Bud Abbott hires a new press agent for Lou Costello, who plans a photo opportunity of Lou working on the farm! Zingo! But Lou has to pay his taxes first! Then, it’s time for a soggy saga of the Sahara desert, as the boys have to rescue the princess Ben Ali!
New Press Agent – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, originally broadcast March 8, 1945
The Tax Collector
Bud Abbott: Costello, I’ve been looking all over for you. . .Do you realize tha t you only ha ve one week left to file your income tax?
Lou Costello: I took care of that, Abbott, and this year it’s gonna cost me a lot less!
Bud Abbott: Why?
Lou Costello: I put the government down as a dependent!
Bud Abbott: You dummy, you can it do that! You don t t know the first thing about income taxes.
Lou Costello: Is that so? … Well listen to this … First you go down to the tax bureau … You walk inside, . . There is a guy sitting there with a lot of paper and pencils … he’s the income tax collector …
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: First he takes all the money you made last year …( pause ) …
Bud Abbott: Then?
Lou Costello: That’s all! He just takes all the money you made last year!
Money lessons
Bud Abbott: Now, suppose you wanted to buy a house that cost five thousand dollars and you only had two thousand dollars … What would you do?
Lou Costello: I’d marry a girl with three thousand dollars!
Bud Abbott: How can you be such an imbecile?
Lou Costello: I practice!
Bud Abbott: It’s no use discuss ing money with you … You didn’t even know the difference between capital and labor!
Lou Costello: Yes do … now if I lend you ten dollars, that is capital!
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: But when I try to get it back, that is labor!
New Publicity Agent
Dick Lane: My name is needle but that’s not the point. I understand that you need a man to handle your business and publicity .
Lou Costello: Well I …
Dick Lane: All right I’ll take the job!
Lou Costello: I certainly talked him into that didn’t I?
Dick Lane: Now let’s discuss my salary, a man of my standing must receive a weekly stipend commensurate with my ability, shall we say five hundred dollar?
Lou Costello: What!
Dick Lane: Thank you, i knew you’d agree to that.
And then, for publicity, he wants to do a photo opportunity of Lou Costello working on a farm.
Soggy sagging saga of the Sahara
Ken Niles: Ladies and gentlemen, through the courtesy of Turhan Bey we now present a soggy sagging saga of the Sahara, starring Abbott and Costello and the Princess Ben Ali … Entitled: “the two dirty bedouins” or “it t s time to change the sheiks”.
Lou Costello: (calls) hello in there, princess. It is me, your friend, the Riff !
Elvia Allman: Hello, Riff! What do you heaR from the raff?
Lou Costello: Things are pretty rough with the raff . . . Riff-Raff!
Bud Abbott: It’s dark in this tent, princess . I can hardly see you!
Lou Costello: There she is, abbott. Boy, she sure has gotten skinny!
Elvia Allman: (sharply) youire looking at the tentpole, stupid … I’m the one over here with the turban on my head!
Rescuing the princess
Lou Costello: Don’t worry, princess, we’ll help you escape!
Elvia Allman: But it’s five hundred miles across the desert . Do you have a car?
Lou Costello: Nope!
Elvia Allman: Do you have a jeep?
Lou Costello: Nopr1
Elvia Allman: Well, do you have horses????
Lou Costello: No, but I gotta wagon.
Elvia Allman: But who’s going to pull the wagon???
Lou Costello: My little pekinese dog.
Elvia Allman: (quickly, sharp) how can a little pekinese dog pull the three of us in a big wagon?
Lou Costello: We’ve got whips!
Songs
- Connie Haines sings “Accentuate the Positive“
- Rosa Linda plays her arrangement of the gypsy music from “Carmen Jones” “Carmen On a Spree“.
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. Here, she plays the role of Princess Ben Ali, whom Abbott and Costello have to rescue, and the mother Mrs. Clutch.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) –income tax agent collecting next year’s taxes, as well as impersonating Humphrey Bogart in the radio play.
- Dick Lane (Boston Blackie) – the new press agent!