On the Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Frank Sinatra is this week’s guest star. And Lou’s jealous, until he learns that Sinatra’s also from his home state of New Jersey! Then they imagine what it would have been like if they all went to elementary school together …
Frank Sinatra – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Broadcast: March 1, 1945
Lou wants to sing
Bud Abbott: Costello, looks aren’t everything! Sinatra is very intelligent! He’s a college man! He has a sheepskin!
Lou Costello: Why don’t he wear a veil and nobody will notice it!
Bud Abbott: You should be very glad that Sinatra is coming here tonight! We may even persuade him to sing for us!
Lou Costello: abbott, if there’s gonna be any singint here tonight, i will do it! Not Sinatra!
Bud Abbott: But Costello … How can you compare yourself to Frank’? Sinatra has talent!
Lou Costello: I’ve got talent!
Bud Abbott: Sinatra appeals to women!
Lou Costello: I appeal to women!
Bud Abbott: Sinatra makes thirty thousand dollars a week!
Lou Costello: I appeal to women!
Frank Sinatra fan club
Bea Benaderet: I beg your pardon gentlemen . . .Which one of you is Sinatra?
Lou Costello: Abbott, I’ll bet this girl was sent in here by Tommy Dorsey!
Bea Benaderet: Just a minute, junior! You are addressing the president of the Pitkin Avenue branch of the Sam Sinatra Fan Club!
Bud Abbott: Madam, the name is Frank Sinatra!
Bea Benaderet: Not in Brooklyn, it ain’t. . . Do you know that in mine branch of the Sam Sinatra fan club we got over four hundred members not including the droops!
Bud Abbott: Who are the droops?
Lou Costello: That’s the men’s auxiliary!
Bea Benaderet: How dare you talk that way about Sinatra? (swoon) His voice really sends the girls!
Lou Costello: That’s nothing.,,my voice not only sends them, but it wraps ’em up, crates ’em, and delivers ’em riight to the door!
Frank Sinatra’s special microphone
Mel Blanc: Evenings gentlemen, I have a special microphone for Mr. Sinatra,
Lou Costello: What ‘s the matter with the microphone we got here?
Mel Blanc: it’s too wide
Bud Abbott: Oh, I see, you want Mr. Sinatra to be seen.
Lou Costello: That guy could hide behind a wire — i wonder what Sinatra does with his red points – everybody is allowed a little meat!
Mel Blanc: Here’s the special microphone. Now be careful of it.
Lou Costello: Wait a minute, Mr … l’d like to ask you a question.
Mel Blanc: What is it?
Lou Costello: When Sinatra sings, does he stand up?
Mel Blanc: Of course.
Lou Costello: Alone??
Mel Blanc: Yes, indeed. Now be sure not to break the handles off his microphone. Goodbye!
Frank Sinatra’s Nurse
Mary Todd: Good evening, I’m Mr. Sinatra’s nurse .
Lou Costello: You mean to say he is still got a nurse?
Bud Abbott: Costello … there’ss nothing unusual about that.
Mary Todd: Didn’t you ever have a nurse, young man?
Lou Costello: Yeah, but i let her go when i was six weeks old … And if she looked like you, I wouldn’t have waited that long!
Bud Abbott: Don’t mind Costello … What can we do for you, miss?
Mary Todd: Well, we always examine everybody who comes in contact with Mr. Sinatra …Now this little fat man here looks like he might provide a very good home for germs,
Lou Costello: You keep my relatives outta this.
Mary Todd: Open your mouth, please. Say aaah.
Lou Costello: Aaah.
Mary Todd: A little wider, please .
Lou Costello: Aaah.
Mary Todd: Wider …
Lou Costello: (louder) Aaah.
Mary Todd: Wider!
Lou Costello: Wipe your feet off before you come in!
Elementary School – Who and Watt
Lou Costello: Okay … (aside) Hey, Abbott, i got a very tough question here in my homework. Who invented the steam engine?
Bud Abbott: No. Watt invented the steam engine.
Lou Costello: What?
Bud Abbott: That’s correct.
Lou Costello: What’s correct?
Bud Abbott: certainly.
Lou Costello: Look, all i said was, who invented the steam engine?
Bud Abbott: And I’m telling you who didn’t invent the steam engine.
Lou Costello: I don’t wanna know who didn’t invent it … I want to know Who did.
Bud Abbott: Watt,
Lou Costello: Here we go again. Look, I asked you who invented the steam engine, right?
Bud Abbott: No. Wright invented the aeroplane . Watt invented the steam engine,
Lou Costello: What’s on second?
Elvia Allman: Abbott, Costello, what are you two boys doing?
Elvia Allman: We’re breaking in a new routine …
Songs
- Freddie Rich and the orchestra play “Begin the Beguine“
- Connie Haines sings “My Heart Sings“
- Frank Sinatra sings “If You Are But A Dream“
- Frank Sinatra and Lou Costello sing a duet (sort of) – “One Meatball“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Frank Sinatra – this week’s guest star, at the time a singing sensation.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend. And an old acquaintance of Frank Sinatra, both in real life & the show.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. In the imaginary flashback, she plays their elementary school teacher, Miss Picklemeyer.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – the man delivering Frank Sinatra’s special microphone. Also announcing Sinatra’s arrival, etc.
- Mabel Todd (The Ghost and the Guest) – Frank Sinatra’s nurse.
- Bea Benaderet: (Petticoat Junction) – president of the Pitkin Avenue branch of the Sam Sinatra Fan Club