At The Circus – Abbott and Costello Radio Show, with Sally Eilers and Alan Hale
At The Circus
Broadcast: 16th March 1944
At the Circus – Abbott & Costello radio show – originally broadcast March 16, 1944. Bud and Lou agree to help out at a charity circus. Manager Sally Eilers tries to get Costello to use his head as a baseball target, Lou refuses. but agrees to a wrestling match with Abbott. But Alan Haie surprises Lou by taking Bud’s place!
Circus coming to town
Bud Abbott: What’s all the excitement?
Lou Costello: The big circus just came to town and I’ve been out watching the parade! What a paraded First came the elephants, after them came the clowns, and after the clowns came the beautiful Lady Godiva on a big white horse.
Bud Abbott: What came after Lady Godiva?
Lou Costello: Me and every sailor in California!
Costello and the circus
Lou Costello: But I can’t forgot the circus, Abbott. I come from a family of circus peoplo. My Unclo Rollo was the world’s greatest tightrope walker – until he broke his neckl
Bud Abbott: How did he break his neck?
Lou Costello: One night ho was tight and the rope wasn’t. I had another uncle who was six feet tall. He used to stick his head in a lion’s mouthe
Bud Abbott: What’s his name?
Lou Costello: Now, we call him shorty.
Lou Costello: What fun I used to have in the sideshow. I always used to tickle the tattooed lady with a feather!
Bud Abbott: You tickled the tattooed lady? What for?
Lou Costello: TO SEE MOVING PICTURES!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello, – Just what ald you do at the circus?
Lou Costello: I used to train wild zebras!
Bud Abbott: You trained zebras! Don’t make me laught you don’t even know what a zebra is!
Lou Costello: Who don’t? A zebra is a black horse with venetian blinds!
Charity Circus
Ken Niles: Indeed I did, Bud. I know all about that circus. In fact,my lovely wife helped bring the circus to Hollywood!
Lou Costello: What did she do – pull one of the wagons?
Ken Niles: Now look here, Costello – you can’t compare my wife to a horsa.
Lou Costello: You’re right – her ears are too long!
Bud Abbott: Well, I don’t know oxactly what’I can do, Mrs. Nilos – but Costello, hero, was just telling me that he used to be with a circus!
Mrs. Niles: Costello with a circus? Ha ha! What cage was he in?
Lou Costello: I was in with the … I wasn’t in a cage! I managed the great Minestrone! He was the greatest high diver in the world! He used to dive five hundred feet from the top of the tent into a pail of water!
Mrs. Niles: Dive flve hundred feet into a pall of water? NOBODY CAN DO THAT!
Lou Costello: HE DID IT ONCE!
Lou Costello: Abbott, I’m the best trick rider you over saw. One time, in a cirous, I rode two horses standing up – one foot on one horse, and one foot on the other horso.
Bud Abbott: What happened.
Lou Costello: Suddenly an elephant came between us. One horse went one way, and one horse went the other way!
Bud Abbott: Ha, had I’ll bet that was a laugh!.
Lou Costello: LAUGH! I THOUGHT I’D SPLIT!!
At the charity circus
Lou Costello: Geo, hello, Sally — my name’s Iou Costello!
Sally Eilers: Don’t worry – It could happen to anybody do.. You follows are just in time. The show’s about to go on, and our lion tamer quit!
Bud Abbott: Costello, do you know anything about lions?
Lou Costello: Sure – one time I went llon huntin’ In Africa with my brother – and I brought back a stuffed lion.
Sally Eilers: What was the lion stuffed with?
Lou Costello: My brother! .. You ain’t gettin’ me in a cage with no lions!
Sally Eilers: But you don’t have to be afraid of this lion – he was raised on milk.
Lou Costello: So was I — but I eat meat now! … when I can get it.
Sally Eilers: But this lion has no teeth!
Lou Costello: No, but he could gum me to death!
Baseball carnival game
Sally Eilers: Well, Bud, you and I will stand out at the counter and sell these baseballs, and Costello, you stick your head through that hole In the canvass!
Lou Costello: What am I gonna see through that hole?
Sally Eilers: Well, you might see some – er – big stars!
Lou Costello: You mean like Ginger Rogers and Lana Turner???
Sally Eilers: No, more lIke Jupiter and Mars!
Sally Eilers: Nonsense! When you see the ball coming, Costello, you duck!
Lou Costello: Yeah, but suppose I forget to duck!
Sally Eilers: Oh, we’ve taken care of that – we furnish you with a safety cap. If a ball hits you, It bounces off the cap..
Lou Costello: Yah, but did you ever consider what makes the ball bounce off the little cap? – MY HEAD! I QUIT!
Sally Eilers: Don’t be silly, you can’t get hurt!
Lou Costello: Oh no? What happened to the guy who had this job before I took It?
Sally Eilers: Oh, here he comes now – step aside and let the stretcher byl
Lou Costello: STRETCHER! ABBOTT! — I wanna ask this guy on the stretcher a question. Hey Buddy, did those b-baseballs hurt you? How does your littlehead feel?
Mel Blanc: [sweetly] Oh, my head feels fine. In fact, I feel absolutely normal. I’m so glad you came to see me, Miss Lamarr !.
Lou Costello: THAT’S ALL I WANNA KNOW LEMME, OUTTA HERE!
Wrestling match instead?
Bud Abbott: Walt a minute, I’ve got an Idea — they’ll announce that you’ll wrestle anybody, thon I’ll jump into the ring first and we’ll pretend to wrestle! That’s all there Is to it!
Lou Costello: I got a better idea, Abbott — why can’t I wrestle Sally Eilers???
Sally Eilers: But Lou, that’s silly – boys don’t wrestle with girls!
Lou Costello: SHE’S SO YOUNG!
Sally Eilers: Oh, Bud . Bud Abbott, I’ve got some wonderful news for you. Welve got a great opponent for Costello to wrestle. I want you to meet … Alan Hale! [applause]
Alan Hale: Well, hello, Bud – where’s that little meatball partner of yours? I want to bounce ‘im around a little! [laughs]
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, Alan – Costello expects to wrestle me!
Alan Hale: Oh no ~ he’s my pigeon! I’m collocting waste fat!
Bud Abbott: Gee, Alan, I don’t think Costello’s In good shape!
Alan Hale: Don’t worry, I’ll straighten him out! I think I’ll go in and take a look at the body, but don’t let on that I’m wrestling him – I want It to come as a pleasant surprise!
[door opens]
Sally Eilers: Oh Lou – a friend of yours wants to say hello to you – Alan Hale!
Lou Costello: [happy] Hello, Alan old boy – did you come over here to watch me wrestle!
Alan Hale: Watch you? Why, Costello, I want you to feel that I’ll bo in there with you every minute!
Alan Hale’s surprise
Alan Hale: Abbott’s no match for you! Come on, Costello, I’m going to slam you on that canvas, step on your gizzard, and hit you on the head so hard you’ll be wearing your socks for a turtle-neck sweater!
Lou Costello: OН УЕАННИНІ
Alan Hale: YEAHHHH!
Lou Costello: AND FURTHERMORE, I THINK YOU CAN DO ITI
John Brown: Come, come boys – let’s got on with this wrestling match! I’m the referee – and as the referee, there’s one thing I Insist on, a olean fight. I want a clean fight!
Alan Hale: AND I WANT A CLEAN FIGHT!
They why don’t you guys fight? I get kinda dirty!
John Brown: Yes, there’s another things As the referee, I am not interested in either one of you – I am playing no favorites! NO FAVORITES! Do you understand that, Costello??
Lou Costello: Yes sir.
John Brown: And do you understand that, Mr. Hale??
Alan Hale: Yes, Charlie, and tell your sister I’ll be over at nine o’clock!
In the Ring
Alan Hale: Let’s go, Costello – I’ll mop up the floor with your
Lou Costello: Oh yeah? Show mo a tough guy and I’ll show you a coward!
Alan Hale: Well, I’m a tough guy!
Lou Costello: Welllll – I’m a coward!
Alan Hale: Get ready, Costello – here’s a toe hold [they grunt]
Lou Costello: Here’s a leg hold! [grunts]
Alan Hale: Here’s a head lock! [grunts]
Lou Costello: Here’s a hammer lock! [grunts]
Alan Hale: Here’s your arm!
Lou Costello: Thanks!
Bud Abbott: Costello, Got ups the crowd’s waiting for you to get back into the ring. GET OUT FROM UNDER THOSE SEATS!
Lou Costello: Abbott, I’M NOT GOIN’ INTO THAT RINGS
Bud Abbott: You’re not! You’re talking like a coward. Where’s your backbone!???
Alan Hale: Yeah, Costello – where’s your backbone!
Lou Costello: I DON’T KNOW WERE IT IS, AND I’M NOI GOIN BAOK IN THERE TILL I FIND IT!
Routines
- Hit the umpire (from Keep ‘Em Flying 1941)
Songs
- Speak Low played by Freddie Rich & the orchestra
- Connie Haines sing “Salt Water Cowboy“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Sally Eilers – movie actress, and co-chair of the celebrity charity circus.
- Alan Hale Sr. – actor, “star of The Adventures of Mark Twain” who wants to wrestle his pal Lou!
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist. She’s also co-chair of the celebrity charity circus.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – this week, several short bits. Carnival barker, man on stretcher, and announcer at the wrestling match.
- John Brown – referee in the wrestling match, as well as a carnival barker