Making A Movie With The Andrews Sisters – The Andrews Sisters sue Bud and Lou for slander! And they’ll work it off by costarring in the Sisters’ next picture! Ending with Lou singing with the ladies!
Making A Movie With The Andrews Sisters – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, broadcast April 26, 1945
The Lawsuit | The Andrews Sisters | Movie Studio | Director Cliff Nazarro
Lou’s uncle Artie Stebbins
Bud Abbott: Costello, I don’t know which one is dumber … You or your Uncle Artie!
Lou Costello: Well, I don’t like to brag, Abbott, but I am! … Of course, Artie is lazier than me.
Bud Abbott: You mean lazier than I.
Lou Costello: Yeah, he’s lazier than the both of us … Artie only says his prayers one night a year!
Bud Abbott: He must be lazy!
Lou Costello: Yep, the rest of the nights he just hops in bed and says, ditto!
The Lawsuit
Sid Fields: Good evening, gentlemen . My name is Melonhead. . .Casaba J. Melonhead.
Lou Costello: Say, you look familiar, didn’t I see your head on a pushcart? … Hey, Sbbott…
Sid Fields: (interrupting , . Sputters, sniffles ) Please! Don’ t ever say hay, I have hay fever and every time i hear any word with hay in it I sneeze. (starts sneezing) oops! I said it myself, ah-choo!
Bud Abbott: Remember, Costello, a certain word makes this man sneeze . Have you got that?
Lou Costello: I got it all over me, Abbott! Now, Mr. Melonhead, what’s your business?
Sid Fields: I’m an attorney at law representing the Andrews Sisters … 3 weeks ago, you had the Andrews Brothers on your program.
Lou Costello: Don’t talk to me about those guys . . .I hate them …
Sid Fields: You what ?
Lou Costello: I hate ’em!
Hay Fever
Sid Fields: (starts sputtering ) You said it ! ( sputters ) hay, hay , hay – –
Lou Costello: The dam is busted Abbott … Run for the hills!
Sid Fields: Ahhhhhh choo
Lou Costello: Too late! Quick Abbott, run down to the bank .
Bud Abbott: But you have no money in the bank!
Lou Costello: Who needs money? . . . Get me some blotters!
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello. . .What were you saying, mr . Ivielonhead?
Sid Fields: I said, 3 weeks ago you had the Andrews Brothers on your program and in so doing you did deliberately and willfully with malice aforethought, cause, create, and effect a libel against my clients, the Andrews Sisters, hereinafter known as the plaintifis.
Lou Costello: You mean they changed their name to the Plaintiff Sisters?
Bud Abbott: No you dummy … He means that the Andrews Sisters are suing us for slander! We need a lawyer …
Both sides of the case?
Sid Fields: Let me introduce myself, gf;ntlemen. . .I am a lawyer. . . Now what seems to be your trouble?
Lou Costello: You just told us what the trouble was!
Sid Fields: Ah, yes! But that was when i was representing the Andrews Sisters! Now, as your lawyer, I see things differently! The first thing I’ll do is keep you out of’ jail with a writ of habeas corpus I … Habeas ! … (starts sniffing ) hay! … Hay I hay!
Lou Costello: Duck in a doorway, Abbott! Here it comes …
Sid Fields: aii, ah, ah (catches himself) ahhh. I stopped it!
Lou Costello: Good, then i can turn around now .
Sid Fields: Yes! (suddenly) ah chooi
Lou Costello: He double crossed me!
Sid Fields: I;m sorry, Costello, but I can’t help it.
Lou Costello: Well, you don’t have to chew licorice.
Sid Fields: Gentlemen, where can we meet to talk this thing over?
Lou Costello: We can get together tonight at my new colonial home .
Bud Abbott: Costello, your new house isn’t colonial, it’s spanish .
Lou Costello: Well, i’m no dope . I’m not gonna say haycienda!
Sid Fields: Haycienda I hay I hay I ha choo!
Lou Costello: Get outta here, Melonhead … You can’t be our lawyer … How can you handle both sides of the case?
Sid Fields: My dear boy, i have a split personality. . .
The Andrews Sisters arrive
Bud Abbott: Costello, it is the Andrews Sisters!
(applause)
Patty: (mad) Ah ha! There you are. You five-gallon jughead!
Lou Costello: Abbott, i think she means me!
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello … I’ll handle this . . . Ladies, you must forgive Costello for his mistakes … After all, it is not his fault that he’s a dumb jerk!
La Verne: Well, who’s fault is it?
Lou Costello: Abbott, this dame is dopier than me!
Patty: Costello, we’re sueing you for ten thousand dollars .
Bud Abbott: Miss Patty; I’m sure we can make some kind of a deal … Suppose Costello and i appear in your next picture?
At the Movie Studio
Bud Abbott: Well, Costello, here we are a the stjdioo . .Look . . .Look over there. . . That’s the great Russian producer, Cartoony Tecinicolorvitch!
Mel Blanc : (fades in) ah hal new actors~ eh? You fat boyi stand where you are, don’t move! …Mmmmmmmmmm. . . .Now turn slowly around … Mmmmm (fast) now move! get out of here!
Bud Abbott: But Mr. Tecinicolorvitch we’re Abbott and Costello, and we are here to appear in the Andrews Sisters’ picture.
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mr. Tecinicolorvitch … I’m a pretty good actor.
Mel Blanc : : Yes? What pictures were you in?
Lou Costello: I don’t like to brag’ but did you see The Picture of Dorian Grey?
Mel Blanc : I certainly did!
Lou Costello: (weakly) well~ didn’t you think it was hung a little crooked? … it must have made Oscar Wilde!
Director Cliff Nazarro
Maxene: Oh, this is our director, Mr,Cliff Nazarro. Cliff, can you use these two boys in our picture?
Cliff Nazarro: Yes, i think so … I need a lover and a stunt man,
Bud Abbott: I’m a lover .
Lou Costello: And ifm stunted! … Wait a minute, Abbott … You’re no lover!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean??? When I come on the screen, women sit up and notice me!
Lou Costello: Oh yeah? … The women who would notice you are too old to sit up!
Patty: Cliff, we’re wastini time! … Why don’t you explain the scene to the boys,
Cliff Nazarro: All right. … Now boys, this is a very simple scene . . .The camera catches Patty and Abbott in an embrace. Costello, you come into the room and Abbott (double talk) .
Songs
- Connie Haines sings “Close as the Pages in a Book“
- The Andrews Sisters sing, “I’m Beginning to See the Light“
- The Andrews Sisters, with Lou Costello, sing a special “disarrangement” of “Sonny Boy“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- The Andrews Sisters – Patti, La Verne, Maxine (In the Navy; Private Buckaroo) – this week’s guest stars. They’re suing Bud and Lou for having the “Andrews Brothers” on the show a few weeks before …
- Will Osborne and his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Sid Fields – Lawyer Casaba J. Melonhead – who’s suing Abbott and Costello on behalf of the Andrews Sisters! But he’ll take their side of the case as well! How? He’s got a split personality!
- Mel Blanc – Producer for the Andrews Sisters’ movie — the great Russian producer, Cartoony Technicolorovitch!
- Cliff Nazarro – the fast-talking director of the Andrews Sisters movie — who specializes in gibberish.
- Pat McGeehan – Thanks to the Yank of the week.
- Lou Marcelle – Prince Albert commercial