Return to Paterson

Lou Costello gets a telegram, asking him to return to Paterson for a celebration! Can Professor Mellonhead teach him to speak properly?

Return To Paterson – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Broadcast: June 28, 1945

Lou Costello’s being honored by his hometown of Paterson, New Jersey! “Lou Costello Day in conjunction with garbage disposal week”! Christening their new garbage scow! At the christening, Professor Mellonhead instructs Lou — “When I nod my head, hit it with the champagne bottle!”

Tunnel of Love

Bud Abbott: Never mind that! Brooklyn has one of the most popular resorts in the world; Coney Island.
Lou Costello: I went to coney island yesterday .
Bud Abbott: You did? How did you get there?
Lou Costello: I followed a couple of sailors …
Bud Abbott: You followed a couple of sailors …?
Lou Costello: Sure the sailors and their girl friends went down into the tunnel of love at Forty Second Street and Broadway!
Bud Abbott: You dummy that’s the subway! That’s not the tunnel of love!
Lou Costello: How long have you been in town?

Telegram for Lou Costello

Joe Kirk: I have a telegram for Lou Costello!
Lou Costello: Thank you boy! Don’t go away, I’m going to give you a nice tip! Have you got change for five?
Joe Kirk: No I haven’t,
Lou Costello: All right then, keep the whole nickel.
Joe Kirk: (raving) A nickel! Oh thank goodness! Now my wife can have another baby!

Bud Abbott: Give me that, I’ll read it; my, it’s from the city of Paterson, New Jersey!
Lou Costello: i knew my home town wouldn’t forget me!
Bud Abbott: It says., dear Lou, the City of Paterson will be proud to honor you by holding a Lou Costello Day in conjunction with garbage disposal week!
Lou Costello: Oh, ain’t that swill (er) swell! … I’ll bet they’ll want me to make a speech at the opening of the new dump.
Bud Abbott: But Costello you never made a speech in your life.
Lou Costello: You’re right Abbott — if only I could find somebody to learn me …

Bud Abbott: I’m glad you said that Costello,, because we have with us tonight the world’s greatest authority on public speaking!
Sid Fields: Ah! Good evening. gentlemen: I am Professor Mellonhead … Better known in rhetorical circles as “Windy” Mellonhead!

Preparing Lou Costello for the play

Hope Emerson: I have been sent here by the committee in charge of Paterson’s “Lou Costello Day in conjunction with garbage disposal week!” I have come to prepare Mr. Costello for his part in the pageant. I am the coach!

Bud Abbott: Shut up Costello! Madam, what does Costello do in this garbage disposal pageant?
Hope Emerson: He represents the spirit of sanitation!
Lou Costello: Sounds like a nice clean part!
Hope Emerson: Of course, i ha’ve the leading role, x am the princess of water supply!
Lou Costello: (sotto) she looks more like a rusty drain pipe!
Bud Abbott: Madam i am sure Costello will cooperate! Just tell him what he has to do.
Hope Emerson: Very well, Costello, as Sir Sanitation you are a knight in shining armor preparing to launch Paterson’s new self-pumping germ proof garbage scow — you are seated on the poop-deck … I the princess approach you and say, “Hello, good knight”!

Lou Costello: Hello good night? What kind of talk is that?
Hope Emerson: ( fast ) No, no you dummy wan i say ‘good knight’ I don’t mean the kind of night like night in the salutation ‘good night’, i mean the kind of knight that has been knighted and that knight is as different from night as night is from day!
Lou Costello: Oh, when you say ‘good knight’ you don’t mean the kind of night like night in the salutation good night you mean the kind of knight that has been knighted and that knight is as different from night as night is from day?
Hope Emerson: Now you’ve got it,
Lou Costello: Now I’ve got it? I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

Lou launching the garbage scow

Bud Abbott: No,,no, no you dummy! You don’ t drink it, you break the bottle when you launch the scow; the professor will tell you.when!
Sid Fields: You watch me Costello, and when i nod my head you stand close to the scow and hit it with the bottle!
Lou Costello: Could I have that again?
Sid Fields: When I nod my head, you hit it with the bottle!
Lou Costello: Okay, Mellonhead! But remember, you asked for this!

Songs

Bob Matthews sings “A Friend of Yours“
Connie Haines sings “Sentimental Journey‘

Cast of characters

Bud Abbott – straight man
Lou Costello – comedian.
Alan Roth and his orchestra
Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend. Here, she’s also the voice of the lady working the notions counter at the department store.
Bob Matthews – singer.
Joe Kirk (The Abbott and Costello Show) – telegram delivery – who gets a whopping 5 cent tip from Lou!
Ernest Chapel – announcer.
Sid Fields (Mexican Hayride) – Professor of speech, Mellonhead
Hope Emerson – Sent by the committee in charge of Paterson’s “Lou Costello Day in conjunction with garbage disposal week!
Alan Luther – Thanks to the Yank of the Week
Bill Adams – Prince Albert commercial.