Lou Costello needs a Father’s Day gift for his father, so he and Bud Abbott head to the department store. That pillow up there? It’s down. Lou wants to buy a vest for him, and the world’s greatest authority on men’s clothing, Professor Melonhead, wants to help!
Father’s Day Gift – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, broadcast June 14, 1945
Bud Abbott: And now Costello, tell me… What was all the excitement at your house last night?
Lou Costello: Oh we had an accident Abbott, my father swallowed a half dollar!
Bud Abbott: Swallowed a half-a-dollar! Well did you call a doctor and try to get it out of him?
Lou Costello: No, we wanted to be nice to him!
Bud Abbott: Nice to him!
Lou Costello: Sure, Sunday is Father’s Day, so we figured we’d let him keep it.
Bud Abbott: What a family ….Is that all your poor dad is going io get for fathers day?
Lou Costello: Oh no!
Bud Abbott: Well, what is he going to get for Father’s Day?
Lou Costello: The bills from Mother’s Day!
Taxi ride to the department store
Bud Abbott: Never mind her, Costello. Let’s go down to the department store and get a Father’s Day present for your dad. Come on, there’s a taxi – cali him.
Lou Costello: Oh, taxi, taxi! Say, cabbie, are you engaged?
Mel Blanc: No, but i’m going steady! (tough) okay, okay! Hop in and i’ll take you down to the department store so you can get a present for your father!
Lou Costello: Say, how did you know we were gonna go there?
Mel Blanc: I goi a script, too!
Lou Costello: (mad) if your father wasn’t my landlord I’d fire you off this show tonight!
Mel Blanc: Oh yeah?
Lou Costello: And if i wasn’t bigger than you i’d punch you right in the nose!
Mel Blanc: It so happens that i am bigger than you!
Lou Costello: That’s a better reason!
Telegram for Lou Costello!
Mel Blanc: I beg your pardon fatty box (hic) aren’t you Lou Costello?
Lou Costello: Yeah, that’s me.
Mel Blanc: Well, i been followin’ you all around this store (hic) i got a very important message for you (hic) it’s a special deliv (hic) a special deliv (hic) a special deliv (hick)
Lou Costello: A special delivery?
Mel Blanc: No! A telegram!… (hic) and it’s fifty cents collect!
Lou Costello: O. K. Here’s the fifty cents!
Mel Blanc: Thanks! (hic) I’ll sing it to you! (hic) (sings) Happy Father’s Day to you … Happy Father’s Day to you … Happy Father’s Day Lou Costell … (hic) Lou Costell … (hic)
Lou Costello: Lou Costello?
Mel Blanc: No, Bud Abbott!
Lou Costello: Who sent that telegram?
Mel Blanc: (hic) I did!
Lou Costello: Well, in the first place it isn’t Father’s Day, and in the second place, you don’t even know me!
Mel Blanc: That’s right! (hic) But can you think of a better way to make half a buck? … So long, you chubby little rascal!
At the department store – notions counter
Lou Costello: Yeah, and that girl behind the counter is beeeuitefull! Oh say gorgeous, have you goi any notions?
Connie Haines: (fast) No! And if youall got any you’d better get rid of ’em! My father is the score detective! He’s six feet five, he weighs two hundred and seventy pounds! Yesterday a fresh guy like you flirted with me and my daddy bashed his head in! Now what do you want, gloves, socks or handkerchiefs?
Lou Costello: (weakly) I’ll, take an aspirin.
That pillow up there is down
Bud Abbott: Oh look Costello, there is something that would be very nice for your father — a nice soft pillow filled up with down!
Lou Costello: Up with down?
Bud Abbott: Certainly.. You see that pillow up there? That’s down!
Lou Costello: How can ii be down if it’s up there?
Bud Abbott: You dummy i’m not talking about where it is. I’m talking about what it is! The pillow is up but it’s down!
Lou Costello: It’s up but it’s down? Abbott, are we both looking at the same pillow?
Bud Abbott: Of course, that pillow up there!
Lou Costello: Then you admit that the pillow is up?
Bud Abbott: Certainly it’s up, but it’s down!
Lou Costello: Look Abbott, i been watching that pillow and it didn’t move! It’s still up there!
Bud Abbott: That”s right!
Lou Costello: But you just said it was down! How did it get down?
Bud Abbott: It didn’t get down, it is down. It’s always been down. That pillow is down even when it’s up!
Lou Costello: Abbott, one of us is nuts!
Down off a duck’s back
Bud Abbott: That pillow is down, Costello you get down off a duck’s back!
Lou Costello: That is a lie! I never or up on a duck’s back!
Bud Abbott: I didn’t say you got up on a duck’s back,..I said you get down off a duck’s back!
Lou Costello: How am i gonna get down if i don’t get up,
Bud Abbott: Listen you dummy, when i say the pillow is down i doni mean down like in the direction down, i mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down of a duck’s back, and thai kind of down can be up or down, and it’s still down!
Lou Costello: Oh, when you say the pillow is down, you don’t mean down like the dirbotion down, you mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck’s back, and that kind of down can be up or down, and it’s still down!
Bud Abbott: Now you got it!
Lou Costello: Now i got it?… i don’t even know what i’m talkin’ about!
Routines
- The pillow up there is down
Songs
- Bob Matthews and the Will Osbourne Orchestra sings, “There’s No You“
- Connie Haines sings “A Kiss Goodnight“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Will Osborne and his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend. Here, she’s also the voice of the lady working the notions counter at the department store.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – Ladies lingerie department model.
- Sid Fields – Professor of dreams, Dreamboat Melonhead
- Mel Blanc – taxi driver, as well as the drunk who “delivers” a telegram to Lou
- Pat McGeehan – Thanks to the Yank of the week.
- Lou Marcelle – Prince Albert commercial