Hunting Guide with Claire Trevor – from the Abbott and Costello Radio Show. Meat is scarce during World War II, so Bud and Lou go hunting for meat, with guide Claire Trevor
Hunting Guide – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show
Broadcast: 14th January 1943
Starring: Lou Costello, Bud Abbott, Claire Trevor
Jokes about meat shortages during World War II
Lou Costello: The only way I can get meat is to stand over a gopher hole with a baseball bat!
Bud Abbott: Oh, stop complaining. Things could be a lot worse. Nobody’s worrying about getting meat.
Lou Costello: Oh no? Yesterday I went to the market, the butcher put his arm on the counter and before he knew it, three women bought it!
Ken Niles: I’m not worried about the meat shortage.
Lou Costello: Why should ya, with that mutton head.
Lou Costello: I got a military figure,
Ken Niles: That’s right — when you wear a belt, your stomach goes over the top.
Lou Costello: Be quiet, skinny. Why don’t you get yourself a pair of snowshoes?
Bud Abbott: What does he need snowshoes for?
Lou Costello: When he takes a bath, he won’t slide down the drain.
Lou Costello: When he gets undressed, it’s like unveiling a golf stick.
Bud Abbott: Now, now, now …
Lou Costello: He’s so skinny he has to put a bell on his tonsils to prove he’s breathing.
Lou insults Ken & Mrs. Niles
Ken Niles: My wife doesn’t have to, I’m a vegetarian. I’m wild about vegetables.
Lou Costello: You’d have to be, to be married to that old tomato.
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello.
Ken Niles: Now, now, don’t fret darling, I’ll tell him. Costello, I’ll have you know that my wife is a striking woman.
Lou Costello: And you’ve got the black-and-blue marks to prove it.
Bud Abbott: Now Costello, you have to admit that Mrs. Niles has a winning smile.
Lou Costello: Yeah, and a losing face.
Mrs. Niles: Oh, is that so? I’ll have you know my picture has been on many a cover.
Lou Costello: Magazine or manhole?
Mrs. Niles: Men throw their hearts at my feet, flowers at my feet, gifts at my feet.
Lou Costello: What have your feet got that you haven’t got?
Abbott and Costello go hunting for meat
Lou Costello: Venison?
Bud Abbott: Sure, that’s deer meat. Wouldn’t you like to shoot a buck deer?
Lou Costello: I don’t have a buck, honey.
[little Matilda has stowed away in the luggage on their hunting trip]
Matilda: I’m not afraid of animals. My Daddy’s an Elk.
Lou Costello: Matilda, that kind of Elk isn’t an animal.
Matilda: You never saw my Daddy!
Matilda: Uncle Louie, I want to go hunting with you. I want to pull a bear’s tail.
Bud Abbott: No you don’t! You pull a bear’s tail, it will bite you!
Matilda: No it won’t.
Bud Abbott: Why not?
Matilda: Bears don’t bite with that end.
Hunting Guide Claire Trevor arrives
Lou Costello: Miss Trevor, we weren’t expecting a girl. We thought a man was going to lead us.
Claire Trevor: Well, didn’t you ever follow a woman before?
Lou Costello: Well, once I followed a woman. who used to catch minks.
Claire Trevor: Trapper?
Lou Costello: No, another guy beat me to her.
Claire Trevor: My sister thinks Lou Costello is the funniest comedian on the air.
Lou Costello: Oh gee, thanks! I’d like to meet her!
Claire Trevor: Well, you can’t. We never let her out of the attic.
Bud Abbott: Now, Miss Trevor …
Claire Trevor: Won’t you call me Claire?
Bud Abbott: Won’t you call me Bud?
Lou Costello: Won’t you call me when this is all over?
Bud Abbott: Costello wants to do a little hunting.
Claire Trevor: Oh? What’s your favorite animal?
Lou Costello: Roast beef.
[Claire’s dog, Roger, has ripped Lou’s pants]
Bud Abbott: Be careful of that dog, Costello — he’s an Airedale.
Lou Costello: I know if — I can feel the air.
- Bud Abbott – straight man
- Lou Costello – comedian
- Claire Trevor (The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse; Key Largo) – guest star
- Freddie Rich & his orchestra
- Connie Haines – singer, occasionally plays the part of Lou’s girlfriend
- The Camel Five – singers promoting Camel cigarettes
- Ken Niles – announcer & antagonist to Lou Costello.
- Alvia Allman – as Mrs. Niles, Ken’s wife & Lou’s antagonist
- Game Warden Boom Boom – antagonist to both Bud & Lou as they go hunting for meat.
- Matilda – she’s only 3 and 1/2 years old …
- Happy Go Lucky – title song to the 1943 Dick Powell movie, sung by the Camel Five
- “Doin’ It For Defense” – from Star Spangled Rhythm, sung by Connie Haines and the Camel Five