Basic Training – Broadcast live from the Davis Monthan Air Base, in Tucson, Arizona. Bud and Lou joke about life in the military, Benny Rubin sells Lou a very restrictive mortgage for a new home, and Lou has a fantasy about how “easy” life in the Air Force would be!
Basic Training – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, March 22, 1945
Grand Canyon
Bud Abbott: Costello, let’s forget the whole thing … Now, while youire here in Arizona why don’t you take advantage of the beauties of the desert!
Lou Costello: I tried that this morning abbott and one of them slapped me right in the puss!
Bud Abbott: I’m not talking about girls! I mean the beauties of nature … You should go and see the grand canyon!
Lou Costello: That grand canyon is a fake!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean the grand canyon is a fake?
Lou Costello: I went out to look at it yesterday and there’s nothing there but a big hole! …They must have moved it some place else!
Bud Abbott: I am going to visit the grand canyon tomorrow. I’m going right up to the edge of the canyon! I’m going right up to the edge of the canyon!
Lou Costello: Abbott be careful you don’t fall off … But if you do fall be sure and look to the left … You’ll never see a sight like that again!
Indian Moccasins
Bud Abbott: Talk sense Costello … Did you meet any Indians on the desert?
Lou Costello: Oh sure l . . .You knovv i’m an old indian fighter!
Bud Abbott: Well, why aren’t you fighting?
Lou Costello: I can’t find any old indians!
Benny Rubin: Ugh; me indian … Me selling moccasins … Me Sitting Bull!
Lou Costello: If you’re Sitting Bull why are you standing up?
Benny Rubin: Me on vacation!
Bud Abbott: Mister Bull, i’ll take a pair of those moccasins for Costello.
Benny Rubin: Ugh! Good! Here!
Lou Costello: Hey wait a minute … These. Moccasins are kinda small, ain’t you got a size ten?
Benny Rubin: (dialect) What am i, Florsheim? … I’m only an Indian!
Friendly Credit Finance Company
Benny Rubin: Good evening, gentlemen. I’m from the Friendly Credit Finance Company. My name is Hawk — Tommy Hawk.
Lou Costello: I think I spoke to your brother, Moe Hawk .
Benny Rubin: Of course. Now, Mr. Costello, our company makes a practice of’ examining all applicants for loans, if I’m not being too inquisitive. I have absolute faith and confidence in your honesty .
Lou Costello: See that, Abbott? They trust me.
Benny Rubin: Now, mr. Costello, kindly press your fingerprints on this pad. … I’ll check with Washington later after we take a sample of’ your blood.
Lou Costello: You’re gonna take my blood?
Benny Rubin: Just a couple of quarts. We return it after the loan is paid up.
At the Air Force Base
Bud Abbott: Well, Costello, how do you like this bunch of’ airmen here at Davis Monthan air base?
Lou Costello: They’re wonderful, Abbott, and so polite! I walked all through the camp with Connie Haines and not one guy whistled at her.
Bud Abbott: Ah, ah, I don’t believe that!
Lou Costello: Well you can ask the Colonel! He was with us!
Lou Costello: And another thing, Abbott, these guys don’t pay no attention to the N.W. twelve o’clock curfew … They break it all the time!
Bud Abbott: They do?
Lou Costello: Sure, curfew or no curfew, they go to bed at ten o’clock!
Bud Abbott: You found that out, too?
Lou Costello: Sure, and I also found out why they call these guys buck privates.
Bud Abbott: You did.
Lou Costello: Yeah, I was out with five of ’em last night and there wasn’t a buck between them!
Bud Abbott: You’re certainly learning a lot about the Army … tell me, do you know what the highest rank is?
Lou Costello: P.F.C .
Bud Abbott: P.F .C . Is not the highest rank!
Lou Costello: Well, it’s as high as you can go and still have friends .
Bud Abbott: Talk sense, Costello! By the way didn’t your girlfriend Ruby Poolcue join some branch of the service?
Lou Costello: Sure Abbott, Ruby is a sailor!
Bud Abbott: I think you mean she is a wave!
Lou Costello: No! Ruby’s a sailor! She’s on a boat!
Bud Abbott: Costello, that’s impossible … they don’t allow women on those boats … Suppose someone found out?
Lou Costello: Who’s gonna tell?
Lou Costello’s dream about being in the Air Force
Connie Haines: (coming on) Good mawnin’ private Costello …
Lou Costello: Who are you?
Connie Haines: Ah’m the colonel’s daughter .
Lou Costello: ( sotto ) what a spot for a traveling salesman! (up ) Well, I’m pleased to meet you… How’s your old man?
Connie Haines: He is just fine. , .He was so excited when he found out yo’ all was assigned here. He just loves comical fellows.
Connie Haines: Well i’ m glad to hear the gemral likes me and you’re a pietty sweet kid yourseli’ . . .Tell your old man iill put in a good word for him with the draft board. I just got an offer from the navy.
Connie Haines: Thanks private costello. .,and daddy says to tell you that .He’ s goin’ to, if yo’ all live through the basic training, see to it personally that yo’ all get r ight into the thick of the i’ightint right away!
Lou Costello: Aw he don’t have to do that . . . (take) heyi wait a minutei where do you think he’ll send me?
Connie Haines: I dontt know exactly.… But he did mention Tokyo!
Lou Costello: Tokyo? ….Are you kiddin’ !? Iim liable to get iurt over there! They’re double crossers,they’re using real bullets!
Connie Haines: You Dcn’t have to worry, Private Costello .. . .Daddy says the minute you land in Japan..he’ s gonna declare you an open city!
Lou Costello: Gee, thanks honey chile i knew … (take ) what! say … theim japs don’t live up to no rules of war . . .They don’ t recognize no open city … I’m liable to be bombed!
Connie Haines: That’s what daddy thinks too! … (fading off ) good byyyy …
Costello’s dream – military police
Ken Niles: (tough) hey, you! Aren’t you Private Costello?
Lou Costello: Yeah … that’s me .
Ken Niles: (tough) Well I’m an M.P. And you haven’t reported for duty in fifteen days!
Lou Costello: Yeah … Well what are you gonna d0 about it?
Ken Niles: Oh, nothing … We just missed you that’s all!
Music
- Freddie Rich with a hit song from “Bloomer Girl”– “Evalina“.
- Connie Haines sings “Sunny Side of the Street“.
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend. In Lou’s dream, she plays the part of the Colonel’s daughter as well.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello. In the dream, he’s one of the soldiers at the base.
- Pat McGeehan – in the dream, the colonel at the Air Force base.
- Benny Rubin – the Indian (Native American) selling moccasins in the desert. Also, Tommy Hawk from the Friendly Credit Finance Company.