Blondie and Dagwood, Lost Script – Abbott and Costello radio – originally broadcast March 2, 1944
Blondie and Dagwood, Lost Script – Mayor Bud Abbott is trying to do a paper drive during World War II. But when Blondie and Dagwood do their part, they accidentally recycle this week’s radio show script!
Blondie and Dagwood had their own successful radio program in the 1940’s, as well as a series of over two dozen Blondie movies!
Lou’s late again
Lou Costello: HEY, ABBOTT-T-T-T-T!
Bud Abbott: Oh there you are Costello. – Why are you lato this time? Where have you been.?
Lou Costello: Oh boy, Abbott – I just got back from the Naval Base at San Diego! I got a message of great importanco from all the sallors to avery woman and girl in this audienco.
Bud Abbott: What Is it?
Lou Costello: [loud flirting ‘wolf’ whistle]
Bud Abbott: Shut up, Costollo! What were you doing down at the Naval Base?
Lou Costello: I was helping them launch a submarine, and they gave me the most Important job on the boat!
Bud Abbott: Really? What was it?
Lou Costello: When the sailors got the submarine ready to dive – I ran Forward and held its nose!
Bud Abbott: Then what happened?
Lou Costello: Down we went, Abbott – sixty foot of water. Whon we got down to the bottom, I hopped off and took a walk!
Bud Abbott: You took a walk in sixty foet of water??
Lou Costello: Why not, I had my rubbers onl!
Paper drive
Bud Abbott: Never mind all this – wolve got important work to do. The governmont has started a national waste paper drive, and as Mayor of Sherman Oaks, I moan to collect every scrap of paper in this town!
Lou Costello: I gave all of my paper, Abbott – I even rippod the paper off walls. Then I repapered the walls with the rolls of music from the player piano!
Bud Abbott: You covered the walls with the player piano rolls? That’s fine!
Lou Costello: Fine nothin’! Now overytime I snooze the walls play mairzy doats!
Enter Blondie and Dagwood
Dagwood: [reciting] Bonds and bombs will beat the Axis,
So be sure to pay your income taxes;
Save your old tin cans, your iron and lead,
And give all your waste paper to Dagwood Bumstead”
Bud Abbott: Costello, It’s Dagwood! Where’s Blondie, Dagwood?
Dagwood: Oh, she’s out in the car – I’ll call her [yelling] BLONDIE! [audience applause]
Blondie: I’m coming, Dagwood, I — Oh, hello, Mr. Costello, Mayor Abbott. Dagwood and I are helping Mrs. Niles with the waste paper drive!
Lou Costello: Well, the first thing you oughta throw in is the paper that poem was written on!….Hey, Dagwood, did you make up that poem yourself, or did some other jerk help you?
Dagwood: Oh no, I made it up myself – you had nothin’ to do with it!
Lou Costello: Just a minute, Deadwood…!
Dagwood: Deadwood?
Lou Costello: Er I mean Driftwood!
Bud Abbott: Yes, Blondie – it’s all collected. Costello, carry that old burlap sack out to the truck!
Lou Costello: Okay…
Mrs. Niles: [yelping] COSTELLO, YOU PUT ME DOWN!
Where’s the script?
Bud Abbott: Well, come on, Costello – we’ve got to got down to the studio for our broadcast. Where is our script for tonight?
Lou Costello: I got It right here and – ABBOTT! THE SCRIPT IS GONE!
Bud Abbott: IT WAS RIGHI HERE A MINUTE AGO! Do you suppose they took It with the waste paper???
Lou Costello: Yeah! Hey, Abbott, we gotta catch that Dagwood Bedspread! ….OUTTA MY WAY, ABBOTT ,. I MOVE VERY FASTS HERE I COME!
[SAME EFFECT AS ABOVE, BUT ENDING WITH LOUD DOOR CRASH]
Lou Costello: owwww
Bud Abbott: [quickly] Costello, you’re supposed to open the door!
Lou Costello: NOW HE TELLS ME!
Trying to find the script
Lou Costello: Yeah – STEP ASIDE, ALEXANDER, I MOVE, PRETTY FAST!!
Bud Abbott: Out of the way, Alexander – he’s coming through!
[SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, AND LOUD CRASH OF DOOR:]
Lou Costello: [disgusted] I don’t know how that Dagwood does it – he gets through every time!
Bud Abbott: Hurry up, Costello, we’ve got to cross the street while the light is green.
Lou Costello: [calling] Abbott, wait. for me!
Irish Cop: [POLICE WHISTLE] Hey you – fat boy! Get back there on the curb!
Lou Costello: But Officer —
Irish Cop: Don’t but me! What d’ye think the traffic lights are for?
Lou Costello: The red light is the signal for the pedestrians to cross the street!
Irish Cop: [sarcastic] Oh, the red light is, is it! Then tell me, what’s the green light for?
Lou Costello: That’s the signal for the automobiles to cross the pedestrians!
Irish Cop: Oh, a wise guy! Well don’t try to cross the street again until y’ got the green light and I blow me whistle twice! or I’ll give ya a ticket for jaywalkin’!
The script is lost? What to do now?
Bud Abbott:Blondie, when you took that waste paper out of our house, you must’ve taken our radio script, too. We’re due on the air any second! Maybe our papers are on that truck!
Blondie: No, that load was sent out on the train hours ago! See what you did, Dagwood – now what are Abbott and Costello going to do on the air tonight?
Dagwood: Gee, Blondie, maybe I can help them out. My whole family was good at making jokes!
Lou Costello: They certainly did all right with you
Blondie: Just a minute, boys – I’ve got a great Ideal I’ve got something here in my purse – It’s a school play that Little Alexander wrote. You can do it on the air – I’m sure Alexander would give you the rights.
Lou Costello: I’d Ilke to give Alexander the rights and a couple of good lefts …
Bud Abbott: Walt a minute, Costello, this might be just what we need!
Dagwood: Yeah, yeah- it’s a dandy play . all about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,
Lou Costello: And I know just the part I’m gonna play:
Dagwood: So do I. Come on — Dopey!
Radio play – Snow White
Ken Niles: We present tonight, an episode from Snow White and tho Seven Dwarfs, entitled “THE SEVEN SWARFS SAT ON THE WAGON, ” or “THE SURREY WITH THE SHRIMPS ON TOP!” As the scene opens, The Princess is Galling to her Prince …
Blondie: Oh, Prince? Oh, Prince Here Prince! [whistles] Come Prince. Come Prince!
[door opens]
Lou Costello: Here I am Princess. I have come to save you from your cruel stepmother. I have just arrived by Greyhound, [barks]
Blondie: What’s that?
Lou Costello: My dogs are tired! … Ah, my lovely Princess, lot me smother you with kisses.
[loud kisses]
Blondie: Oh, Prince! [giggles]
Dagwood: BLONDIE! What’s going on? He’s klssing you!
Blondie: Oh, Dagwood – this is just a play!
Dagwood: Yeh — but he isn’t playing!
Bud Abbott: Dagwood you’re not supposed to talk now. You represent the forest, You play the part of a tree.
Dagwood: What part?
Lou Costello: The sap!
Bud Abbott: Never mind that. Costello, go on with the play.
Blondie: Dagwood, In this play, Mister Costello is my brave, bold knight.
Dagwood: But I thought knights were big, tall fellas!
Lou Costello: This is spring and the nights are getting shorter!
Bud Abbott: Costello, will you read your next line?
Lou Costello: My fair Princess, what brings these tears to your lovely eyes?
The wicked queen arrives
Bud Abbott: Hark! Hark! Princess. The queen, your wicked stepmother approaches!
Blondie: But how did she get across the moat!
Lou Costello: She must have caught the guard with his bridges down!
[music: racetrack bugle call]
Bud Abbott: Here comes the Queen now!
Lou Costello: Win, place on show?
Mrs. Niles:[falsely] Ah, good morning my little Princess, I have brought you a nice red apple.
Dagwood: Blondie – don’t eat that apple! It’s poison!
Blondie: How do you know?
Dagwood: I’m reading on the next page! Had Ha! Ha!
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Arthur Lake as Dagwood – clownish loving husband and father from the radio & movie series, Blondie!
- Penny Singleton as Blondie – Dagwood’s wife, Alexander’s mother, and a lovely young woman. Which Lou takes advantage of in the Snow White sketch!
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist. This week she does double duty as the Evil Queen in the Snow White sketch.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – this week, several short bits, including the police officer who tries to arrest Lou for crossing the street against the light!
- Margaret Brayton (A Date with Margie) The nice lady who interrupts Lou crossing the street — and getting him in trouble with Irish cop Mel Blanc!
Songs
- Connie Haines sings “Take It Easy“
- Freddie Rich and the orchestra do a short bit from “Buffalo Gals“