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Lou Costello and the bank robber

Lou Costello and the bank robber – from the Abbott and Costello radio show, Bank Robbery

Lou Costello: Abbott! Hey look! Look what I got! Look at the money!

Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, Costello. Where did you get that roll of bills?

Lou Costello: I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a gun ran out of the bank with a bag full of money, and he gave me some.

Bud Abbott: Gave it to you?

Lou Costello: Mm-hmm.

Bud Abbott: What did he look like?

Lou Costello: I couldn’t tell. He had such a bad cold, he had a handkerchief tied around his nose.

Bud Abbott: Why you dumb cluck, that was a mask! The man was a bank robber!

Lou Costello: Oh I don’t think so, Abbott. He was the president. He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk.

Bud Abbott: Sell you the bank for a squawk?

Lou Costello: Yeah, he said one squawk out of me and he’d give me the business!

Bud Abbott: Of all the dumb bells! Why didn’t you go into the bank and investigate?

Inside the bank

Lou Costello: I did go in! And what a way to run a business. I walked in and a couple of clerks were playin’ hide and seek.

Bud Abbott: That’s ridiculous!

Lou Costello: Honest! One guy was hidin’ in the closet, the other guy was other the counter, there was nobody around to play with ’em. Then there was another guy,

Bud Abbott: What other guy?

Lou Costello: He was tryin’ to do tricks.

Bud Abbott: Trying to do tricks?

Lou Costello: Yeah, he was lying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of rope.

Bud Abbott: And you thought he was playing a game?

Lou Costello: Fine time to play games. Especially when he had a toothache.

Bud Abbott: He didn’t have a toothache!

Lou Costello: No? Then why did he have a plaster across his mouth?

Bud Abbott: The man had a gag in his mouth!

Lou Costello: If he did, he never got a chance to tell it.

Bud Abbott: You should have taken the plaster off his mouth.

Lou Costello: I did. And right away the guy started worrying about his rationing card.

Bud Abbott: Worrying about his rationing card.

Lou Costello: Yeah, he started yellin’, “They took the sugar!”

Bud Abbott: No, no, Costello, the man was yelling because he was stuck up!

Lou Costello: Stuck up?

Bud Abbott: Sure!

Lou Costello: Fine time to get a swelled head! Somebody might have robbed the place.

The accomplice

Bud Abbott: He did rob the place! Look, was there anybody with him?

Lou Costello: Just a woman.

Bud Abbott: A woman! Why didn’t you mention her before?

Lou Costello: She didn’t appeal to me!

Bud Abbott: Did you pinch her?

Lou Costello: No.

Bud Abbott: Then you should have held her!

Lou Costello: If I’d have held her, I’d have pinched her!

Bud Abbott: Do you realize that by keeping the money, and letting the crooks get away, you’ ve made yourself an accomplice?

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