Still determined to spend Lou Costello’s $75, Bud Abbott determines to use it to open … a matrimonial agency! And to con a wealthy client, he pretends that Lou’s younger brother, Sebastian, is his son!
Matrimonial Agency – Abbott And Costello Radio Show, originally broadcast October 26, 1944
Cousin Hugo’s wedding
Lou Costello: Who gave the bride away?
Bud Abbott: That’s what I said — don’t you know, that’s you’re own cousin.
Lou Costello: Nobody!
Bud Abbott: Nobody?
Lou Costello: No, I could have — but I kept my mouth shut!
Bud Abbott: No, no, Costello – I mean, who led her down the aisle?
Lou Costello: Nobody led her – she knew the way blindfolded!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello – someone had to lead her down the aisle to meet her spouse.
Lou Costello: To meet her what?
Bud Abbott: Her spouse! Hugo is the spouse!
…
Lou Costello: You can’t call Hugo a spouse! He never touches the stuff!
Matrimonial Agency
Bud Abbott: Costello, there’s no uso arguing. I’vo made up your mind.
Lou Costello: You always do.
Bud Abbott: We’re going to take your $75 and open a matrimonial agoncyl Why, we can make a fortune by uniting people in the bonds of matrimony!
Lou Costello: The bonds of’ matrimony?? Are they anything like War Bonds?
Bud Abbott: Matrimony has nothing to do with war!
Lou Costello: THAT AIN’T THE WAY I HEARD IT!
Phone call
Lou Costello: [answering the phone] Hello! ABBOTT & COSTELLO MATRIMONIAL AGENCY! “If you furnish the money we’ll got you a honey!”
Mel Blanc: Do you think you could find me a wife? You see, I’ve got to have a wife. I’ve got two million dollars. I’ll give the girl a million dollars, and I’ll give you a million dollars for your fee!
Lou Costello: A million dollars for me! Oh boy – come right over to the office!
Mel Blanc: I can’t come over. They won’t let me out of here! I’M ALRIGHT I TELL YOU! I’M ALRIGHT!.[mad laugh]
First customer
Martha Wentworth: I’M LOOKING FOR A MAN! I’VE GOT TO HAVE A MAN! I MUST HAVE A MAN! I TELL YOU — I MUST HAVE A MAN!
Lou Costello: LADY — PUT ME DOWN!
Bud Abbott: Just a moment, Miss — what can we do for you?
Martha Wentworth: All my life I’ve been looking for the ideal man — and at last I’ve found him! I LOVE THIS LTTTLE FAT BOY! SPEAK TO ME, MY CHUBBY LITTLE ROME! TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME! SPEAK TO ME! SPEAK TO ME! WHY DON’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?
Lou Costello: I CAN’T!’ YOU’RE STANDING ON MY CHEST! GET UP!
Martha Wentworth: OH YOU WONDERFUL MAN! TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS MY LITTLE FAT BOY – AND SAY THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL! SAY IT!
Lou Costello: [meekly] I don’t wanna!
Martha Wentworth: Please? PLEASE SAY IT! SAY I AM BEAUTIFUL!
Lou Costello: Okay, I am beautiful! There, you made me say it.
Bud Abbott: Look – Madame, we’ll find you a husband if you’ll just answer a few questions. Have you ever been married before?
Martha Wentworth: Oh yes – I was happily married for fifteen years – but seven years ago my husband disappeared! I’m afraid the poor man is dead!
Bud Abbott: Costello – just look at this poor woman — her husband is dead!
Lou Costello: I am looking at her – HE ISN’T DEAD – HE’S HIDING!
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist.
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel –
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) –
- Martha Wentworth (One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961); The Sword in the Stone)
Songs
- Very Thought of You, performed by Freddie Rich and his orchestra
- It Had to be You, sung by Connie Haines