On the Abbott and Costello Radio Show, Lou Costello wants to join the Merchant Marines. If he can pass the physical! Or find a boat that will take him!
Lou Wants to Join the Merchant Marines – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show, originally broadcast January 25, 1945
Bud Abbott : Hey, Costello — Costello! Come here, where have you been and where did you get that suit? It looks like a naval officer’s uniform!
Lou Costello: That’s what it is, Abbott, I’m gonna join the merchant marines. How do you like the fancy uniform? Gold braid on my cap and gold braid on my sleeves!
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute’ Costello! That ts a nice uniforms all right but you’ve got the pants on backwards!
Lou Costello: i know – I’m gonna be a rear admiral!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello — I’m going to see how much you know about boats. Have you ever been down to the docks?
Lou Costello: Yeah — i was at the doc’s this morning!
Bud Abbott: Did you see any vessels ?
Lou Costello: Yeah — the nurse carried one in!
Bud Abbott: I’m not talking about that kind of a doc — I’m talking about a wharf!
Lou Costello: A what ?
Bud Abbott: Wharf, wharf, wharf!
Lou Costello: Aw, that’s cute, abbott i now give me your paw!
Bud Abbott: No, no, Costello! the wharf is where the boat’s embark!
Lou Costello: Do what?
Bud Abbott: Embark! Embark!
Lou Costello: Okay! wharf ~~ wharf — wharf! i didn’t know you wanted to play doggie!
Throw out an anchor!
Bud Abbott: We’ll see about that! Go ahead — name the different parts of a boat!
Lou Costello: Well, the bow is the front of the boat ~–~ the stern in the back of the boat, the starboard is on the right side–
Bud Abbott: Where is the port?
Lou Costello: In a bottle in the icebox!
Bud Abbott: I told you! Suppose you rvere out in a boat and a strong east wind came up, what would you do?
Lou Costello: I’d throw out an anchor!
Bud Abbott: But suppose a terrific west wind came up?
Lou Costello: I’d throw out another anchor.
Bud Abbott: But suppose a north wind came up?
Lou Costello: I’d throw out another anchor!
Bud Abbott: Hey, wait a minute! Whefie are you getting all those anchors?
Lou Costello: Same place you’re getting all that wind.
Bud Abbott: Look Out Costello — There’s a little fishing boat dead ahead!
Mel Blanc: [Yelling Off Mike] Fresh Clams — Twenty-Five Cents’a Dozen — Fresh Clams — Twenty-Five Cents A Dozen!
[Long, Loud Crashing Sound]
Mel Blanc: [Long Pause] Clam Chowder — Ten Cents A Bowl — Clam Chowder — Ten Cents A Bowls
Songs
- Freddie Rich and his orchestra play “Sweet Dreams, Sweetheart“
- Connie Haines sings “I’m Making Believe“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. Here she’s the woman who’s supposed to launch a ship. And breaks the bottle over Costello!
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – the officer in charge of personnel.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – numerous characters, including captains of ships, and the doctor doing Lou’s physical examination..