First Costello gets a tattoo of his girlfriend on his chest, goes girl crazy, goes to the beach, and gets psychoanalyzed by Sid Fields!
Costello Gets A Tattoo – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Broadcast June 7, 1945
Bud Abbott: My wife said she saw you in a tattoo parlor on main street this morning …What were you doing in a tattoo parlor?
Lou Costello: I got lonesome for my girl friend, Tessie Tinfoil, which is in the Army … So I had her picture tattooed on my back.
Bud Abbott: You had Tessie’s picture tattooed on your back?
Lou Costello: Yep, and I had me tattooed on my chest! Look!
Bud Abbott: Costello, i don it see you on your chest!
Lou Costello: Am I back there with Tessie again?!
Love and Marriage
Abbott: Are you insinuating that my wife’s face would stop a clock?
Costello: Well it ain’t runnin’ is it?
Abbott: Forget about the clock! Costello, what happened to your romance with that tall redheaded girl?
Costello: Oh you mean Lena Genster?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Oh, we’re married and happy!
Abbott: Married and happy??!!
Costello: Yep, she’s married and I’m happy!
Abbott: Well I’m glad she married somebody else … The only reason you wanted to marry her was for her money!
Costello: Well marryin’ for money is better than gettin’ married for no reason at all!
Abbott: Costello, when i married my wife, everyone said it was a perfect match!
Costello: Match is right! She struck you and you went out like a light!
Abbott: Well at least I’m not henpecked!
Costello: Not henpecked! Before you were married you used to snore in your sleep … Now you cackle!
Abbott: That is not true! Before I was married everything was lovely. I’d sneak into the parlor and I’d catch her in my arms.
Costello: Now, you sneak into the bedroom and catch her in your pockets!
Going to the beach …
Abbott: Say Costello, wouldn’t this be a dandy day to go to the beach?
Costello: Yeah : And if we had a telephone we could call up some girls … If we had a nickel ….And if we knew any girls!
Abbott: There you go again! .Girls, girls, girls! … Can’ t you think of’ anything better than girls?
Costello: There’s something better?
… with Connie Haines?
Abbott: Look Costello, there’ s Connie Haines … Why don’t you ask her if she’ d like to go to the beach.
Costello: O.K . . .( calls off) Oh Connie! … Say Connie, how would you like to go to the beach with me … Huh?
Connie: Well Mr. Costello honey, I don it know if I should … I suppose you all want to teach me to swim?
Costello: Oh, no, nothin’ like that!
Connie: And you all won’t try to hold my hand?
Costello: Gosh, you know me better than that, Connie .
Connie: And you all won’t hug me and kiss me?
Costello: Gee whillikers, I’ll promise I won’t.
Connie: Then what are we going for? Goodbye, Mr. Costello, honey …
Costello’s dreams analyzed
Abbott: Costello, I am convinced that your dreams are the cause of all your girl troubles, and we’ve got to find out what they mean!
Costello: Gee I wish we could, I really do!
Abbott: I’m glad you said that Costello, because we have with us tonight the world’ s greatest authority on dreams!
Sid Fields: Ah good evening gentlemen I am the world is greatest dream analyst … Professor Mellonhead … Known professionally as “dream boat” mellonhead!
Costello: Dream boat Mellonhead! It looks like somebody plucked all the feathers out of your crow’s nest l
Sid Fields: Young man are you trying to infer that my head is bald?
Costello: In fur! if ‘you put your head in fur it would look like an oversized moth ball! … Abbott get a load of that slippery dome! I’ve seen ostriches sittin’ on better lookin’ things than that! And you get results!
Abbott: Costello you shouldn’t make cracks about the professor’s head
Costello: If his head ever cracks, I’lll make an omelet out of it!
Songs
- Bob Matthews sings, “Just Say that I’m a Friend of Yours“
- Bob Matthews sings, “I Don’t Care Who Knows It“
- Connie Haines sings, “Sentimental Journey“
- Connie Haines sings “Good, Good,Good“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Will Osborne and his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – Angry at Lou for the way he behaved in her dream! Also, the middle aged woman at the beach whom Costello doesn’t rescue!
- Sid Fields – Professor of dreams, Dreamboat Melonhead
- Mel Blanc – drunk at the beach, feeding donuts to his horse
- Pat McGeehan – Thanks to the Yank of the week.
- Lou Marcelle – Prince Albert commercial