Abbott and Costello Radio – Linda Darnell – Lou Costello’s been acting strangely, so it’s off to rest home, led by nurse Linda Darnell – originally broadcast March 23, 1944
Costello’s not feeling well
Bud Abbott: Costello, What are you doing, skipping around the stage! Come here.
Lou Costello: That’s the doctor’s orders, Abbott!
Bud Abbott: The doctor told you to skip?
Lou Costello: Sure – he gave me this bottle of pills »- see what it says here : “Take these pills one day and skip the next” THIS IS MY SKIPPING DAY! [skipping, singing “Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush”]
Bud Abbott: [yelling] COSTELLO! Will you stop that, please! What’s getting into you? You’re acting like a nit-wit.
Lou Costello: I ain’t no nit-wit, Abbott! I used to be a nit-wit — But I lost my needles!
…
Bud Abbott: What do you mean, it’s a fake?
Lou Costello: Last spring I planted two pounds of bird seed and not a single bird came up! … not even a little canary!
Bud Abbott: Bird seed??? Costello, what’s wrong with you today? Do you know what you’ve been saying?
Lou Costello: No, I wasn’t listening!
Dr. Bullfinch
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc): There’s only one thing to do. Costello I’m going to psychoanalyze you!
Lou Costello: If you touch me I’ll call my mother! Abbott! Get me outta here!
Bud Abbott: Costello, Doctor Bullfinch won’t hurt you!
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc): Of course. I just want to probe into your subconscious mind. For instance — have you had any dreams lately?
Lou Costello: Yeah. Last night I dreamt I wanted a salami sandwich!
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc): Fine, fine! Salami is imported. That suggests that you wanted to take a trip. Isn’t that what you wanted?
Lou Costello: No, I wanted a salami sandwich!
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc): But, didn’t you try to analyze your dream? Didn’t you go beyond the first phase?
Lou Costello: Yeah, I got up and ate the salami.
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc): And that was all? You slept peacefully after that?
Lou Costello: Not exactly.
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc) : I knew itj I knew it. You were subconsciously disturbed . You wanted to make that trip ; Now — did the dream repeat itself?
Lou Costello: No, but the salami did!
Dr. Bullfinch (Mel Blanc) : Let’s forget the salami. I’m sorry I brought it up!
Lou Costello: Oh, you had one, too?
Nurse Linda Darnell
Linda Darnell: Now wait a minute, Mr. Costello – I only give my personal attention to critical cases!
Lou Costello: But MY case is critiCal – do you realize I’m dyin’?
Bud Abbott: Costello. How do you know you’re dying??
Lou Costello : I just busted my lifetime fountain pen! Just think,Linda, you can nurse me back to health,. and then we’ll go steady. togetherd
Linda Darnell :. Oh nol I’m sorry, but I only go out with certain persons.
Lou Costello: What about me?
Linda Darnell: Who’s certain you’re a person???
Bud Abbott: Costello, stop talking like this! Miss Darnell may have a boy friend!
Linda Darnell: I certainly have – and what a man! He has the charm of a dozen men, and the body of a prize-fighter!
Lou Costello: Oh yeah? Well, what’s the matter with me?
Linda Darnell: You have the charm of a prize-fighter and the body of a dozen men!
Lou Costello: The body of a dozen men: Linda … I’m not that fat!
Linda Darnell; You’re not fat? [laughs] Just look at you — and people say Los Angeles is spread out!
Quiet in the Rest Home
Linda Darnell; [whispering] Good evening boys, we lve been expecting you!
Lou Costello: Hello, Linda. Le t’s not waste any time. Start soothing my nerves!
Linda Darnell; [whispering] Shh!! Costello, you must talk in a whisper : This is a rest home!
Bud Abbott: [whispering] Yes, Costello. Remember that ! You ‘ve got to be very quiet. This is a rest home.
Lou Costello: [whispering] Alrightj, I’ll remember that . Look, Linda, have you got an outside room [loudly] WITH A BATH?
Linda Darnell; Shh!
Bud Abbott: Shh! Shh!
Lou Costello: [straight] Somebody t s got a leaky radiator.
Linda Darnell; [whispering] Please., Mister Costelo, you must, observe absolute silence. Understand. — silence!
Lou Costello: [whispering] Okayj, Linda.
Linda Darnell; [whispering] Very well, come on — follow me! I’ll announce you. [yelling] MISTER COSTELLO IS HERE!
Dr. Maney (Ken Niles):[yelling] MISTER COSTELLO IS HERE!
Dr. Praney (Mel Blance) [yelling] MI:STER COSTELLO IS HERE!
Doctor Daney (John Brown); [yelling] MISTER COSTELLO IS HERE!
SOUND: A BEDLAM OF NOISE – GONGS CLANGING, WHISTLE BLOWING ETC
Lou Costello: WAIT MINUTE! HOLD IT! CUT IT OUT! STOP THE NOISE!.… Linda,, I thought you said this was a rest home???
Linda Darnell; It’s recess!
Routines
Cast of characters
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian.
- Linda Darnell (The Mark of Zorro) – movie actress, here she’s the lovely nurse at the rest home.
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend.
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello. This week he does double duty as Dr. Maney at the rest home.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist.
- Mel Blanc (Neptune’s Daughter; Looney Tunes) – this week, Psychiatrist Dr. Bullfinch, as well as Dr. Praney at the rest home.
- John Brown – Doctor Daney, head of the rest home.
Songs
- Lovely Way To Spend An Evening, sung by Connie Haines
- “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” performed by Freddie Rich and the orchestra