Lou’s House Needs Another Bathtub – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show – but there’s strict rationing during World War II! So …
Lou’s House Needs Another Bathtub – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, originally broadcast January 11, 1945
Is the roof shingle or tiled?
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello—you can generally tell what kind of a house it is by the roof! Is the roof shingle or tiled?
Lou Costello: Oh sure…it’s one of them— [take] —what did you say?
Bud Abbott: Is your roof shingle?
Lou Costello: Certainly it’s shingle. Whoever herd of a married roof?
Bud Abbott: Costello — will you talk sense? Is your roof shingle or did you have it tiled?
Lou Costello: Abbott! What are you saying? When you’re shingle you cln’t fave i tiled!
Bud Abbott: Not wait a minute …
Lou Costello: Only married people can hive a tiled!
Bud Abbott: Costello–i’m talking about your roof-top!
Lou Costello: My what top?
Bud Abbott: Roof-top! Roof–roof—roof !
Lou Costello: i can’t hear you–there’s a dog barking someplace!
House without a bathtub
Bud Abbott: Costello, are you crazy??? Do you mean io teli me that you bought a house without a bathtub??
Lou Costello: Why do we need a bathtub??? We’re only gonna stay here during the winter.
Bud Abbott: Costello—i have to have a bath!
Lou Costello: you can take a bath in the sink it’ll save us the cost of a maid!
Bud Abbott: How can i save the cost of a maid by taking a bath in the sink?
Lou Costello: You can wash yourself and the dishes at the same time!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello. You can count me out! I’m not going to live in a house without a bathtub! You haven’t even got a bathroom!
Mr. Fawcett from the ration board
Bud Abbott: No-no—i mean you can’t buy a tub, without an okay from the ration board!
Lou Costello: Oh, that’s easy–i’ll call them right upe [dialing of phone, rings at other end]
Elvia Allman: Good afternoon — O.P.A. Ration board-if you haven’i got it—try and get it! [silly laugh]
Lou Costello: Look, lady— I just bought a house out in the country and it ain’t got no bathroom
Elvia Allman: Why don’t you bathe in the spring?
Lou Costello: I can’t wait till spring. I’m going to a dance Saturday night !
Elvia Allman: Well, i don’t know whether you can get a priority for plumbing or not! I’ll let you talk to our Mister Fawcett! — -but i’m afraid you’ll find him pretty cold!
Lou Costello: Hot or cold — connect me with Fawcett!
Elvia Allman: One moment please …
Ken Niles: Hello! Fawcett leaking—er, speaking,
Lou Costello: Hello! This is Lou Costello. I’d like to have a bath!
Ken Niles: How long has it been since you had one??? [silly laugh]
Lou Costello: Hey, wait a minute, I didn’t call up io hear you dribble, Fawcett! I’m trying to get a new tub,
Ken Niles: I’m sorry the only tubs we’re releasing are for commercial purposes. Do you iike in washings?
Lou Costello: Waddya mean take in washings??? I never washed in my life!
Ken Niles: In that case it’s nice of you to make this call by phone! Goodbye!
Then, Acme Junk Yard
Lou Costello: [on telephone] Is this the Acme Junk Yard?
Mel Blanc: Yes?
Lou Costello: I’d like to get a second hand bathtub.
Mel Blanc: [hysterical] You’d like to get a second hand bathtub? Oh you mad, impetuous fool! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho-ho! Aha-ha-ha …
Lou Costello: Alright brother-don’t knock yourself out! All i want is a second-hand tub!
Mel Blanc: [sarcastically] all you want is a second_hand tub, are you sure that’s all?? Why don’t you ask me for a date with my wife??
Lou Costello: Okay—-but one thing at a time!
Next, Ajax Plumbing Company
Pat McGeehan: [on telephone] Ajax Plumbing Company.
Lou Costello: Is this the plumber?
Pat McGeehan: No, this is the plumber’s friend.
Lou Costello: That’s alright-i’ll talk io you. I’m a plunger myself! Have you got a used bathtub down there?
Pat McGeehan: No, li haven’t! Why don’t you look in this morning’s paper?
Lou Costello: Why? Did somebody advertise a bathtub?
Pat McGeehan: No — but Dick Tracy is in a terrible mess!
Mr. Kitzel’s Swap Shop
Artie Auerbach: [fades in[ hi-yi-o rancho grande, at swapping i am dandy! Yahoo –
(applause)
Bud Abbott: It’s our old friend Kitzel!
Artie Auerbach: Come right in gentlemen—welcome to Kitzel’s Ye Olde Swappee Shoppee! Could i interest you in a beautiful imported painting. It came all the way from Buffalo, Rome!
Lou Costello: Jusi a minute, kitzel… Buffalo is in New York! There is no Buffalo, Rome!
Artie Auerbach: You mean you never heard–[sings]
oh, give me a home
where the buffalo rome
Lou Costello: [joins in] where the deer and the antelope play -where seldom is heard an encouraging word and they break you on income tax day!
Bud Abbott: Oh, cut it out cut it out! Kitzel, have you got an old tub around here!
Artie Auerbach: Yes—but she’s busy doing my ironing!
You ought to get her to iron you, Kitzel, you’re all washed up!
Artie Auerbach: I’m all washed up! Ha-ha-ha — could be!
Antique bathtub
Bud Abbott: Listen Kitzel, Costello needs a bathtub for his new house! Do you happen to have one?
Artie Auerbach: Have i got a bathtub?? Gentlemen just step over here and gaze at this beautiful piece of merchandise. What a bathtub!
Lou Costello: You mean that broken down-thing! That tub must be a hundred years olde
Bud Abbott: Costello — how can you tell the age of a bathtub!
Lou Costello: I counted the rings around it!
Bud Abbott: Now, now Costello–that’s a very nice tub.
Lou Costello: Oh, yeah–look at those funny-looking legs on it!
Artie Auerbach: Pish-posh–funny looking legs – are you going to wash in it or dance with it? This tub is a genuine antique. It was handed down from the Revolutionary War!
Lou Costello: Wait a minute, Kitzel, there’s a big crack in the enamel!
Artie Auerbach: That crack proves that it’s an antique!
Lou Costello: How did it happen?
Artie Auerbach: George Washington slipped here! But don’t worry – the lady who owns the tub said she would have the crack fixed!
Lou Costello: Cemented?
Artie Auerbach: Of course cemented – or she wouldn’t have said it!
Lou Costello: Kitzel — I used to think that you were a dope — but I’ve changed my mind.
Artie Auerbach: What do you think of me now?
Lou Costello: You’re a full-fledged apprentice moron, junior grade!
Bud Abbott: Costello–we’re wasting time. How much do you want for the tub, kiizel?
Artie Auerbach: Fourteen dollars!
Lou Costello: I’ll give you eight!
Artie Auerbach: Eight dollars??? Eight dollars for this magnificent tub??? Why, i wouldn’t even sell it to my own brother for eight dollars!
[door opens quickly]
Mel Blanc: [fast] I’ll give you eight dollars for the tub!
Artie Auerbach: [fast] No!
[door slams]
Bud Abbott: Who was that?
Artie Auerbach: My brother.
Songs
- Freddie Rich and his orchestra play “Don’t Fence Me In – the “wonderful show tune sung by Roy Rogers and the Andrews Sisters in ‘Hollywood Canteen‘.
- Connie Haines sings, “Waiting“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello. Here, he’s also Mr. Fawcett at the OPA, who’s trying to keep Lou from getting a bathtub for his new house.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. Here she’s the lady.at the OPA..
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – the barber that Bud takes Lou to — for a close shave!
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – who laughs at the idea of selling Lou a used bathtub.
- Pat McGeehan – at the Ajax Plumbing Company. Also the police officer who pulls Bud and Lou over as they’re driving the bathtub home on the roof of Lou’s car.