Mayor Bud Abbott appoints his pal Lou Costello to be Sheriff of Sherman Oaks! But what are those strange noises? And what’s Sydney Greenstreet doing with the real Maltese Falcon?
The Abbott and Costello Radio Program with Sydney Greenstreet – originally broadcast February 24, 1944
Bud Abbott: Oh, there you are, Costello – where have you been? Why are you late???
Lou Costello: Oh, I’m in a lot of trouble, Abbott —- I was comin’ down to the studio in my car, and I drove through a red light! Now they wanna fine me two thousand dollars!
Bud Abbott:Two thousand dollars! They can’t fine you two thousand dollars for going through a red light!
Lou Costello: Oh no? – This light was In a drugstore window!
Sheriff Lou Costello?
Bud Abbott: I’m disgusted with you, Costello. Tonight I had a surprise for you — as mayor of Sherman Oaks I was going to appoint you sheriff, but now I’ve changed my mind!
Lou Costello: [weeping] Please don’t do that, Abbott – everybody has a badge but me: a cop has a badge, a fireman, a motorman – even a lIttle Boy Scout has a badge, Abbott, I just gotta have one!
Bud Abbott: Why do you have to have a badge???
Lou Costello: I’m tired of holdin’ up my pants with my teeth!
Sparring with Ken Niles
Bud Abbott: Oh, It’s Ken Niles. Ken, you’re just in time to congratulate Costello – I’ve just appointed him Sheriff of Sherman Oaks!
Ken Niles:Sheriff of Sherman Oaks?? Hahaha – that’s a laugh! What a Sheriff he’ll make – he couldn’t run down a pair of heels!
Lou Costello: Just a sucond, Niles — I’ll have you know I used to be with the F.B.I.
Ken Niles:What’s that – Ihe Fat Boy’s Institute??? HAHAHAl … Bud, how could you appoint such a weakling as Costello, sheriff??
Lou Costello: WHO’S A WEAKLING I’IL BET YA TWO TO ONE I COULD LICK JOHN L SULLIVAN!
Ken Niles: Sullivan’s dead!
Lou Costello: THEN I’LL BETCHA THREE TO ONE!
Bud Abbott: Oh, stop fighting, Costello!
Ken Niles: Say, Bud, here comes my beautiful wife! Why don’t you appoint her policewoman of Sherman Oaks! She’s a regular bloodhound!
Sparring with Mrs. Niles
Lou Costello: From the Look of her ears she’s part cocker spaniel, too!
Mrs. Niles: [entering] I HEARD THAT REMARK, COSTELIO!
Lou Costello: I said it for you to hear!
Mrs. Niles: I won’t take anymore Insults from you, FATTY!
Lou Costello: Fatty?? Listen, Mrs. Niles, I weighed myself this afternoon, and I tipped the scales at one hundred and ten pounds.
Mrs. Niles: Tipped it! YOU MUST’VE BRIBED IT!
Ken Niles: Oh, that’s a good one, sweetheart! And I have some nows for you, dear — Bud Abbott has just appointed this dopey dumpling the Sheriff of Sherman Oaks! Ha-Ha-Ha!
Bud Abbott:Wait a minute! I think Costollo will make a fine Sheriff!
Mrs. Niles; Oh, yeah??? I saw him in front of the courthouse this morning reading a sign that said; “Murderer Wanted!. and he went in and applied for the job!
Ken Niles: [gleefully] That’s telling him, dear! You’re the perfect match for me!
Mrs. Niles: Oh, no dear – You’re the perfect match for me!
Ken Niles: Oh, no — You’re the perfect match for me!
Mrs. Niles: But I Insist, Kenneth – You’re the perfoct match for me!
Lou Costello: WOULD ANYBODY LIKE & PAIR OF MATCHING BOOK-ENDS WITH SKIN?
Mrs. Niles: You’ve got a lot of room to talk about me, you fat tub. I have beautiful skin!
Lou Costello: Yeah – I got an uncle who would give you two hundred dollars for your skin!
Mrs. Niles: What is he – a plastic surgeon?
Lou Costello: No – Ho makes alligator bags!
Mrs. Niles: Oooh —-I’ve never been so insulted In my life — come Kenneth!
Sydney Greenstreet appears
Mrs. Niles: No! I saw a mysterlous man, pooring out of the attic window! Ho made an ugly face at me, like this!
Lou Costello: NO! NO! DON’T DO THAT!
Mrs. Niles:I HAVEN’T MADE THE FACE YET!
Lou Costello: HOW CAN I TELL??
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello – this may be more serious than you think!
[door opens]
Sydney Greenstreet: Pardon me – I’m looking for the sheriff
Mrs. Niles:THAT’S THE ONE! HE’S THE MYSTERIOUS MAN!
Bud Abbott: Costello, It’s Sydney Greenstreet!
(APPLAUSE)
Sydney Greenstreet: Sheriff Costello, as a new resident of Sherman Oaks I contend that this woman here has been prying and trespassing on my property. I domand that she be approhended,
incarcerated, and held incommunicado in your Bastille.
Lou Costello: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE GREENSTREET — THERE MAY BE A SAILOR IN THE AUDIENCE.
Bud Abbott : Just a minute, Costello. Mr. Greenstreet, I’m the Mayor of Sherman Oaks – what’s the nature of your complaint??
Sydney Greenstreet: Well, I’Il put it in simple language that even a moron can understand!
Lou Costello: Step aside, Abbott – he’s talkin’ to mel … Now liston, Greenstreet, I’m the Sheriff around here and I’m gonna ask some questions. Now what’re those screams in your house at midnight?
Sydney Greenstreet. :That’s my business!
Lou Costello: And what about those gunshots??
Sydney Greenstreet: That’s my business!
Mrs. Niles: And ask him about those dead bodies in the basoment!!
Sydney Greenstreet: That is also my businoss!
Lou Costello: This guy’s doin’ a heck of a business!….Now look, Greenstreet, come clean or I’ll seo that you get tho jug!
Sydney Greenstreet: Thanks, old man – I haven’t been able to get a fifth!
About the Maltese Falcon
Bud Abbott: Costello, this is an impossible situation! He can’t have that Falcon hord in Shorman Oaks! It loaves a trail of death!
Lou Costello: You’re right, Abbott – wo gotta got it away from him! Come on, Greenstreet, gimme tho bird!
Sydney Greenstreet: [laughts snarlingly] Haha • don’t tempt mel
Lou Costello: [bravely] All right, then – I might as well warn you if you won’t give up that falcon, I’m comin’ over to your house and get it!
Sydney Greenstreet: Very well then, let me warn you! If yuu set one foot inside my house, you will havo the choice of being boiled in oil, eaten alive by hungry rats, thrown into a pit of quicklime, or you may have the choice of being burned at the stake!
Lou Costello: May I see the menu?
Breaking into Sydney Greenstreet’s house
Believing the Maltese Falcon to be a danger to the community, Bud, Lou, and Mrs. Niles decide to break into Sydney Greenstreet’s house and steal it!
Mrs. Niles: That’s the cellar, Mr. Abbott – let’s go In — now I’ll shine the flashlight around and see [quickly] Abbott! look over there — THERE’S A BODY ON THE FLOOR!
Bud Abbott: Is he dead??
Lou Costello: I CAN’T tell – his head’s missing, and it’s singing “I ain’t got no body”!
Greenstreet speaks
Sydney Greenstreet: It is indeed regrettable that you chose to ignore my warning! You’re risking your life!
Lou Costello:[bravely] Don’t gimme that, Greenstreet! I’m the Sheriff in this town, and you got a dead guy laying down there in the collar.
Sydney Greenstreet: I know, he lives there!
Bud Abbott: But If he’s dead why don’t you throw him out??
Sydney Greenstreet: I can’t! – his rent’s paid ’till April first!
Bud Abbott: [strongly] Come on, Greenstreet, we’ve got you covered —what’s this all about?
Sydney Greenstreet.: Very well, I have no alternative – I will tell you the socret of the Falcon. It has a magic power – “whomsoever shall rub the Falcon’s nose… his wish shall be granted unto him!”
About that magic wish …
Unfortunately, only one wish can be granted! And Lou and Mrs. Niles vote for Bud to make the wish!
Bud Abbott: [touched] Thank you, frlends — I wish…I wish that I could kill Hitler!
[phone rings, Lou answers]
Lou Costello: Yes … Yes … You don’t mean it! Oh, that’s great! Thanks!
[hangs up phone]
Lou Costello: ABBOTT! YOUR WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED YOU’RE GONNA KILI HITTER!
Bud Abbott: Who was that on the phone???
Lou Costello: YOUR DRAFT BOARD – YOU’RE IN 1-A!
Bud Abbott: OH GET OUTTA HERE
Songs
- “I Get a Kick Out of You” played by Freddie Rich and his orchestra
- “Spring Will Be a Little Late This Year” sung by Connie Haines
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Sydney Greenstreet (Casablanca; Between Two Worlds) – movie star, this week’s guest. In fact, the story hinges on Sidney having the authentic The Maltese Falcon.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – this week, a short bit as a prisoner in Sheriff Costello’s jail. What’s his crime? Having written “Marzie Doats“!
- John Brown – in a minor bit, the man living in a gopher hole at Sidney Greenstreet’s house! Why is he there? Housing shortage!