Dorothy Lamour – Abbott and Costello Radio Show, originally broadcast February17, 1944. Abbott and Costello are auditioning a new lead actress for their next movie – Dorothy Lamour!
Bud Abbott – Mayor of Sherman Oaks
Lou Costello: Well„ good evening, Your Honor! How are you, Your Honor? How are you feeling, Your Honor : Greetings, Your Honor!
Bud Abbott: Costello, please don’t call me Your Honor around here!
Lou Costello: Don’t be so modest, Abbott! [announces] Ladies and gontlomen, I want you all to know that my old pal, Bud Abbott, has just been elected Mayor of Sherman, Oaks, California! So help me, this is no gag, it’s on the level, folks. Let’s give His Honor a big hand!
[applause] Speech! Speech! Come on Abbott, give us a speech!
Bud Abbott: [clears throat]
Lou Costello: That ‘s a little too short, Abbott, Make another that we’ll understand.
Bud Abbott: I didn’t start yet, Costello.
Lou Costello: Well, what are you waiting for? Go ahead – make a speeah:
Bud Abbott: Okay . Ladies and gentlemen …
Lou Costello: That’s all! Notice, the way he speaks, “ladies and gentlemen” – so fluently!
Lou Making fun of Sherman Oaks
Bud Abbott: Now, just a minute, Costello – I’m very proud to be Mayor of Sherman Oaks . It’s a beautiful little town,
Lou Costello: Yeah – I just drove through it on the way here. What’s that little green building next to the pool room?
Bud Abbott: That ‘s the city hall:
Lou Costello: Well, you’d better got out there right away – the rats are dragging it down the sewers. Bud Abbott: Costello, , are you insinuating that Sherman Oaks is a small town?
Lou Costello: Brother, that town is so small the motorcycle cop goes around on roller skates! And boy, is it a lonely place!
Bud Abbott: Lonely?
Lou Costello: You heard me, Abbott,. it’s so lonely out there the mosquitoes go around stinging each other! … But I like the way it’s laid out!
Bud Abbott: What .do you mean?
Lou Costello: A graveyard with lights!
Bud Abbott: All right, Costello – go ahead and laugh. . But wait until next week, I’m moving into the Mayor’s residence!
Lou Costello: The Mayor ‘s residence now there’s a lovely house! – Two rooms and a path! Not bath, path!
Bud Abbott: You wait until you see it next week! I’m going to have the most beautiful house in Sherman Oaks! I’m putting a wing on it!
Lou Costello: Why don’t you put two wings on it and fly it over to Glendale?
Bud Abbott: Oh, Costello, there is no sense discussing politics with you … You’re too ignorant!
Lou Costello: Ignorant? I’ll have you know that in my class at school, I was a moron!
Bud Abbott: A moron? Is that good?
Lou Costello: In my class it was excellent!
New Leading Lady
Bud Abbott: What we are ~. looking for is a loading lady:
Ken Niles: Well, why didn’t you say so! My beautiful wife would be wondorful f or the part ;
Lou Costello: Look, Niles ,we ‘re not making a horror picture!
Ken Niles: See here, Costello ~ I’ll have you know that my wife is a prize beauty. I stole her from Cary Grantl
Lou Costello: That oughta teach Grant to keep his stable door locked!
Alvia Allman: [fading in] I hoard that remark.
Bud Abbott: It’s Mrs, Niles!
Alvia Allman: I’ll have you know, Costello ., that I could be a star in pictures. Why, only 1,ast week a director told me that there is character, dignity., strength, and intelligence in my facel
Lou Costello: He mustive been reading between the lines!
Bud Abbott: Costello, that”s very unkind, Mrs . Niles has no lines in her face.
Lou Costello: Oh no? If she had a string on each ear, she’d look like a venetian blindt
Alvia Allman: OHHHH1 Costello, there’s only one reason why I don’t break you In two.
Lou Costello: What is it?
Alvia Allman: I couldn’t stand two of you!
Ken and Alvia
Ken Niles: Oh, you really told him that time, dear . You’re a card.
Alvia Allman: Oh no, Kenneth — you’re a card!
Ken Niles: Oh no, you’re a card!
Alvia Allman: I insist, Kenneth, you are a card!
Lou Costello: There’s a couple of old cards that oughta get lost in the shuffle
Bud Abbott: Quit arguing, Costello . Mrs . Niles may be just the leading lady we’re looking for .
Alvia Allman: Oh, thank you, Mr . Abbott, But you had better give me a contract at once, because two leading men are fighting over me right now .
Lou Costello: Who are they – Frankenstein and Dracula?
Alvia Allman: Why, you bloated blubberhead. – I could get hit by a truck and still be better looking than you!
Lou Costello: Not if I was driving the truck!
It’s the experience you need!
Bud Abbott: You’re the stunt man — to rescue Dorothy Lamour, you take my place and stop the runaway horse with your manly chest .
Lou Costello: I AIN’T STOPPIN’ NO HORSE WITH MY BEAUTIFUL BODY! Listen, Abbott, how much money do I get in this picture for riskin’ my life?
Bud Abbott: What do you care about the money? – it’s the experience you need!
Lou Costello: Ohh, so it I s the experience I need!
…
Lou Costello: Oh :yeah, I forgot — it’s the experience I need!
Bud Abbott: Let me continue;. And then, with a sigh of gratltude, Dorothy Lamour slips off -the horse into her hero’s armsl
Lou Costello: Gee — into my arms, Woooo!
Bud Abbott: [yelling] What do you mean, ‘your’ arms? I’m the hero! – and I bend down and kiss Miss Lamour tenderly!
Lou Costello: What’s the big idea, Abbott? I saved her, why can’t I kiss her?
Bud Abbott: But Costello, yout-re not being paid to kiss Dorothy Lamour!
Lou Costello: What do I care about money – IT’S THE EXPERIENCE I NEED!
Dorothy Lamour arrives
Dorothy Lamour: Well, hello, fellows. Sorry Ilm late.
Bud Abbott: Dorothy, what tock you so long to get here?
Dorothy Lamour: I rode over on one of Crosby’s horses :
Bud Abbott: Dorothy, you look beautiful tonight . You know, I’ve always been one of your pioture fans …
Lou Costello: And I …
Dorothy Lamour: Thank you, Bud – and l’ve always been one of your radio fans!
Lou Costello: And I …
Bud Abbott: Now that Ive met you I’ll be one of your personal fans ;
Lou Costello: Yeah, and I …
Dorothy Lamour: Now that I’ve met you, Bud, I’ll be one of your picture fans!
Lou Costello: IF YOU TWO DON’T STOP FANNIN’ EACH OTHER I’M GONNA GET PNEUMONIA!
Running through the script
Bud Abbott: Pay no attention to him Dotty . In this picture you and I are going to do a love scene . My name is Abe, and your name is Anna.
Dorothy Lamour: I see, Your Abe and I’m Anna!
Bud Abbott: Yes, We have a little fight and we split up …
Lou Costello: What a picture; A banana split!
Bud Abbott: Now stop that, Costello! Get out the script of our picture and let’s run through the Desert Scene with Miss Lamour …
Lou Costello: Okay. Abbott – here it is! Now, in this scene, Dotty, you’re an Arabian Princess, Ben Alley, And I’m your cousin, Bowling Alley!
Bud Abbott: You ‘re Bowling Alley?
Lou Costello: Yeah, If shels gonna wear a sarong – I wanna be her pin boy!
Lou Costello: Don ‘t worry, Princess., We’ll help you escape!
Dorothy Lamour: But it’s five hundred miles across tho desert. Do you have a car?
Lou Costello: Nope.
Dorothy Lamour: Do you have a jeep?
Lou Costello: Nope.
Dorothy Lamour: Well, do you have horses?
Lou Costello: No, but I gotta wagon.
Dorothy Lamour: But who ‘s going to pull the wagon???
Lou Costello: My little Pekinese dog :
Dorothy Lamour: [quickly, sharp] HOW CAN A LITTLE PEKINESE DOG PULL THE THREE OF US IN A BIG WAGON!
Lou Costello: WE’VE GOT WHIPS!
Movie references
- Dorothy Lamour references the movie she was then filming with Bob Hope & Bing Crosby, “Road to Utopia“