Abbott And Costello radio show, originally broadcast October 19, 1944 – Lou Goes To Jail
After Lou Costello hits a woman with his car, he goes to court. With Mr. Kitzel as his lawyer, and Mel Blanc as the judge! And Lou’s young brother Sebastian as the surprise witness!
Cousin Hugo’s in the guardhouse again
Lou Costello: And besides, Hugo’s in the guardhouse again,
Bud Abbott: What did he do wrong this time ?
Lou Costello: He nailed a picture of a pin-up girl on the wall of his tent!
Bud Abbott: Oh, nonsense, Why would they throw him in the guardhouse just for nailing a picture on the wall of his tent?
Lou Costello: Well, there was a Sergeant standing outside ; the tent was thin, tho nail was long, and the Sergeant was tall … Do you got tho point?
Bud Abbott: No.
Lou Costello: Well, he did.
10 percent of $75 is $50?
Lou Costello: ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL PJfE THAT TEN PERCENT OF 75 is 50`? 😕
Bud Abbott: Certainly! You don’t think I’d cheat you, do you?
Lou Costello: Well, you cheated me last night when we were playing TIDDLY-WINKS!
Bud Abbott: That ‘s ridiculous. How could I cheat at Tiddly-winks?
Lou Costello: YOU WERE USING LOADED TIDDLYSI
Bud Abbott: Costello, I’m going to prove to you that 10 percent of 75 is FIFTY! I’ll do it by multiplying! Ten times 7 is 70! Ten times 5 is 50! 70 and 50 is a hundred-and-twenty. In California, half of everything goes to my wife. Half of 120 is 60. Deduct $8 for Federal Tax and $2 for Social Security … leaves $50 for me and $25 for you, I take it .
Lou Costello: You might as well take it. You’ve taken everything else!
Car Accident
Bud Abbott: COSTELLOI Watch where you’re driving ! Give that pedestrian the right off way !
Lou Costello: OKAY!
Elvia: [screams] [screech of brakes] [loud and angry] YOU BIG FAT DU:MMY I CAN’T YOU SEE WHERE YOU’ RE GOING?
Lou Costello: I got you, didn’t I?
Bud Abbott: Costello, you blockhead. You bumped into that woman !
Lou Costello: You told me to !
Bud Abbott: I DID NOT ! I said : “Give her the right of wa.y” 1
Lou Costello: I thought you said : “Give it to her right away” !
Kitzel the Lawyer
Mr. Kitzel: [fading in] Hi-Yi-O Rancho Grande – as a lawyer I amdandy. . .Ya-Hoo! Gentlemen, I hear you’re looking for a lawyer!
Bud Abbott: It’s our friend, Kitzell Kitzel, how did you know we wanted a lawyer?
Mr. Kitzel: A little bird told me, He said, cheep, cheep!
Lou Costello: Yeh – and I know what kind of a lawyer you are!
Mr. Kitzel: Who told you?
Lou Costello: A little duck. He went QUACK! QUACK!
Routines
- You’re 40, she’s 10
- Bud tries to “prove” to Lou that 10% of $75 is $50
Songs
- Connie Haines sings, “Is You Is, or Is You Ain’t, My Baby“
- Freddie Rich and his orchestra play°I’ll Be Seeing You“.
- Bud, Lou, and Kitzel sing a snippet of “A Bicycle Built for Two“
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian. This week, he’s also the voice of his own younger brother, Sebastian.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Elvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist. This week, she plays victim in court, that Lou allegedly hit with a car!
- Artie Auerbach as Mr. Kitzel – Lou’s defense attorney. Until Bud “helps”!
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – Lou’s judge in the trial.
- Pat McGeehan (Red Skelton Radio Show) – arresting officer.