Lou Costello’s love life is a shambles, but he wants to date Connie Haines. But Bud Abbot’s going to make him attend charm school first! Then, tightwad Lou takes them to eat at The Ritz!
Charm School – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Broadcast: April 19, 1945
Lou Costello’s going girl crazy
Lou Costello: I don’t know, Abbott … I’m all mixed up … In my room I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling …
Bud Abbott: Yes?
Lou Costello: And on my dresser, i got a picture of Rita Hayworth … On the walls i got two pictures of Betty Grable … And under my pillow i got a picture of Dorothy Lamour in her sarong, and i think I’m goin’ nuts!
Bud Abbott: Why?
Lou Costello: All night long i keep dreamin’ of Gene Autry’s horse!
Uncle Artie Stebbins’ divorce
Lou Costello: Oh, I was there to see my uncle Artie Stebbins get his divorce!
Bud Abbott: Was it an interesting divorce trial?
Lou Costello: : Sure, the judge said: “Mr . Stebbins, iim granting you a divorce, and i f m going to give your wife thirty-five dollars a week!”
Bud Abbott: What did artie say to that?
Lou Costello: He said: “That’s mighty nice of you judge … and I’ll try to slip her a buck now and then myself!
Bud Abbott: That’s ridiculous! … What were the grounds for the divorce?
Lou Costello: Misrepresentation! She said that before they were married, Uncle Artie told her he was well off!
Bud Abbott: Well, was he ?
Lou Costello: He was, but he didn’t know it!
Bud Abbott: She must have had better grounds than that … What else did she claim?
Lou Costello: She wanted to get rid of him ’cause he was always getting indifferent.
Bud Abbott: Artie was getting indifferent?
Lou Costello: Yep, he was getting in different girls’ apartments every night!
Bud Abbott: Oh stop that nonsense.
Lou Costello: I’m glad I went to the trial Abbott … I found out what causes a hundred percent of the divorce cases!
Bud Abbott: So you think you know what causes all the divorces?
Lou Costello: Yes.
Bud Abbott: What?
Lou Costello: Marriage!
Bud Abbott: You know nothing about marriage, Costello. . .Marriage is a great institution.
Lou Costello: Yeah, but who wants to live in an institution?
Bud Abbott: Costello, marriage is wonderful.
Lou Costello: Yeah, marriage is like a three ring circus!
Bud Abbott: A three ring circus?
Lou Costello: Engagement ring, marriage ring, and suffer-ring!
Professor Melonhead’s Charm School
Sid Fields: Ah! Welcome to my school gentlemen, I am Professor Melonhead … I teach charm!
Lou Costello: Abbott, get me outta here! This guy couldn’t charm a snake!
Bud Abbott: Quiet Costello!
Sid Fields: Young man, I’ll have you know that i teach charm!
Lou Costello: With that head you should be teaching billiards … Hand me a cue, Abbott, and I’ll run snooker with his dome!
Bud Abbott: Take it easy Costello… Professor Melonhead is an expert on etiquette!
Lou Costello: I know he et-a-ket!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean?
Lou Costello: You can see he et-a-ket. He’s still got the tail on his upper lip!
Sid Fields: You obese buffoon! … My high forehead denotes intelligence! That’s where I shine!
Lou Costello: Well why don’t you take some of the shine off your head and put it on your shoes! … From behind, your skull looks like an empty parking lot!
Waiting for Connie Haines at The Ritz
Lou Costello: Hey, abbott, wha t are we doing up here a t this joint?
Bud Abbott: Costello, I’ve made a date with Connie Haines to meet us here … And this is not a joint. It’s The Ritz … a very high class night club. .
Lou Costello: Abbott, this place is a fake… They got a sign over the bar tha t says, “ladies served here”.
Bud Abbott: Well?
Lou Costello: Well, I went over to the bar and ordered a lady — and they threw me out!
Bud Abbott: Costello, I’ve met a lot of morons in my times but you’re head and shoulders above all of them.
Lou Costello: Abbott, you must have met a bunch of short morons!
Can’t pay the check?
[Due to Lou’s cheapskate tipping the head waiter with only 5 cents, they’re given the worst possible seats — by the city limits! They’re so far from the entrance, that Connie sends them a telegram]
She says: …Dear Mr. Costello: … Just arrived here at the club … Am on my way to your table … expect to be there within the next hour.
Murray Leonard: Here you are gentlemen. . .I thought maybe youid like to pay your check.
Lou Costello: (whispering) (weakly) How much is the check, Abbott?
Bud Abbott: Eighty-three dollars!
Lou Costello: (weakly) eighty-three dollars? … And i only got four bucks! … And that other guy Lou Costello: sixty cents short, and look what they did to him … Abbott, we gotta do something quick!
Bud Abbott: (whispering) costello, this is your party, and youill have to get out of it the best way you can!
Lou Costello: (whispering) i got an idea. . .You offer to pay the check and iill give you an argument
Bud Abbott: O.K. I got ya! (up) Costello, I’ll pay the check.
Lou Costello: No, no, Abbott … I couldn’t think of letting you pay the check.,
Bud Abbott: But i insist on paying the check.
Lou Costello: You’re not going to pay this check … I’m going to pay it myself.
Bud Abbott: I wish you’d let me pay it,
Murray Leonard: (tough) Well,, somebody better pay it!
Lou Costello: Mr. Waiter, does it make any difference to you who pays the check?
Murray Leonard: It don’t make any difference to me! … I don it care who pays it.
Lou Costello: Okay then, pay it yourself! … Come on Abbott, let’s get outta here!
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Will Osborne and his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Sid Fields – he runs Professor Melonhead’s charm school.
- Mel Blanc – head waiter at The Ritz. Also the inebriated customer who gets beaten and thrown out of The Ritz for being 40 cents short!
- Elvia Allman – plays the part of two potential girlfriends for Lou – Emma Fiddlebuster, as well as Mademoiselle Zing Zing.
- Pat McGeehan – Thanks to the Yank of the week.
- Murray Leonard – the waiter at The Ritz.
Songs
- Connie Haines sings “Freddie Martin’s latest composition”, “Hubba Hubba Hoy“.
- Will Osborne plays an arrangement of “Candy“