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Hunting Guide with Claire Trevor

Tom Raymond
Hunting Guide with Claire Trevor

Hunting Guide with Claire Trevor – from the Abbott and Costello Radio Show. Meat is scarce during World War II, so Bud and Lou go hunting for meat, with guide Claire Trevor

Hunting Guide – The Abbott and Costello Radio Show

Broadcast: 14th January 1943
Starring: Lou Costello, Bud Abbott, Claire Trevor

Jokes

Jokes about meat shortages during World War II

Lou Costello: The only way I can get meat is to stand over a gopher hole with a baseball bat!
Bud Abbott: Oh, stop complaining. Things could be a lot worse. Nobody’s worrying about getting meat.
Lou Costello: Oh no? Yesterday I went to the market, the butcher put his arm on the counter and before he knew it, three women bought it!

Ken Niles: I’m not worried about the meat shortage.
Lou Costello: Why should ya, with that mutton head.

Weight jokes

Lou Costello: I got a military figure,
Ken Niles: That’s right — when you wear a belt, your stomach goes over the top.

Lou Costello: Be quiet, skinny. Why don’t you get yourself a pair of snowshoes?
Bud Abbott: What does he need snowshoes for?
Lou Costello: When he takes a bath, he won’t slide down the drain.

Lou Costello: When he gets undressed, it’s like unveiling a golf stick.
Bud Abbott: Now, now, now …
Lou Costello: He’s so skinny he has to put a bell on his tonsils to prove he’s breathing.

Lou insults Ken & Mrs. Niles

Ken Niles: My wife doesn’t have to, I’m a vegetarian. I’m wild about vegetables.
Lou Costello: You’d have to be, to be married to that old tomato.
Mrs. Niles: I heard that remark, Costello.
Ken Niles: Now, now, don’t fret darling, I’ll tell him. Costello, I’ll have you know that my wife is a striking woman.
Lou Costello: And you’ve got the black-and-blue marks to prove it.
Bud Abbott: Now Costello, you have to admit that Mrs. Niles has a winning smile.
Lou Costello: Yeah, and a losing face.
Mrs. Niles: Oh, is that so? I’ll have you know my picture has been on many a cover.
Lou Costello: Magazine or manhole?

Mrs. Niles: Men throw their hearts at my feet, flowers at my feet, gifts at my feet.
Lou Costello: What have your feet got that you haven’t got?

Abbott and Costello go hunting for meat

Lou Costello: Venison?
Bud Abbott: Sure, that’s deer meat. Wouldn’t you like to shoot a buck deer?
Lou Costello: I don’t have a buck, honey.

[little Matilda has stowed away in the luggage on their hunting trip]
Matilda: I’m not afraid of animals. My Daddy’s an Elk.
Lou Costello: Matilda, that kind of Elk isn’t an animal.
Matilda: You never saw my Daddy!

Matilda: Uncle Louie, I want to go hunting with you. I want to pull a bear’s tail.
Bud Abbott: No you don’t! You pull a bear’s tail, it will bite you!
Matilda: No it won’t.
Bud Abbott: Why not?
Matilda: Bears don’t bite with that end.

Hunting Guide Claire Trevor arrives

Lou Costello: Miss Trevor, we weren’t expecting a girl. We thought a man was going to lead us.
Claire Trevor: Well, didn’t you ever follow a woman before?
Lou Costello: Well, once I followed a woman. who used to catch minks.
Claire Trevor: Trapper?
Lou Costello: No, another guy beat me to her.

Claire Trevor: My sister thinks Lou Costello is the funniest comedian on the air.
Lou Costello: Oh gee, thanks! I’d like to meet her!
Claire Trevor: Well, you can’t. We never let her out of the attic.

Bud Abbott: Now, Miss Trevor …
Claire Trevor: Won’t you call me Claire?
Bud Abbott: Won’t you call me Bud?
Lou Costello: Won’t you call me when this is all over?

Bud Abbott: Costello wants to do a little hunting.
Claire Trevor: Oh? What’s your favorite animal?
Lou Costello: Roast beef.

[Claire’s dog, Roger, has ripped Lou’s pants]
Bud Abbott: Be careful of that dog, Costello — he’s an Airedale.
Lou Costello: I know if — I can feel the air.

Cast

Songs

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