In The Bank Robbery, Lou Costello’s an eyewitness to a bank robbery by Rocky Crumbcake! They go to see the Chief of Detectives — Mr. Kitzel! But in the department, he’s known as Philo Pants! And Lou’s baby brother Sebastian works for him as well! But Lou wants the reward for himself, so instead of The Thin Man, he’ll be — The Fat Boy!
The Bank Robbery | Meeting Philo Pants! | Enter the Fat Boy! | Pursuing the Trail to Old Chinatown | In the Chinese Theater | Enter the Mandarin? | Sebastian to the Rescue! | Get Well Club | Songs | Cast
The Bank Robbery – The Abbott and Costello Radio show, originally broadcast November 30, 1944
Bud Abbott: Wait a second, Costello. I just heard over the radio that the Second National bank was robbed this afternoon! Were you there during the robbery?
Lou Costello: No, but I was there for the Tea Party!
Bud Abbott: A TEA PARTY IN THE BANK?
Lou Costello: Sure. While I was standing there, a guy walked in and said “Alright boys — hand over the sugar!”
Bud Abbott: HAND OVER THE SUGAR??
Lou Costello: That’s what I said!
Bud Abbott: Costello, quick – What did this man look like?
Lou Costello: I don’t know. He had such a bad cold, he had a handkerchief tied across his nose!
Bud Abbott: You dummy — that was a mask! He was the crook who robbed the bank!
Lou Costello: Pardon me, officer. We’re looking for the police station! We’d like to talk about the Second National Bank Robbery.
Mounted Policeman: The station’s right around the corner, go right in and they’ll give you a big bag of popcorn!
Lou Costello: POPCORN?
Mounted Policeman: Certainly. We always feed the stool-pigeons! [corny laugh[
Lou Costello: Ha ha ha ha. say, officer, how long have you been riding that horse?
Mounted Policeman: Fourteen years!
Lou Costello: Did you evor ride a jackass?
Mounted Policeman: No.
Lou Costello: Then get on to yourself!
Meeting Philo Pants!
Mr. Kitzel: Hi-Yi-O Rancho Grande, at snooping I’m a dandy! Yahoo! [applause] Come in, gentlemen, and pull up a Habeas Corpus!
Bud Abbott: KITZEL! Donit toll me you’ro tho Chief of Detectives?
Mr. Kitzel: Around here I’m known as the great detective – Philo Pants!
Lou Costello: PHILO PANTS??? ARE YOU A GOOD DETECTIVE?
Mr. Kitzel: GOOD? PANTS NEVER FALLS DOWN! Come, come kiddies, what’s on your mind? Don’t keep Pants in suspenders!
Lou Costello: DON’T KEEP PANTS IN SUSPENDERSI Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha —
Mr. Kitzel: Comical, huh?
Lou Costello: I’D LIKE TO GIVE HIM A BELT!
[Editor’s note: there’s a lot more “pants” puns]
Enter the Fat Boy!
Bud Abbott: Costello, don’t be silly. Go ahead and tell Kitzel about the bank robbers!
I ain’t gonna tell him nothin’. I’m gonna catch tho robbors myself and collect the $1000 roward!
Mr. Kitzel: Pish -Posa – you’re going to catch the robbers! What do you know about boing a detective?
Lou Costello: What do I know? What do I know?
Mr. Kitzel: What do you know?
Lou Costello: I’m a great detective! You’ve heard of The Thin Man?
Mr. Kitzel: Yes?
Lou Costello: Well, I’m the Fat Boy!
Mr. Kitzel: YOU’RE THE FAT BOY! Ha ha ha. It’s a possibility!
Bud Abbott: Look, Costello, why don’t we settle this sensibly! All three of us will look for the bank robbers and we’ll split the reward with Philo Pants!
Mr. Kitzel: Just a second, gentlemen, just a second, PANTS NEVER SPLITS!
Lou Costello: Abbott, I’m a lone wolf! I don’t need either one of you guys. I’M DROPPING YOU – AND PANTS,
Mr. Kitzel: Hoo hoo hoo! Not so fast – not so fast. Just remember – it will be a cold day when a case is solved without Pants!
Pursuing the trail to Old Chinatown
Bud Abbott: Nonsense, we’ve got to search every building in this block. Lot’s start with this Chinese Theatre.
Lou Costello: Okay, I’ll flash my badge on this cute little Chinese girl in the ticket office! Good evening, my little Lotus Blossom?
Connie Haines: How many tickee you want – you-all?
Lou Costello: YOU-ALL?. She must come from the south of China! How much costum tickee?
Connie Haines: One yen! Have you got a yen – you all?
Lou Costello: I gotta yen for you-all! [whistles]
Bud Abbott: Come on, Costello, We’ve gotta get Crumbcake!
Lou Costello: You get Crumbcake – I’ll stay here with this little cookie!
Bud Abbott: I said come along! Crumbcake may be hiding in the crowd In this theatre. Let’s go in!
In the Chinese theater
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello – there are two Chinese comedians coming out on the stage – listen!
Mel Blanc: Honorable One Lung – understand you are organizing honorable baseball team!
John Brown: Yws, Honorablo Ma Jong! Honorable players havo funny names!
Mel Blanc: Velly Intelosting!
John Brown: Who Is on first?
Mel Blanc: That’s light.
John Brown: What’s light?
Mel Blanc: No, Honorable What’s on second!
Lou Costello: [yelling] HEY, WAIT A MINUTE – STOP THE SHOW – STOP THE SHOW!
John Brown: What a matta, Honorable fat Boy? Why you Intorrupt honorable show?
Lou Costello: Because honorable Chinese comedians steal honorable baseball routine!
Enter the Mandarin?
Elvia Allman: Come this way. The honorable Mandarin is waiting for you.
Lou Costello: You’re killing me, kid. What’s waiting for me?
Elvia Allman: The Mandarin!
Lou Costello: And I can’t even play one!
Elvia Allman: SILENCE! YOU ARE IN THE HOUSE OF THE GREAT MANDARIN – HONORABLE CLANG CLANG CLANG!
Lou Costello: Who are you?
Elvia Allman: I am his daughter – Ting-a-Ling, six four hundred!
Lou Costello: You must be the belle of Chinatown!
Bud Abbott: Quiet, Costello! Ting-a-Ling – tell your father that the detectives are here!
Elvia Allman: I will ring for him! DING-DING-DING!
Mel Blanc: I am the great Mandarin, CLANG-CLANG-CLANGI
Lou Costello: [singing] Clang clang clang went the trolley. Ding ding ding went the boll – Zing zing zing-
Bud Abbott: Costello, be quiet! On, Honorable Mandarin – we are on the trail of a notorious bank bandit! We think he may be hiding here!
Mel Blanc: Nonsense. I never hoard of Rocky Crumboake!
Lou Costello: ABBOTT! HOW DID HE KNOW HIS NAME??? THAT’S ROCKY CRUMBCAKE! MPUI UP YOUR LNDS, CRUMBCAKE, OR I’LL CRACK YOUR FROSTINGI
Mel Blanc: Walt a minuto, Fat Boy – Say, that’s a mighty pretty gun you have there. And what a nice pearl handle. Do you mind if I look at it?
Lou Costello: Well, I guess that would be all right…
Bud Abbott: Costollo, ho’s coming toward you! LET HIM HAVE IT!
Lou Costello: Okay. Hore, Rocky – hero’s the gun!
Bud Abbott: No, no – you dummy!
Lou Costello: BUT YOU TOLD ME TO LET HIM HAVE IT!
Sebastian to the Rescue!
Sebastian: STAND WHERE YOU ARE, EVERYBODY – AND DON’T NOBODY MOVE! AND YOU ROCKY CRUMBCAKE AND THAT DAME • GET IN THAT CLOSET I’M LOCKING YOU UP !
[the door slams – we hear a big bolt and chains]
Lou Costello: SEBASTIAN A WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE WITH THAT BADGE ON AND A GUN IN YOUR HAND?
Sebastian: I’ve got a new job, Louied I’m the assistant to the great detective, Philo Pants! Pants can’t get along without me!
Lou Costello: PANTS CAN’T GET ALONG WITHOUT YOU???
Sebastian: No – he calls me the Zipper!
Get Well Club
Ken Niles: Ladies and gentlemen! No doubt you’ve all read about a pre-Christmas party held in Prescott, Arizona, for little four-year-old Joey Stazenski, Joey is an ardent Abbott and Costello fan, and tonight Bud and Lou would like to say a few words just for Joey. Here they are…
Bud Abbott: Well, Joey, we all hope you had a swell Christmas party and liked your presents, too. We know that all our listeners are pulling for you to got well… and please get well fast.
Lou Costello: Yeah, Joey, I know you can do it, too. Not so long ago, I was a pretty slok boy myself, but a lot of guys wrote me letters and told me to get well quick.Now all those guys and myself are members of the “Get Well Club”, and last night we made you a member, too, Joey, so hurry up and set well for Bud and I, Joey, ’cause we’d like to see you at the next meeting of our club.
And Joey we want to thank the Los Angeles Examiner who a few hours ago flew your Daddy to your bedside.
Songs
- Freddie Rich and his orchestra perform “Let Me Love You Tonight“
- Connie Haines sings “I Dream of You“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend. Here, she’s also the Chinese theater ticket woman — with a southern accent!
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello. Here, he’s also a police sergeant.
- Elvia Allman – typically plays the part of Mrs. Niles. But here, she’s the Mandarin’s daughter – Ting-A-Ling!
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – Tonight, he’s the Chief of Detectives – Philo Pants!
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – in addition to sound effects, he’s the bank robber — Rocky Crumbcake!
- John Brown – mounted policeman.
- Pat McGeehan (Red Skelton Radio Show) –