On this week’s Abbott and Costello Radio Show, guest star Rudy Vallee is going to help Bud and Lou do Jack and the Beanstalk. He’s only here to help!
Rudy Vallee – Jack and the Beanstalk – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Broadcast: February 15, 1945
Guest Rudy Vallee
Bud Abbott: Well, it’s about time you got here, Costello! This is going to be a big night on our program! Ive invited Rudy Vallee `to be our guest!
Lou Costello: Rudy Vallee! But his program follows our program . You mean to tell me he’s gonna be on our program and then sing for a half hour on his own program that means he’ll be on the air for a whole hour!
Bud Abbott: what is wrong with that?
Lou Costello: His nose is gonna be awfully tired!
Bud Abbott: Now now, Costello. . .Rudy vallee does not sing through his nose! That is false!
Lou Costello: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that! I didn’t know he had a false nose!
Bud Abbott: He hasnit got a false nose! it’s the rumor that’s false!
Lou Costello: The r oomer is false?
Bud Abbott: Certainly!
Lou Costello: Then why does he take in that kind of roomerst
Bud Abbott: He doesn it take in roomers. Some people say that Rudy Vallee sings through his nose — I found out it was a false rumor!
Lou Costello: Oh — you mean Rudy is a ventriloquist!
Bud Abbott: No, no.– he is not a ventriloquist!
Lou Costello: Then why has he got his roomer singing through his nose!
Bud Abbott: Costello, there’s no roomer singing through his nose! When i say rumors I don’t mean a roomer like a boarder. The kind of rumor i mean is spreading a false tale!
Lou Costello: The roomer is spreading a false tail?
Bud Abbott: That’s right!
Lou Costello: That I gotta see!
Professor Melonhead
Sid Fields: Good evening, gentlemen — i am Professor Melonhead!
Lou Costello: Melonhead, eh? And you look it, too! Abbott, tap this guy on the skull and see if he’s ripe!
Bud Abbott: Costello — behave yourself. What can we do for you, Professor?
Sid Fields: I am Mister Rudy Vallee’s cultural advisor! it is my duty to investigate the mentality of those with whom Mister Vallee comes in contact! You see, Mister Vallee only associates with highbrows!
Lou Costello: I can see that! Your brow runs all the way to the back of your neck!
Bud Abbott: Professor — I’m afraid that Costello resents your remarks!
Lou Costello: That is right. i resemble those remarks.
[Sid Fields does the syllable routine on poor Lou]
Elvia Allman’s turn
Elvia Allman: I beg your pardon, are you the two fellows Mister Vallee is working with tonight?
Bud Abbott: Yes. I’m Bud Abbott and this is my partner Lou Costello!
Elvia Allman: [calling off stage] Alright boys — bring in the screen and place it in front of Abbott and Costello!
Lou Costello: Wait a minute, lady,what’s the idea of putting us behind a screen?
Elvia Allman: It is made of antiseptic gauze. Mister Vallee doesn’t want to be contaminated by you two bums!
Lou’s jealous of Rudy Vallee
Bud Abbott: Costello, you ire jealous of Rudy because he fs a great ladies mani
Lou Costello: I gotta talk to him about that, too! He’s been stealing my women!
Bud Abbott: Stealing your women?
Lou Costello: Yeah! I don’t mind him grabbing off those eighteen year old girls — but when he starts fooling around with the dames over sixty-five — hets cutting in on my territory!
Bud Abbott: Nonsense Costello! Rudy Vallee can’t help it if the women like him! He has such beautiful wavy hair!
Lou Costello: Why should his hair be wavy? he sleeps all night with his head in a venetian blindt
Its Mel Blanc’s turn
Mel Blanc: Good evening gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself! I am Mister Vallee’s personal business manager . . .I am Eustace P. Dink!
Bud Abbott: Dink?
Mel Blanc: Dinki
Lou Costello: did you say — Dink???
Mel Blanc: [irritated] Yes! Dink — Dink — Dink!
Lou Costello: [sings[ Dink, dink, dink, went the trolley, clank, clank, clank, went the bell …
Bud Abbott: Quiet, costello — ask mister dink if heid like a drink!
Lou Costello: Okay — I’ll fix Mister Drink, a dink . I mean I’ll get a dink for Mister Drink — I’ll bring him a sandwich!
Mel Blanc: Please gentlemen, i just came over here to leave this: Pail of’ melted butter! Mister Vallee wants you to pour the butter on the script!
Lou Costello: Pour melted butter on the script? What’s the idea?
Mel Blanc: Mister Vallee likes plenty of butter on his corni [silly laugh]
Lou Costello: Hold me back, Abbott — before i give Mister Dink a clunk on the conk with a crank!
Bud Abbott: Forget about that costello . . .And pour the drinksi
Lou Costello: Okay — iill take this tall glass!
Bud Abbott: Oh, no you don’t — that drink’s Dink’s!
Lou Costello: What?
Bud Abbott: I said — that drink’s Dink’s!
Lou Costello: Must be the cheap gin you’ve been buying!
Mel Blanc: Forget about the drinks+ and let is get down to business! I’ve brought over Mister Vallee is head writer to put some jokes in the script. (calls off stage) Will you step in here C .B . ?
Its Mr. Kitzel’s turn
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, Kitzel. You don’t write jokes for Vallee.
Mr. Kitzel: Oh-ho — so I don’t, eh? I just wrote a joke this morning . Listen to this — “What has four wheels and flies?”
Bud Abbott: All right, I’ll ask you – “What has four wheels and flies ?”
Mr. Kitzel: A garbage wagon! Ha, ha, ha . Ilm killing myself.
Lou Costello: You’re saving me the trouble!
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, Costello. Kitzel may have some better jokes.
Lou Costello: But i know better jokes than he does! Llisten, Kitzel, “what happened to the rat that crawled into the barrel of molasses ?”
Mr. Kitzel: Mmmmmmmmm? What happened to the rat that crawled into the barrel of molasses???? That sticks me!
Lou Costello: It stuck the other rat too! Ha, ha, ha!
Mr. Kitzel: It stuck the other rat too! Ha, ha, ha!
Lou Costello: Like it ?
Mr. Kitzel: No!
Bud Abbott: Kitzel, did you bring some jokes over for our script?
Mr. Kitzel: Here is one joke that Mister Vallee insists that you put in . “What is the difference between an animal with long horns, a ten carat diamond ring, and a jackass?”
Bud Abbott: Kitzel, everybody knows that joke. An animal with long horns is a reindeer . And a ten carat diamond is too dear.
Lou Costello: Yeah – what about the jackass?
Mr. Kitzel: That’s you dear!
Lou Costello: That is just a rumor. I’m wearing a false tail.
Rudy Vallee Finally Arrives!
Ken Niles : Step aside i step aside everybody — Mister Vallee is about to enter the studio. Everybody prepare yourself. Hey you, fat boy!
Lou Costello: What do you want me to do?
Ken Niles : Please remove your hat and shoes — kneel down and face the east!
music: (bugle fanfare)
Rudy Vallee: (fades in singing ) “my time is your time”
Rudy Vallee’s here to help …
Rudy Vallee: But Costello, i came over to help you! You see, my program follows yours and if we get together we can make Thursday night the biggest night in radio!
Bud Abbott: Costello, I asked Rudy to come over here . He is an old friend of mine!
Rudy Vallee: Indeed i am, how well i remember when bud and I were barefoot boys! We used to go camping together in the forest . Many is the t ime that we roasted ham over an open fire!
Lou Costello: I can smell, the ham roasting now!
Rudy Vallee: Yes, you’d better step back from those hot footlights!
Jack in the Beanstalk radio skit
Rudy Vallee: That’s very sweet of you, Bud, to ask me to set the scene. I didn’t come over here for that purpose. Costello, is the star of this play—but of course, it you insist—
costello: Whois insisting?
Rudy Vallee: Thank you! Remember, Costello— I’m only here to help you! Now, let’s get on with the story! Ladies and gentlemen, once upon a time there lived a poor old lady and her son, Jack!
Lou Costello: That ‘s me folks— iim the star!
Rudy Vallee: That’s right. Jack and his mother had no food to eat in the house so jack’s mother said to him : (raises voice higher) Jack, my son, we have nothing to eat and we have no money—
Lou Costello: Just a minute Rudy? Are you playing the part of my mother?
Rudy Vallee: Of course, Costello — anything to help you out!
Lou Costello: Oh. For a minute I thought you was butting into my play!
Rudy Vallee: Of course not. Now, the mother goes on to say — (high voice) Jack, my son, take our cow into the city and sell it! We need the money. (natural voice) So, little Jack goes trudging down the road with the cow — clump, clump, clump — moo, moo, moo!
The cow gives buttermilk?
Lou Costello: Hey, wait a minute! Are you doing the sound effects, too?
Rudy Vallee: Certainly — I’m here to help you, I’m putting you across!
Lou Costello: You’re putting me across a barrel! When do i get to talk?
Bud Abbott: Be patient, Costello! You’ll be on in a minute!
Lou Costello: Get me on while I’m still young!
Rudy Vallee: Now — as Jack trudges down the road with the cow, he meets a funny old man, who stops him and says : (farmer voice) Good morning, Jack. How d’ya feel this fine morning?
Lou Costello: I feel …
Rudy Vallee: (interrupts fast) you’re looking good, too! What have you got there on the end of that rope?
Lou Costello: It is a—-
Rudy Vallee: (fast) It’s a cow, eh? Pretty poor looking cow . Reminds me of a cow i used to have — she gave buttermilk!
Lou Costello: Buttermilk?
Rudy Vallee: Of course. what else can a poor cow give but her milk!
Songs
- Freddie Rich and the orchestra perform “The Very Thought of,You“
- Connie Haines sings “Accentuate the Positive” .
- Rudy Vallee sings a snippet of “My Time is Your Time“.
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. Here she’s part of Rudy Vallee’s entourage..
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – this week, Mr. Kitzel is Rudy Vallee’s joke writer.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – Eustace P. Dink, part of Rudy Vallee’s entourage.
- Sid Fields – Professor Melonhead.