?
Lou Costello: Yeah – I’m back again!
Heathcliff: Look, I’ve thrown you out of here twice. the first time Iblackened your eyes and broke three of your ribs.
Lou Costello: That’s rights
Heathcliff: And the socond time I knocked out your front tooth and fractured your skull and collarbone!
Lou Costello: That’s right,
Heathcliff: Then what are you doing back here again???
Lou Costello: I just wanna show you there’s no hard feelings!
Music
- Freddie Rich and the orchestra play the then-new Cole Porter tune — “I Love You“
- Spring Will Be a Little Late This Year (1943) by Frank Loesser – sung by Connie Haines
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Hedda Hopper – gossip columnist, who agrees to help with Bud’s new newspaper.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend. As Lou demonstrates when they “check the presses”.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist. This week she does double duty as the Duchess of Framingham.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – this week, several short bits. He also provides the voice of Hitler when Lou calls him,
- John Brown –Heathcliffe, the Duchess’ butler who throws Bud and Lou out! Multiple times!